(Closed) No ring= his vote of no confidence?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Have you talked to him about this? I mean, guys can be pretty clueless sometimes. He probably thinks you’re content with how things are (FYI: merely dropping hints does NOTHING) and sees no reason to rock the boat with an engagement. Talk to him.

Post # 4
Member
645 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Statutory Grape: i agree with you here. you gotta talk to him about it. boys aren’t ways the smartest when it comes to relationships.  

Post # 5
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I second having a convo with him. I felt that i had “dropped out” my relationship a few months ago. I was ready to leave him, not because I didn’t love him, but because I felt that he wasn’t as committed to me as I was to him. I thought that he wasn’t ready and would he ever be ready? I FINALLY decided to have a convo with him and it turns out that we WERE on the same page… I was just about 6 months ahead of his schedule and freaking out for nothing. 😉

Post # 6
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with the posters above – it’s not fair for you to drop out of the relationship if he doesn’t know why that’s happening. Have a talk with him and find out where he is in the spectrum of marriage. Then it’s up to you if you feel tht he’s worth waiting for.

Post # 7
Member
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

If you view no ring as a vote of no confidence, you should be speaking to him to see if that is in fact what is going on. Your assumptions may be completely removed from what he thinks is going on. Does he know your walkaway deadline is December? Because if not, you’re playing this all kinds of wrong. Relationships die without communication. You have to talk to HIM about this, not us.

Post # 8
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Wow I don’t know what to say…

I know many people say that if you really care about the guy, being with him and enjoying the relationship is more important than a ring. BUT I also know what it feels like to wait and wait and nothing happens… at one point, the pain and constant disappointment is too much and you are not there anymore…

I was in your shoes. My guy said he wanted to marry me, but wanted to buy a house first; and when I wouldn’t agree to that, he asked me to wait another year, etc. I had been with him for 5 years at that point. His stance on it was that he wouldn’t be living with me if he didn’t want to be with me forever, but I wanted more and him not wanting to give me more made me distance myself emotionally from the relationship. I would always be in waiting with him – by the time he would have been ready to get engaged, I would have been ready to have children and would have to wait for years, again! Love is important, but timing is as well…

What I realized after that, was that as much as I had loved him, this problem between us was only one of many in which I always let him have the last word, and both of us were always watching over his best interest, not mine. I believe that in a couple in love, each should be watching over their partner’s needs; and that was not the case, never had been.

I left the relationship, because for my sake, I had to start looking after my needs and be with someone who would actually WANT to be with me because he loved me – not because I was always there for him. And I had finally realized that I did not want to spend my life with this person – good thing he had not proposed earlier and we were not married yet; I was still able to step away. I met that person soon after I left my ex, and we were engaged after 18 months, married after two and a half years.

NO, marriage was not more important to me than being in a happy, loving relationship; but sharing goals and being in an relationship where we were both equal was more important. With DH, there was no heartache over getting engaged, because when we started talking about it, we were on the same page.

I guess what I’m saying is, if you are starting to emotionally pull away from the relationship, don’t let people tell you that your priorities aren’t straight, and try to find out if there might be other factors that you haven’t seen before. Maybe you’ll find that you’re just not on the same page yet but it won’t be too long and it’s worth hanging around. Or maybe you’ll find that you just don’t have any more energy to put in this relationship and it is beyond mending. One way or another, just follow your heart and your head; have respect for yourself and make sure that your relationship meets your needs.

Post # 10
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Have you talked about any sort of timeline? Have you told him about your plans of leaving in December?

My SO and I live together. I told him MONTHS ago that if we were not engaged I would not be renewing the lease with him in October. I enjoyed living with him, but I did not feel comfortable signing another year-long lease without having some sort of committment.

Some people tell me that I shouldn’t have done that, that it takes away the surprise, that it forces him into it etc etc. But for me, it was the best thing I could have done for myself… I did not force him to propose and did not threaten with a break up. I just said, I love you, but if you’re not ready to get married then it’s time for me to find my own apartment.

When he realized I was serious and what he would be losing he got the ball rolling!

Post # 11
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@TinyTina:I don’t think it was a bad approach to the situation. I don’t see this as forcing him; I see this as looking out for yourself and letting him decide if he want to be a part of your happiness or not.

Post # 12
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

My FI and had a similar situation. We had been dating about 3 years when I got a new job in a new state and we decided to move here together. He quit his job and moved with me, on faith that he would be able to find a new job here, which he did (luckily). It was only after the move here that we started living together.

After about 9 months, we had “the talk” about why he hadn’t proposed. I explained to him that I felt like we had been ready for a while and I was disappointed that he hadn’t popped the question. I also felt that it was important for him to know that him NOT proposing was hurting my feelings. If he had concerns or was unsure, I felt we should talk about it. He assured me that he was 100% sure and had every intention of proposing. He even sheepishly admitted that he was in a bit of analysis paralysis. He had been devising so many different ways to pop the question that he was a bit overwhelmed with the decision.

That made me feel better so I decided to wait a bit longer to allow him to figure something out and plan it. In my head, though, I still had a bit of a deadline because I felt that now that he knew his indecision was hurting me, he should probably light a little fire under it and get to it.

In the end, he proposed about a month after “the talk.” We talked about it a little after the fact and he said that once he heard me say the words that he was hurting my feelings every day he chose to wait, it woke him up. Guys just don’t think like that. Gals, in general, are classic over-thinkers.

Good luck, and I wish all the best for you!

Post # 13
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

my own opinion (of course), but once you start to THINK about ultimatums… it’s over. you don’t want to marry a man who isn’t 100% in it for the marriage. the wedding is just the first step. your relationship needs to be the most important focus. if you are wedding focussed and he isn’t it will ultimately strain the relationship. either you won’t be happy because you stay single, or he will be forced to propose and you will never forget that he wasn’t ready (for whatever reason). i wish you the best of luck but seriously warn against deadlines !!

Post # 14
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t have any advice for you….if I did I wouldn’t be waiting myself! I do want to wish you good luck though. It’s heartbreaking to see how many of us bees are sitting around, waiting, feeling awful that our men can’t seem to pluck up the courage, money, etc. to ask us to marry them. I don’t know if I blame the industrial complex that makes them think they need to give us a giant diamond and a huge wedding or the idea of life-long commitment but something holds some of them back and all of us normally calm, professional, amazing ladies just about lose our minds. I’m really thinking we need to write men a manual. We have Mr. B’s plan, but they are clearly still clueless on their side of things.

Post # 15
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Another idea; Why not propose to HIM? There’s no law that says the guy has to do the asking.

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Then it sounds like you might need some time apart from him. You aren’t happy with the relationship, he’s not doing anythign to fix it and refuses to so you need to be without him for a little.

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