Post # 1
Let me start off by saying that my husband is not a romantic guy whatsoever and doesn’t often go out of his way to show that I am special or important to him. Knowing this, and also knowning that sometimes men needs a specific request if women want something for valentines, I specifically asked for a card and some $5 flowers. Nothing big. Come valentine’s day, I give him the card I got him (and there’s been many years in the past I’ve bought him flowers and other gifts for valentine’s, anniversary, so he feels special) he tells me thanks and likes the card. Then he says he didn’t get me a card because it’s a waste of money.
So there is nothing wrong with that comment in itself, however is taking a piece of paper and writing down “I love you”, or sending me a free e-card, or copying and pasting a card from the internet and printing it out too much to ask if he doesn’t want to spend money? The second issue I have with his comment is that he is always online buying things for himself and his hobbies. Because I see his daily actions and then hear that he doesn’t want to “waste money” on a card for his wife (even a 99 cent card is fine, or an I love you on a piece of paper!) my feelings were really hurt.
I feel hurt because 1) I don’t understand how he thinks buying a cheap card for his wife is a waste of money if he is constantly spending money on himself and 2) I feel that part of this has to do with being lazy when it comes to something other than himself. Too lazy to make the effort to make his wife feel special, even if she specifically asks him to.
Am I out of line for feeling this way and is it unreasonable for me to feel hurt?
Post # 3
That’s a cop-out. Spending .99 cents on a card is not a waste of money if that card will make you happy. He’s trying to justify being an insensitve jerk. You are in no way being unreasonable.
Post # 4
I’m with Lezlers. That’s ridiculous :(.
Post # 5
Have you tried to tell him exactly what you wrote? Just tell him its not about the card or the money its the effort and your upset he couldn’t even grab a sticky note from work with I love you and give it to you. I think helping him out with some examples will help him. Otherwise he may think you are upset about a card.
also does he show he cares in other ways?
Post # 6
Want to give me his email so I can just give him some hints? I’m sorry that you’re feeling let down, but I think you should let him know how you feel…the chance of him making it up to you or doing something different down the road is slim to none if he doesn’t know that you’re really upset. *hugs*
Post # 7
There are plenty of things he could have done to make you feel special and that would have cost nothing.
I am not a big fan of Valentine’s day because I feel like I show my husband how special he is to me every day, not on a commercially specified day. And he does the same for me.
But, a simple card is a nice gesture, or if he doesn’t want to spend money, he could cook, or make you a bath and bring wine, or watch a cheesy movie, sent you a nice email card, etc. Especially that you made it clear to him that it would have been important to you.
You are not being unreasonable, and I would have a talk with him to let him know that your feelings are hurt; and that it may not be a big deal to him, but that since it is for you, you would like to see him put some thought in it…
Post # 8
if you haven’t told him already, i think you should say exactly what you wrote here. it’s completely reasonable to feel hurt when he ignores what you’ve said and your feelings.
Post # 9
I don’t know. Maybe. Only because you admit you know your husband is like this. You probably knew it before you married him, and you know it now. I guess I’m not sure what you were expecting since he does not do anything out of the ordinary to show you that you’re special… However, I can understand since you specially requested how you would be hurt. Surprised… no. But hurt, yes.
I guess I am curious as to why now this bothers you about him? Has he done this to you before?
Post # 10
Actually….. I would never buy my FI a card. To me they are a waste of money because no matter who gives me one, i prob wont keep it. However, if u are the type of person who will keep a card forever, then how rude of him to not spend 99 cents on one. I dont do cards, but i have saved every note from FI, all the way back to our junior year in HS. The fact that he cant take the time to do ANYTHING is rude.
Post # 11
I just want to tell you that I feel your pain. I had a terrible night last night because my FI didn’t do a card or anything either. (I got him a card and chocolates). His excuse was that he had set aside time to spend with me and go out to dinner and a movie. Which is great, but of course I had to make the reservations and research showtimes… I don’t doubt his love for me and there are many things about him that are wonderful, but I just don’t get this level of laziness. Valentine’s Day is the easiest thing in the world for guys – just pick up something silly and pink. Ugh. Anyway, I feel you.
Post # 12
I think that sucks!
My husband isn’t the most romantic person in the world either. I straight up tell him often that I like receiving flowers. I want flowers. Get me some flowers sometime, dude!
He never gets me any flowers. But like others have said here, I knew this going into the relationship. So it’s something I accept and try not to get too bummed out about it. He speaks a different "love language" than me.
He shows me when he says things like "I put another $2k in our house fund!"
So I try to remember that he just has a different way of showing it.
Does your husband show you in different ways?
Post # 13
@deetroitwhat:You are correct, I’m not surprised, but I am hurt especially since I made it a point to ask directly. No hints, no beating around the bush, essentially communicating in a way a guy would understand. The reason why it bothers me is because his actions show that his hobbies are more important than giving thought about his wife’s requests I don’t think that it is healthy if we want to build a strong relationship, and I think that’s what I am hurt about.
After the first 3 years or so of trying to think of trying ways to show me how he cares, he likes me to just tell him what I want for birthday or christmas. For example this past xmas, I ordered an e-reader for myself, sent in the rebate, cut out the upc code, etc and he just gave me his credit card. While of course I wish like most girls he would be more romantic, I know who he is and it doesn’t really bother me. What bothered me in this instance was his contradictions about the value of money with his offhanded answer and the fact that I specifically asked him to do something special for me (which I rarely do) and he ignored it.
@everyone: I think I will take your advice in speaking with him. I will probably wait a day or two so I can talk to him calmly and logically without getting emotional and crying 🙂 thanks for everyone’s answers, they really help.
Post # 14
@chocolatechunk: Yeah, that makes sense. I’m sorry 🙁 Guys just really don’t get it sometimes.
Post # 15
You need to read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Men and women tend to express their love differently. You should sit down with him and tell him you are not happy. That HE isn’t making you happy. Then read this book together. Figure out what each of your love languages are. Miss Elephant blogged about this book and I am telling you that it changed our lives (Fi and me!)
Post # 16
@vtbride2010: We have read that book together, the thing is his laziness when it comes to making an effort gets in the way of him expressing his love language.