Post # 1
So I’ve been reading the Bee for a while but thought I’d sign up to have a little vent since I don’t want to stress out FI with it too much.
When we decided to get engaged we thought we would have to wait quite a few years to save up for a wedding (at this point our daughter was just over a year old, she is now 18 months). A month ago my mum let me know that if we wanted to get married anytime from september 2014 onwards she could give us £3k. Obviously this is amazing an offer and totally unexpected. We always knew we wanted a small wedding and after searching venues and getting quotes we booked an appointment to view what is now our chosen place for our wedding day in 2015.
Because we wanted a small wedding with just close family and a couple of friends each we discussed and decided on a ‘no plus ones’ rule, we would only invite the people we specifically wanted to share our day (And by small i mean 20 guests). It was also a financial decision To help keep costs down. Ill state now that of the 4 people with live in partners, the other three have no issue with our no plus one decision, no expectations that they would have got a plus one and are just happy that they get to see us get married.
my cousin is moving in with her boyfriend this week after 5 years of dating. When i text to ask if the location and date would be feasible for her (it is 45 mins from us but she works freelance in london) she asked if bf was invited as her plus one. I politely explained our blanket policy and told her i was excited she could come.
two days later i received a text from her mum/my aunt saying that she knew weddings were expensive and it was ‘all about numbers’ (she married in a registry office with teo witnesses and invited no family) but she wanted daughters bf to be there and asked how flexible the numbers where. I’ll be honest i was angry and restrained myself from replying immediately. When i did i politely explained the situation in full (with specific details on the guests not getting a plus one and the seriousness of the relationship) as well as the financial aspects with money already spent on food and drink as well as how we really wanted an intimate wedding.
her reply to this was that she would pay his place and it could be our little secret! So yet again i explained how it wasnt just about the money and we would not feel confortable lying. Can you imagine if someone found out on the day? If for example fi’s gran realised cousin had a plus one but her sister did not? That would certainly cause some hurt feelings.
she has text to say they are talking about it today and i get the feeling they are going to say if they dont get a pkus one they will not attend. Honestly, this will upset me but if they are going to have such a bad attitude then i really dont want that on our big day. I should also add that cousin would be seated eith her mum, dad and sister and is 24 (sis is 25) so not like she will have no one to talk to.
honestly, this is what it is so i dont expect any advice i just needed a good old fashioned rant!
anyone else having guest list woes or plus one dramas and want to have a vent? Please feel free lol
Post # 3
It’s very rude to not include plus ones at a wedding, especially live ins. I know you don’t want advice, but how can you expect people to celebrate your relationship when you aren’t acknowledging theirs? She doesn’t have a bad attitude, you do.
Post # 4
@MissW2MrsB: Ugh my friend is getting married and we were JUST talking about not giving people who are not in serious relationships and will know many other guests plus ones… I completely understand and I am so sorry you’re getting bullied into it.
I let people have plus ones and most didn’t take me up on the offer – of those that did, I had 3 no-shows! Granted that’s not a ton but its annoying when the person I knew was decidedly going to include someone else and then ended up coming alone, after I already paid for their plus one! At least bring ANYONE, so the $ didn’t get wasted. GRRRRRR! So rude.
Hopefully they will realize blood is thicker than water and will come as a family unit without the boyfriend.
They’re lucky you included them at all! Sheesh!
Post # 5
@MissW2MrsB: Im not sure what etiquette is like where you come from but this is just flat out rude. So vent away but this just seems ridiculous. I would not be coming to your wedding if you excluded my partner. sorry. I don’t really have anything positive to say because I can’t see anything right with how you’re handling the situation. Things could be different where you are from, but this kind of set up would never be acceptable in my circle of family and friends. there would be a lot of hurt feelings and drama. I hope things somehow get worked out but I would just be understanding if they choose not to come to your wedding.
Post # 6
I know you’re not looking for advice, but I have to ask, what if they’re engaged by then? What if any of the people with live-in partners get engaged and get married by then? Then what? Your wedding is still over a year away and this is all very possible.
Post # 7
@sarals24: if we were allowing some plus one but not cousin to have one i would understand that point of view. But we want to know each individual person at our wedding hence making the decision to not allow guests to bring guests. My annoyance mainly stems from the fact that cousin did not contact me herself but has instead left it to her mum. A major part of this is financial as well. We simply cannot afford to pay for plus ones and have apologised to those guests for that fact. Should we not have the wedding that we want to have so that wr can afford the costs that come with allowing plus ones?
Post # 8
I understand not including random plus ones, but live in partners/ serious SOs.. That’s just rude. If your budget prevents you from being courteous I’d reevaluate your options or get used to the fact that people will decline.
Post # 9
@LiliKitty: actually one of my invited friends is engaged and said she wouldnt have expected a plus one if they were married becuase she knew how small the ceremony was going to be. I understand wedding etiquette is a touchy subject esp on here. It is not a decision we made lightly and it isnt as if we expected everyone to be happy with it but what my aunt is doing to me seems extreme. With our wedding being 16 months away it is also feasible that any guests could start a relationship and move in before then which then adds more plus ones. Then people with bf/gfs who dont live together will likely feel like we are not acknowledging their relationship and want to bring partners. Then the singles want a plus one And the whole day has snowballed into something we didnt want and would honestly be a financial burden on us
Post # 10
@KimmySumShuga: thank you, you seem to understand were im coming from. And people who rsvp’d with a plus one and then didnt bring them would be my sorst nightmare in your situation
Post # 11
@MissW2MrsB: We prevented the snowballing by addressing the issue as “Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Doe” for couples that lived together or were engaged. I would never attend a wedding without my FI, even if it was my good friend’s wedding. I’d feel so slighted.
Post # 12
We are not giving singles a plus one for our wedding but not to invite someone’s partner of 5 years who they live with, I think is crossing the line. However, it’s your wedding and you can invite who you want, and they can politely decline.
Post # 13
@MissW2MrsB: That’s exactly right, you need to change the entire wedding. It’s the wedding YOU want, but as soon as you invite guests you need to take their comfort into consideration. So if you can’t afford to properly host them, you need to readjust your idea about your perfect wedding. I wouldn’t attend a wedding if my SO wasn’t invited.
What you aunt doing isn’t rude; what you are doing is.
Post # 14
@MissW2MrsB: I don’t think the bees commenting above read your story well… it is a SMALL WEDDING and this cousin will have HER ENTIRE IMMEDIATE FAMILY present! She doesn’t need a plus one! She needs a reality check that this isn’t about her! Its OP’s wedding and she’d like it to be small, family only affair… and BRAVO to that! I wish I had eloped with a small # of family and friends instead of the 150 that I had… I feel like I lost it and focus was shifted from me and my DH to the guests and their desires… are they having fun? are they eating well? are they enjoying the music? are they eating the candy bar and taking photos in the booth? are they enjoying the scenery on the yacht? are they drunk enough? Is it too hot in here? etc etc etc
Have your intimate wedding and enjoy every minute surrounded by those who want to celebrate and support this big step in the life of your family!
Anyone selfish enough to say “I won’t come unless my boyfriend can” is being a self-centered brat and doesn’t need to be there anway…
Post # 15
If the wedding YOU want is blatantly rude to your guests, then no – no you shouldn’t.
Thhe is isn’t the flavor of the month here – we’re talking long term committed cohabitating or engaged couples. There’s just something quite precious about saying ‘please come celebrate MY relationship, but I can’t be bothered to acknowledge yours.’
Post # 16
@MissW2MrsB: It is sad that you are not facing the possibility that your aunt and cousin won’t come to your wedding as a result of the boyfriend not being invited. While I agree with PPs that the etiquette of not dividing couples is there for a reason (I’d be seriously annoyed if my FI wasn’t invited to my cousin’s wedding even if we weren’t engaged and just living together), I think for the aunt to not go is a little dramatic.
But here’s the thing- unless you are having a big family wedding with kids and partners invited in a location that is easy for everyone to get to and on a non-holiday weekend , you have to know that your wedding choices are going to impact who decides to go. Have exactly the wedding you want, but you’re going to have to grow a thicker skin when it comes to these kinds of reactions. I imagine you’re going to be getting more of it if there are other serious couples that you are splitting up.