No reasons for not attending

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
5032 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

we had a few of those too. . close friends who had been asking us about the wedding constantly.  I won’t lie. . the first “no” we got stabbed me in the heart a little.  It included a sad face but that didn’t help.

and don’t get me started on the people I had to chase down. . . that would be a funny thread though.

Post # 3
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

texaslemon:  with the exception of your friend from JH, all these people’s declined invitations seem pretty obvious. they are all people that have either had feelings for you or your DH at some point. yeah you’re friends but still, it might be hard for them to see that if they still have some unrequited feelings. and because of that, you should probably count yourself lucky that they’ve declined. it sucks they won’t be there, but better a “no” than some I still love you though!! drama bullshit at the wedding right? 

Post # 4
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

texaslemon:  You’re going to have to let it go and focus on the people who are attending your wedding. These people are not in your bridal party, the day won’t go any less smoothly if they aren’t there.

Post # 5
Member
5019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2050

texaslemon:  Either these 3 people have moved on and your wedding isn’t that important to them, or if they’re still friendly with you just not coming to the wedding, maybe they had other commitments that day. It happens.

Post # 6
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

You’re taking it way too personally. And sorry, but it all sounds very high school. It sounds like you don’t even like the #1 guest, so why would you be annoyed that she’s not coming?

Quite honestly, if someone RSVPs with a decline, I could really care less what the reasoning is behind it. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but really. It’s not my business why someone can’t attend, and I don’t feel like I should pry either.  I also don’t want to be lied to. I rather them be honest if they want to let me know, or just check the box that says “NO”, and let it be. If they want to share it with me, great, if not, I’ll move on and focus on who is coming.

Post # 7
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee

But it is the curtious thing to do this day in age.<br /><br />

I’m not sure this day and age has anything to do with it.  Responding to an RSVP is, and has been, curtious.  You  say you know there is not a need to give a reason, so just accept they didn’t. Everyone says that they know their wedding is more important to them and their FI than it is to anyone else, but deep down, I don’t think that some believe that. 

It’s just a set up for more hurt if you start analyzing reasons:  OK, their grandmothers 100th birthday is the same day, that’s important enough I won’t feel slighted. Their child’s first birthday (pretty important milestone for kids and parents) is that day but I think they should come because the kid won’t remember it anyway.  I’m going to feel a little slighted.  They want to stay home and eat pizza, drink beer, and watch the championship game. I’m going to be angry.  

Try to remember that you believe them important enough in your life to invite them, and choose to believe the best of people that you care about:  That they would be there if  there wasn’t an important thing keeping them away.  In the long run it really is easier if you don’t try to analyze why you aren’t or can’t be first priority to everyone on that day.   Yes, you may be extending an unwarranted benefit of the doubt, but you will be in the “ignorance is bliss” category, and it’s less likely to put people in awkward positions that do stress the friendship.   <br />    

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  .
Post # 8
Member
4560 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

It does suck to get declines, even from people  you thought would accept the invite. I had quite a few of those that threw me for a loop… but I figured they either really couldn’t make it, or they would be there if they wanted to be there. We tried to plan it around stuff that wouldn’t be going on, and gave people plemty of time as a heads up – but stuff comes up.

DH and I discussed possibly inviting an ex of mine, only because DH was actually good friends with him at one point (was in his wedding). But, we decided not to… because they don’t hang out as much anymore (not due to me), and my family still wants to punch him in the face when they see him, so that would be awkward. BTW – I didn’t know DH when ex and I dated, I met him YEARS later through a mutual friend and small world, he was a neighbor of my ex.

Sometimes it’s easier to not have those awkward situations, and just be able to enjoy the night instead of worrying if something will happen (drama).

 

Post # 9
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

texaslemon:  really? So the reason people must be RSVPing no is because they must have a thing for either you or your FI? Seriously, who the f cares. If people RSVP no, to me it’s just as fantastic as the flip side of the coin because, well, I get to save $100 a plate. And I don’t have to feel bad that I hurt feelings by not inviting someone. As for making a mountain out of a molehill, my suggestion is to back off.

Post # 11
Hostess
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

texaslemon:  I had a couple of those as well.  A couple close friends (one from grade school and one from Jr high – so 20+ and 15+ years) who weren’t able to come.  One gave me a huge explanation that completely made sense, one was pregnant and had horrible morning sickness (again, made total sense) the third, gave me the most bullshit response ever and I knew she was lying and it just hurt, a lot.  It is what it is.  People are weird, weddings make people weird.

Post # 12
Member
1310 posts
Bumble bee

Two of the three people on your complain list it sounds like you have some idea of why they might not attend. It sounds like you feel upset because you feel like these people should have jumped at the invitation because you went ahead and went out of your way and invited these people despite some issues in the past with how they felt about your relationship. Your other friend as you mention has her own wedding to deal with. Regarding these three people it sounds like there are easy to pinpoint potential reasons they are not attending.

Regarding other guests. Personally, I have never written an excuse on an invitation when responding no. If I feel close to the bride and groom I would end up telling them at some point why I couldn’t attend because I would be seeing them anyway or naturally texting or talking to them about other things. If it is someone I wouldn’t even be seeing or otherwise talking to between the rsvp and their wedding I don’t think I would bother coming up with a reason or excuse.

Post # 14
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

texaslemon:  “But it is the curtious thing to do this day in age” No its not. If someone RSVPs no, they do not owe an explanation at all. They don’t have to send a message or call and say, “sorry I can’t be there, wish I could” No, people don’t have time for that. And I agree with OMGMrsW2B:  you are taking this too personally. 

Maybe they had another event to go to, maybe they can’t afford to go to your wedding, bc lets be honest, it costs a nice amount to go to a wedding. Maybe these people you are upset about don’t consider you close friends as you do them. Maybe they just don’t like going to weddings. Whatever the case is, they certainly don’t owe you a phonecall or a note to say why they aren’t going. 

All that matters are the people that DO show up for the wedding. Those are the people that matter. 

Post # 15
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

texaslemon:  I’m leaning towards taking this too personally. 

For girl 1 – she had a crush on your DH, she objected when you started dating, you sometimes see her around. That’s a good friend to you? Someone you invite to your wedding? It doesn’t really matter if you were good friends in school if you are no longer good friends. I wouldn’t attend half of my middle school or even high school friends’ weddings if they for some reason invited me as I haven’t kept up the friendship. We grew apart, things happen. 

For friend 2 – Yeah, that’d be a little weird. I’d be a little upset there, honestly, if you are good friends, and be very curious what happened. But again, that’s one of your good friends. 

Friend 3 – Alright, best friend from college. Everyone thought you two should date, you turned him down, he has a gf, he’s made it clear he prioritizes you over your gf….I see high potential here for some drama between his relationship with you and relationship with the gf leading to what happened. Still rude to just not RSVP. 

 

You say in your post that it isn’t necessary that people give a reason, but you’re still upset that they aren’t giving you a reason. Take a deep breath. RSVPs of no can be upsetting, but there’s no need to dwell on it. 

People say no for all sorts of reasons, none of which are your business. Perhaps there’s financial issues. Perhaps they don’t think the relationship is that close anymore. Perhaps they already have commitments that day. They do not owe you any reasoning. They only owe you a clear RSVP of yes or no. 

 

Also – why all the texting? Why not picking up the phone and actually calling the friend who never RSVP’d? Especially if you are, as you say, best friends? 

 

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