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Did any of your FI propose without asking for permission/advice from his own parents? In other words, a proposal came and they were totally in the dark that it was going to come?
My FI didn't tell his parents that we wanted to get married, but he did talk to them when we moved in together, and since he'd never lived with anyone else, I think they knew it was coming.
We didn't tell his family until after we had decided to get married. They don't seem to really care either way.
R didn't really think of telling his parents... I took him aside and basically explained to him why they would be upset if he didn't tell them first. FBIL and FSIL know specific details about the ring, and have for months, because FBIL's father is the jeweler. So FBIL was pulling out pictures at a wedding we all went to, talking about it loudly, etc, and I basically told R that if his parents heard that way, they'd be devastated.
If I hadn't said that, I'm not sure he would have told them before they heard from someone else. I think he meant to, but said he wanted to wait until it was just the three of them in the same room, which never happens since we live in different cities and him mom works the night shift!
I don't think my FI said anything to his parents. I think they had a general idea we were going to get engaged but they were surprised when we called to tell them the news.
He did ask my Dad though.
FI told his mom but not his dad and that caused a lot of problems since his parents are divorced. His stepmom was offended that they weren't told and she took it out on me. Finally, my FI told them he told who he felt was important to tell and she (his stepmom) needs to chill since she is not his mother and they aren't even close. I think his dad was hurt but didn't want to say anything so his wife decided to fight his battles. It was awkward for me at first but I got over it.
My FI talked to his family first. He wanted to make sure he wasn't breaking any religious rules by getting married again after having been divorced. I don't know how many bees are from the south, but a lot of southern Christians believe that each person should only marry once...the end. Once he found out that his parents have been praying for him to find someone he could settle down with (he has been divorced for over 15 years) everything else was cool.
Since we are older (I am 34, he is 41) neither of us felt the need for him to formally ask for my hand. But we did let them know of our plans and asked how they felt about it.
I think the approach would probably have been different if we were say..fresh out of college. But we both have successful careers, homes, kids and haven't been supported by our parents since before we left for college so we ddin't feel the need to go the traditional route.
My husband asked his parents for a blessing before he called my parents. I think he talked to his dad and then his mom, just making sure they were on the same page about us getting married. After they gave him their blessing, he called my parents and asked for their blessing, too. I think he just wanted to make sure both families were supportive before we moved forward. :)
My FI told his mom when he started shopping for rings and got some feedback from her... but he didn't tell her when he was going to do it so it was still a surprise. He didn't tell his dad/step mom anything, but they aren't super close so they didn't seem at all surprised that they didn't know before hand. Most importantly, they all like me... so its all good :)
The reason I ask is because I thought my situation was strange. He told my mother he was going to propose. He did not ask my father for my hand. He didn't tell either of his parents (divorced).
Interesting to hear how everyone went about it :)
His parents know that we'll probably get married, but her certainly isn't going to ask their permission. However, he will ask my parents (eventually... someday...) before he asks me.
He didn't ask his parents or mine. He actually asked me before the proposal if he should ask my father and I said no because I personally find it to be an antiquated tradition. No offense meant to anyone to whom this part of the proposal was important, but for me I feel like it just smacks of the old-school times when women came with dowries and were considered the property of the father, which would then be transferred over to the husband... [burns bra]... just my thoughts on it. Again, no offense meant to anyone who likes this tradition.
@Kittyachi...I laughed when I read your post b/c my fiance said almost the exact same thing. He asked me if he would be getting cows or pigs with his dowry after he asked so he could make arrangements...LOL. My FI is paying for the wedding so he wasn't trying to ask for anybody's permission.
My husband is 40, and I'm 32, so I think we're beyond the stage of needing to ask permission, luckily! :)
Haha, same here with the permission... FI asked me if he should ask my dad for his permission, and I was like, "uh, why?"
We more of gave a heads-up, I guess. To me it was like, I wanted them to hear it from us first, but it was not a question.
Absolutely he did! He asked my mom and dad permission, then after they gave their blessing he asked my sister, then my best friend, then his parents, and all his siblings! Haha, I think he was a little excited! But since it was done at a graduation dinner for me in front of all my family, his family, and our friends, he didn't want anyone close enough to attend the party feel slighted. If he didn't ask at least my dad I would have made him ask right on the spot before I said yes! I'm a very traditional kind of gal!
He has not told his parents yet (he has not proposed yet, but I know he has the ring...) He does not see the need to tell them. I keep telling him that he should tell them before we visit them for Christmas, but we'll see what happens...
My Dad told my sister and I that he did not expect our boyfriends to get his permission, so we don't need to worry about that.
We didn't tell either of our parents beforehand. I think neither side would have expected it either-- mine because of my age, and his because his family thinks that his decisions are his to make.
FI asked my parents for their blessing. His parents are divorced, but they both knew before he proposed. His sister was with him when he picked up my ring.
His mother knew before he proposed, but he didn't ask her permission. he didn't ask my father's permission either. we figured it was something between the two of us. he told his father a few days after the fact though.
FI called his dad to ask him for advice on how to ask my dad for his blessing..so in a way, I guess he told his parents.
He called my father to ask him on the way to take me to our engagement dinner (procrastinate much?), but even that was more of a formality he knew my father and I would appreciate.
He didn't tell his mother (or any of his family) until we were already engaged. It fits his really private personality, but I'm still kind of amazed that you could just keep that inside!
We'd also been together for a really long time, so it wasn't a surprise to anyone. Even if he had told his mother, she would have been like, oh, really? Good. :)
He asked my dad but didn't tell my mom, though she guessed when it would happen, but his parents were in the dark. He was the first of his brothers to get engaged so I think they were a bit surprised too, though not that surprised since we'd been dating for awhile.
My fi and I had been together over 4 years. So I think everyone in the world knew it was coming. And his cousin even made my engagement ring. So we definitely had everyones permission.
My husband didn't ask permission from his dad, but we'd been together long enough that I'm sure it wasn't a complete surprise when it happened.
FH didn't ask permission from anyone (no offense, but it seems weird to me that we still do this tradition nowadays). He actually ended up going ring shopping while out visiting his parents, and so, he told them he was planning on proposing - but no specifics. He didn't ask my parents for permission, as my family have always said both FH and I are adults - "permission" isn't necessary, and FH and I feel the same. My first call after getting engaged was to mom and dad though, to tell them the news!! :)
What's a little sad is that I've heard his father make an off-hand comment to me that he's bothered by the fact that his son didn't ask his advice/consent/blessing beforehand.
He told his mother that he was ring shopping months before he proposed, and it is a good thing that he did. He was going to go to a jewelry store in the mall to purchase a ring (I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that) but she let him know that one of her close friends who he considers family is a jeweler and he was able to purchase the ring from the family friend and get alot more for his money. He did not tell his dad first though because they are not really close. His mother would have been extremely upset if she had not known though.
Our engagement was a total surprise, so neither his family nor mine had any idea it was coming! They all assumed we'd get married, but FI is SUCH a planner, that they thought they'd know when he was about to propose. Turns out when Air France goes on strike and you're stranded in Paris, spontaneity can occur :-)
Right after he proposed, he called my dad and asked permission. Once my dad said "yes, of course!" he said, "good, because I just asked her and she said yes". When we called his family, they were all very surprised, but SO happy- eveyone was in tears!
FI asked my parents but kept it a secret from his parents. It's funny because he was at dinner with this family with the ring in his coat pocket and didn't say a thing. He told his parents he proposed while we were having brunch the next day. LOL, his phone did not stop ringing the entire meal as his extended family got wind of the news.
there was zero discussion with either family about marriage and like Gabrielle said above, i too find the permission/blessing thing weird
After 4 years my husband's parents knew it was coming, but he didn't tell them anything about the proposal. His mom is not the best at keeping secrets so it was probably a good thing. Also, I don't think he wanted the pressure from his parents asking a million questions and such.
I think both of our parents suspected. FI's dad had a "life talk" and he kind of gave his blessing indirectly. FI did not ask my dad's permission. Actually I told him not to. I didn't think it was necessary and didn't want to feel like a pawn, despite tradition.
His parents knew we were planning to get married (and so did mine for that matter). I mentioned I would like him to ask my dad's permission, more of a way to open a line of conversation since they didn't know each other so well and we lived so far away we didn't discuss marriage with my family like we did with his. However, I thought he would propose about a month later when my parents visited us but he planned to propose on our vacation (which was shortly after I suggested he ask my dad). After the proposal, he told me he tried to call my dad before we left for vacation but could not get ahold of him so he had yet to officially ask but my parents visited about 3 weeks later so the communication I was hoping for happened then. He was sort of under a deadline since we planned an engagement party to take place at his parents house while mine were visiting so they could meet his family and out local friends but he really caught me off guard when we were on vacation and I didn'T even know he bought a ring!
He didn't talk to either of our parents before proposing. I know some people like this, but I never really understood the "permission" thing. It just wasn't applicable for us.
Neither of our parents knew until after he proposed. I think he knew that both my father and I would have been seriously weirded out if he'd asked permission from that angle.
Like others, I just don't get the asking permission thing; I suspect it's more regional/cultural these days. I just don't think my FI even thought about it.
We sat down with his parents a few months before he proposed and talked to them about us getting married eventually. When he went ring shopping, he showed his sister and when he picked up the ring he showed it to his parents and told them when he wanted to propose. They were informed the whole time, which made things a lot smoother.
I don't think it's weird at all. I'm with some others that the whole asking permission thing, whether it's the bride's family or the groom's family, is really outdated, and for me, it's insulting. I know my bf knows my feelings on this. Even if my dad absolutely hated my bf (which he doesn't!), and said no if my bf asked his permission to marry me, I would do it anyways because who is my father to say who I can or cannot marry? I guess this is one issue where my feminism is in full force. :) If your FI didn't care about asking his parents, then it's prob not a big deal.
i dont find it insulting but what i find weird about it is that for those couples that are having sex and/or living together, did then boyfriend go over to dads and ask if it was ok to bang his daugther before he slipped on a condom for a wild night of passionate sex..... im guessing not. but when it comes to marriage, legalising their committment to eachother he does - this will never make sense to me :)
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