Post # 1
Not sure how others will feel about this post, but really, it’s about getting my thoughts out of my head and I don’t mean to offend anyone.
History: I come from a “rough” background, my mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict and generally away (and still is) a nasty, vindictive person. My father was indifferent. My early years went great, not say the least. Eventuallymy when the realised the extent of the situation, my grandparents took me in but I was still in contact with my parents (still am, as I have young siblings). I moved halfway across the country and grave forgiven my parents. BUT, that doesn’t mean I want anything to do with them. At all. I only stay in contact to check on my siblings. The long and short of it is, they aren’t good for me to be around. So I don’t.
Because of the above reasons, neither of my parents will be invited to my wedding next year. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had the “OMG! But they’re you’re PARENTS! You owe it to them” response. Even from people that know my whole history.
Excuse me? I don’t owe them anything. I’m not angry or hurt anymore, I’ve forgiven them, but that doesnt mean I warn them in my life. Yes family is important, I have an amazing family – I’m just not biologically related to them. Why is there a need in society to keep blood family members close? Who the hell do these judgemental people think they are telling me im the bad person? Sure, a lot of things can be moved past, but not everything. Being a responsible adult for me is removing myself from unhealthy situations. And frankly, it’s not anyone’s business the choices we make for ourselves.
If there are any others struggling with family that are past the point of return, don’t let anyone make you feel bad for putting yourself and your life first! My “family” aren’t a part of my life, for MY reasons, it’s MY choice and I AM a good person.
Post # 3
Ugh, I swear I can spell.. My ipad auto changes odd words?
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
First, let me start by saying I’m sorry you had to go through a rough childhood like that and am especially sorry you have encountered such judgemental, ridiculous people!
As much as I am big on family, I agree sometimes it’s best to remove yourself from them. absolutely love MIL but for several reasons, DH and I are not really on speaking terms with his sister. So people don’t get it and say you cant pick family, etc etc. but really, only you know what relationship is healthy for you and that goes not only for your choice in partner, but for friendships AND family.
Post # 5
@Brooke1226: well most of us keep blood relatives close because the majority of the time, they are our biggest support systems. Unfortunately you got SCREWED in the parent department. Anyone that knows your story surely understands. I’m not sure who is giving you a hard time about this. Perhaps you’re sharing the part about your parents not being invited with people who do not know the situation. It is normal to have parents there so hearing otherwise is alarming- again unless they know the background.
You sound very angry.
Post # 6
@mixtaperomance: exactly! I’m not trying to cry poor me or anything – I’m a happy, mostly well adjusted adult – but this whole “you MUST love your family regardless of the situation” thing is ridiculous! I’m sorry to hear about your MIL, but I’m glad you have your SIL.
Post # 7
@mamadingdong: I understand that most people overlook family troubles because the benefits outweigh the negatives and that is honestly wonderful, but that isn’t the case for everyone. In sone situations, you need to build a new family. And yes, I am angry that people assume I’m a bad person because of my choice. The person who made the comments is a work colleage who knows my family history – and she genuinely thinks that I am a bad person (her words). My point is, I shouldn’t be judged for it and it makes me mad that people do.
Post # 8
@Brooke1226: You don’t owe them anything, no.
I am having issues with my IL’s at the moment, while FI is very sick in hospital (nearly died, and had to have life saving surgery). I don’t want to go into too much detail, but the way they’ve acted towards me leaves no illusions that I will be cutting them out of my life as much as possible. FI may be, as well.
(I know in laws are different, but seeing this through FI’s eyes really hits me. I also haven’t seen my grandparents for 8 years, and they live 2 minutes away.)
Just remember the old saying “friends are family that you choose for yourself”
Feel free to PM me if you ever need to vent 🙂
Post # 10
You don’t owe your parents anything and you certainly don’t owe them an invitation to your wedding!
Post # 11
I’m so happy for you in standing strong. And you don’t owe them anything, THEY owed you a safe childhood and couldn’t do that for you, why would you owe them an invitation to your wedding?
I had similiar issues with my father and he wasn’t invited. I did send him a letter telling him about the wedding and telling him I was sorry but he would not be invited. Never even heard back from him but that’s my dad right there. Some people were confused why my dad was still alive but not invited to the wedding but most people understood without me going into detail.
I hope things get better and stay strong!
Post # 12
a friend of mine has a toxic family and did not invite any of her family members to her wedding.
Post # 13
@Brooke1226: well that person is truly an asshole. Not everything deserves to be forgiven. I wouldn’t share anything with her going forward. Sorry lady. No one here will think that about you.
Post # 14
@Brooke1226: There is no problem with this.
FI didn’t invite his Dad. His Dad has never been in his life until a few years ago. It was smooth sailing for awhile until his Dad tricked FI into selling his land to him and then took him to court.
They’re your biological parents and that’s it. You don’t owe them shit.
Post # 15
I don’t think it’s anyone’s business if your parents are or aren’t invited. I would stop talking to people about it. If anyone asks, just say you’re not sure and change the subject.
Post # 16
@Brooke1226: I agree with you 100%.
I had it tough too. My mother was single and then remarried and the drarma that she put me through as a child and using me as her support group was so severe that even up to few months ago she would still be able to guilt trip me into sending her money constantly even when i was myself going into debt. My Father is an alcoholic and barely able to take care of himself.
I had sent the invitations to boeth of them (they both live in another country where i moved away from) but my father likely won’t come because he just wouldn’t have the means plus we only talk twice a year. And my mother would only come if i paid for everything and her trip. Last time she came to visit me, she put my in debt by 5,000.
So looks like my co-workers and friends will sit on my side during ceremony.
I don’t think we are bad people for wanting to stay away from family members that have showed nothing but disapointment and caused drama.