Post # 1
My wedding is far enough away still that this isn’t an immediate crisis or anything, but I was recently visiting the city where I went to college and some of my college friends were talking about my/others weddings etc in a way where they seemed to assume they’d be bringing their boyfriends.
What do you think about +1’s when it’s a budget issue? If they were married or engaged, or weren’t going to know anyone else there it would be different, but this is a large group of girls who all know eachother and do things together without their boyfriends often anyhow.
On the other hand, some of these girls have been living together for years with their boyfriends and it does seem sort of unfair to differentiate between them and couples that are engaged..but engagement is taken more seriously than dating in society and that’s just a reality of life.
I hope they would still come if their boyfriends aren’t invited–if I knew I would have other friends there I would not personally care/be upset that my FI wasn’t invited, but some might be upset.
I’m considering a no-ring no-bring policy across the board, thoughts?
Post # 3
I wouldn’t do it, you’ll be upsetting a lot of people…and I think it’s unfair.
Usually, people tend to group those who are engaged with those who are living together. Both should receive invitations for their partners, in my opinion.
If a close friend of mine did not invite my FI (back before he was my FI and we were just living together), I’d be very upset and would not attend. I’d probably send them a spatula off their registry out of spite, too, instead of a generous check as I usually do with declining an invite- but that’s just me.
Post # 4
I think it’s rude, sorry. If I had been invited to a wedding while FI and I were defacto rather than engaged I would have been offended and seriously questioned whether this person was a friend of mine. I likely would not attend. I’ve never known anyone to invite only engaged or married couples so this concept just seems so off to me. Not everyone chooses to get married, what if a couple plans to stay defacto?
Post # 5
Very rude. Not everyone gets married. It doesn’t mean they’re not serious.
Post # 6
You will receive numerous opinions on this. However, etiquette requires ONLY that you invite those who are married, those who are engaged, and those who are living together (but only because polite society presumes that their publicly known living arrangements means that they are secretly married.) Etiquette does not otherwise require that you invite the dating partners of your guests, regardless of the length of time they have been dating or how serious they presume themselves to be. You are, however, free to extend your invitations to others beyond those that etiquette requires, if you so choose.
Our foremost expert on etiquette in the Hive is Aspasia475, and she not long ago addressed this subject again in great detail. I am posting from my phone right now, or I would try to find and copy and paste the link here for you. You likely can do a search to find it.
Post # 7
@Bubbles42: Thank you for your input! It’s good to know how people feel.
How do you recommend choosing who is and isn’t “serious” among the people who aren’t married or engaged? I’m also worried about upsetting people with how I’d draw the line.
Post # 8
I know some older couples who have been together for 20 years and haven’t ever gotten married. So they don’t get an invite? Very very rude OP. Going to a wedding is not like going to a bar. You want your partner there. I would decline your invite on principal, even if I knew every single person in the room. Not only would I not send a gift, I likely wouldn’t stay friends with someone who did that. The ONLY exception I might make to that is if one of my best friends said they’re having a 20 person wedding & simply can’t afford to host my SO & we’re close enough and share absolutely everything so I would either understand or flat out offer to pay for my SO’s meal. I would know in their instance that they’re not meaning to degrade my relationship by any means. If a family member or friend or acquaintance did this, I wouldn’t attend & it would greatly strain or break our relationship.
Post # 9
@PromiseRooster: I think you could draw the line with living together. If they’re living together, they’re probably serious. Yes, some couples might be serious and not living together but I think they would understand that the line was drawn at living together. My opinion anyway, that’s probably where I will draw the line at my wedding!
Post # 10
@Dialysate: Thank you for your response! It’s good to know that people feel so strongly about this, because if it were me I wouldn’t really care.
Another concern I have is that it also seems unfair to try to determine how serious a couple is on a case-by-case basis, like it also seemed more equitable to me to have a simple rule across the board, also because giving everyone we invite a +1 would mean not being able to afford to invite people who are really important to us.
Do you have any advice on how to choose, without hurting a lot of feelings?
Post # 11
i wouldn’t do that.
what if a couple has been together for 7 years but no engagement and another couple got engaged after 4 months of dating. is the second couple more serious?
Post # 12
This attitude seems very elitist to me.
We are in 2013, some people dont plan to marry ever, some wont marry for years due to having other priorities.
Time to get off the high horse.
Post # 13
@PromiseRooster: I would not impose this policy, what if there are couples that are choosing to live together be together in every possible way without getting married or engaged. That is not for anyone to judge or decide if its wrong but them.
I would suggest making a personal rule about the plus ones when you are doing your invites. For example, anyone who has gotten a boyfriend or a girl friend after we got engaged, does not get a plus one. We have been together for 7 years and have had the same group of friends. We are having a smaller wedding (100) with 2 large families. Also we are having an open after party for those guests to attend. I don’t think you should have to make room for someone elses guest to your wedding, but I would keep in mind that when people are at a wedding they want to enjoy themselves and imagine their wedding one day, perhaps with their date. If I was invited to a wedding and my BF wasn’t, we would not be going.
Post # 14
If my FI wasn’t invited it wouldn’t bother me, I know how expensive weddings are, and if they didntbknow him why would they want him there!? Ive been to a few weddings where he wasnt invited 🙂
I’m not inviting my group of friends SO’s as I haven’t met them and I’d want to have people that I know at my wedding. My budget and venue means i have a limited guest list anyway, so if I invited my group of friends SO’s I would only be able to invite half of the group!
I’ve told them this and they are all fine with it, phew! they actually said they’d prefer it so they dont have to ‘babysit’ their men who wont know anyone!
Post # 15
I would invite couples that are living together or have been together for more than a year really.
Post # 16
IMO, it’s rude. You can’t give some guests a +1 and not others, it’ll look as though you’re playing “favorites”. Our rule was, anyone over 18 (all guests but 1) get a +1, regardless.