We still have about 100 potential guests who have not yet RSVPed. Our wedding is about 5 weeks away.
Now here is the problem. About 50 of them are Koreans. As I understand from talking to my in-laws Koreans are not really used to RSVP. They just show up on the wedding day. Chances are also that they show up with their husband or wife.
Now we are calculating to get another 15 meals from our vendor. But what do we do if there are more people showing up without any RSVP? I want to avoid by any means that they will enter the reception site and sitting down and thus taking the seats away of those who have RSVPed (we are not having assigned seatings). We will have one or two extra tables but what if it fills up and there are still extra people showing up?
I don't want a bouncer to tell them to leave after the ceremony. How can we politely turn them down or let them understand that they cannot enter after the extra 15 seats are taken?
Do you have phone numbers for everyone? I recommend calling and finding out who is actually coming... I'd rather be called instead of turned away (though it was my lack of RSVP-ing that cause the turn away)
if your RSVP date has come & gone I'd suggest call everyone who hasn't replied and find out if they are coming or not; the last few weeks before your wedding are stressful enough without knowing what your final count will be at the reception.
Are your inlaws paying for the wedding? If so, then I would let them deal with it and plan to have your venue set up and serve extra meals as required. If it is their tradition not to RSVP then your in-laws should be prepared to deal with the extra costs.
If they are not paying for it.... then too bad for them, I would follow up by phone. It is your guests faux-pas for not RSVPing as requested, not yours for following up by phone. Really, you are doing them a courtesy for following up and getting a response for them, by doing that you are ensuring they have a meal and somewhere to sit. Very courteous of you, considering they didn't have the courtesy to RSVP.
If it makes you feel any better, talking to some event planning friends, typically about 10% of those that RSVP'd "yes" will not show up (due to various reasons: sickness, death, etc).
And when I talked to my banquet manager, he said that most places will have extra meals prepared anyway, especially if you have a venue where guests pick their meals (ie; chicken, beef, fish, vegetarian). Even after giving the venue a final count, they usually prepare a lot more than the count since guests don't usually remember what they picked or sometimes change their minds.
It's too bad that so many of your guests didn't RSVP, but at this point I think you have to call them and explain that you really need an idea of how many people are coming, in order to ensure that there is food - and tables and chairs - for everybody who shows up. If they can't seem to commit, then use your best judgement to tell them that you will either be looking forward to seeing them there, or you're so sorry that you won't. It's not rude to make it clear that your caterer will set up for the number of people expected, so you need to know. If you had only a small number of people who hadn't RSVP'd you could probably accomodate the risk, but with 100 I think you need to do something.
I second that if you are are in charge of arrangements, particularly if you are paying, then your in-laws don't have any say in this. If they are reluctant to call, then it's probably better you do it yourself anyway, as they are likely to end up telling people that whatever they do is fine, and you won't have any better numbers than you do now. Hopefully you do have or can get phone numbers. I made both my mom and my FMIL provide phone numbers for everybody on the guest list, in order to get them on the guest list, just in case we had to do any calling (as I don't really trust either one of them to be firm about the importance of the RSVP).
In order to call them I would need to be able to speak Korean as those Invites don't speak English but the thing is I don't. Plus I do not know these people at all. Only his parents can do these follow-up calls because those are their friends. You get the idea. I feel like being in a big dilemma. The ones that I can follow-up by phone that are from my side will definetly be taken care of.
My hubbie thinks that those people are unlikely to come as those remaining ones were just invited out of 'courtesy'. Now guess what happened yesterday: my FIL receives a call from his friend telling him someone else was complaining not having received an invitation (a potential courtesy invite who they would have guessed would not be coming anyway so we did not invite him). On top of that we received a RSVP of a so called courtesy invite who is actually coming...=(
Now we were asked to put a couple of more invitations together to be send out. And all the Koreans who so far have RSVPed are coming with a date...which makes me fear that those who come without an RSVP will bring a date as well. I am about to loose my nerves. Am I the only one facing this kind of problem?
if you FILs are unwilling to call to follow up, could your fh call them since they are technically from "his"side of the invite list??
how about mailing a follow-up letter written in korean, nothing fancy, just something that politely states: since our venue has limited space, we would like the courtesy of your reply so proper meals and seating arrangements can be secured" or something like that...
i'd definitely put my foot down with the FILs (i know this can be seen as a sign of disrespect but you have to do what you have to do); can your parents talk to his parents?? or make your fh talk to his parents?? good luck!
I would just tell you FILs that if these people show up and do not RSVP you will not be able to accommodate them and will have to ask them to leave. And get your FH behind you on this. I think that the embarrassment of having their friends turned away would be enough for them to do SOMETHING about the situation.
And I also think that if you are unable to get a guest count from these people that you need to have assigned seating. I know it's more work, but it is really unfair to your guests that RSVPed to show up and have these crashers taking up all the seats.
Thanks to all of you for your kind thoughts and good ideas. I am glad that I have my brother in law volunteering to act as a 'bouncer' and turn them away if we needed to. Eventhough I do not like the idea but if we cannot have a phone follow-up this is the only way to go. I also like the idea of assigned seating. I would definetly consider this as well though we prefer people to pick their own seatings. I still have hope!
I agree with prettykatie, you should have assigned tables. Not only will this prevent the "crashers" from taking the seats of those guests who were actually polite enough to RSVP, it will also make things easier for your guests.
I know assigned seating might feel like you're bossing your guests around, but think of it this way: Would you want to walk into a room with tonnes of people you don't know (some of whom don't even speak your language) and try to find a seat? Maybe the table with your friends is already full... maybe you have a date with you and there are only single seats left. Having assigned will reduce the confusion and help your guests find seats faster. This will also help to keep things on schedule; your caterer will thank you!
Good luck with whatever you decide! I'm sure it will all work out and you'll have a wonderful wedding day!
I AM LOOSING MY NERVES! Today my FIL met a friend who he was sure would be attending our wedding. Since we have not received his RSVP he confronted him. Why have you not RSVPed? His answer was: what RSVP? What is RSVP? So my FIL explained it to him.
Koreans apparently do attend mostly buffet-style weddings and there is usually no need to RSVP.
Aargh. If this applies to the remaining 50 Korean invites who haven't RSVPed and who are planning to come with a date... HELP! I am glad that my other half is understanding that this is a pretty serious situation. He will talk again to his parents tomorrow...OMG
I am sorry in advance if this sounds a bit snarky, because I really don't mean it in that way. i feel for your sitaution, but have to say that I don't think that this is a particularly Korean cultural thing. I have been a part of plenty of weddings where hordes of non-Koreans failed to RSVP and others with mainly Korean guests, where they were all aware and respectful of RSVPing. Sorry - I just feel like this is how negative stereotypes start and I see cultural/racial comments like this all the time on the boards and felt like I should say something.
I really feel like setting up an assigned seating situation will help. If people leave your ceremony, go to your reception and do not find an escort/table card they will have to leave. Perhaps you can have a few of your ushers help guests at the escort/table card table and politely let the people without a card that if they didn't RSVP they don't have a seat and will have to leave.
no offense here. I am glad you pointed it out to me. I guess my frustration was overboiling. This is not meant to be a racial comment at all. I can only speak for my experience and from what my in-laws had been explaining to me. So please readers don't steoreotype this situation. I am sure that there are plenty Korean weddings out there that are handled very well where people have RSVPed in time.
PLEASE do not turn invited guests, any guests, away at the reception....I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would make me as an inivted guest; I think it would be horrendous for the guests who had not RSVPed and equally embarassing for those who had RSVPed to see that -- it would not set the tone you want for your reception celebration. This is not an opportunity to teach grown men and women an etiquette lesson; they're your guests, presumably invited because you want them there. Just call them, and, if you can't call them, then assume 2/3 or so will show and have enough food and seats for them. I would not do assigned seating, which would make the non-RSVPers feel unwelcome.....not the impression you want to give, even though you are frustrated with them. Don't let their slip-ups turn you into an impolite hostess.
You do need to consider the cultural factors in play here (although Koreans certainly aren't the only ethnic group in the world who aren't accustomed to RSVPing). Without getting into a complete anthropological analysis of Asian/ Korean cultures, there is a whole extra layer of social debts and obligations going on that may not be obvious to someone raised outside of this culture.
Let's say Mr. X invited your ILs to his daughter's wedding 10 years ago, therefore he is owed an invitation. Mr. X doesn't really want to attend your wedding but he doesn't want to come right out and say "no" directly. If your ILs call him and put him on the spot by asking him to decide whether or not he wants to come, he has to say "yes" because otherwise he's insulting your ILs. From a saving face perspective, it's better for him to passively not attend the wedding than give your ILs a direct refusal.
I think it would be very humilitating for your ILs if some of the guests were turned away at the door for not RSVPing. I highly encourage you not to go there, because your ILs would feel like they have insulted half their community. I do think you need to use this worst-case-scenario possibility as leverage with your ILs.
Have your future husband talk to them and brainstorm ways to figure out how many people are going to come in the most culturally correct manner. My suggestions would be to have them send a letter in Korean to the non-responders saying "Oh this is an American style wedding and so different than what we are used to. Please use this postcard to let us know if you're coming, otherwise we will assume not". Even so, I would plan for some extra meals and seats just in case.
speaking as a korean, i am SOOO not surprised that they didnt RSVP. i think its your inlaws responsbility to tell them they need to RSVP. it might mean calling up 50 ppl but its better to be thorough than have to stress the day-of. fortunately for us, my parents won't be inviting any of their friends because i dont live in the same city as them.... that saved us a lot of $$. good luck though!!
We still have about 100 potential guests who have not yet RSVPed. Our wedding is about 5 weeks away.
Now here is the problem. About 50 of them are Koreans. As I understand from talking to my in-laws Koreans are not really used to RSVP. They just show up on the wedding day. Chances are also that they show up with their husband or wife.
Now we are calculating to get another 15 meals from our vendor. But what do we do if there are more people showing up without any RSVP? I want to avoid by any means that they will enter the reception site and sitting down and thus taking the seats away of those who have RSVPed (we are not having assigned seatings). We will have one or two extra tables but what if it fills up and there are still extra people showing up?
I don't want a bouncer to tell them to leave after the ceremony. How can we politely turn them down or let them understand that they cannot enter after the extra 15 seats are taken?
posted by Camille 131 posts 7 months agoDo you have phone numbers for everyone? I recommend calling and finding out who is actually coming... I'd rather be called instead of turned away (though it was my lack of RSVP-ing that cause the turn away)
posted by nicole3381 49 posts 7 months agoif your RSVP date has come & gone I'd suggest call everyone who hasn't replied and find out if they are coming or not; the last few weeks before your wedding are stressful enough without knowing what your final count will be at the reception.
posted by psu01 73 posts 7 months agoI want to do that but my in-laws do not want to follow-up by phone =(
posted by Camille 131 posts 7 months agoAre your inlaws paying for the wedding? If so, then I would let them deal with it and plan to have your venue set up and serve extra meals as required. If it is their tradition not to RSVP then your in-laws should be prepared to deal with the extra costs.
If they are not paying for it.... then too bad for them, I would follow up by phone. It is your guests faux-pas for not RSVPing as requested, not yours for following up by phone. Really, you are doing them a courtesy for following up and getting a response for them, by doing that you are ensuring they have a meal and somewhere to sit. Very courteous of you, considering they didn't have the courtesy to RSVP.
posted by MrsJones 27 posts 7 months agoIf it makes you feel any better, talking to some event planning friends, typically about 10% of those that RSVP'd "yes" will not show up (due to various reasons: sickness, death, etc).
And when I talked to my banquet manager, he said that most places will have extra meals prepared anyway, especially if you have a venue where guests pick their meals (ie; chicken, beef, fish, vegetarian). Even after giving the venue a final count, they usually prepare a lot more than the count since guests don't usually remember what they picked or sometimes change their minds.
posted by Yach 234 posts 7 months agoIt's too bad that so many of your guests didn't RSVP, but at this point I think you have to call them and explain that you really need an idea of how many people are coming, in order to ensure that there is food - and tables and chairs - for everybody who shows up. If they can't seem to commit, then use your best judgement to tell them that you will either be looking forward to seeing them there, or you're so sorry that you won't. It's not rude to make it clear that your caterer will set up for the number of people expected, so you need to know. If you had only a small number of people who hadn't RSVP'd you could probably accomodate the risk, but with 100 I think you need to do something.
I second that if you are are in charge of arrangements, particularly if you are paying, then your in-laws don't have any say in this. If they are reluctant to call, then it's probably better you do it yourself anyway, as they are likely to end up telling people that whatever they do is fine, and you won't have any better numbers than you do now. Hopefully you do have or can get phone numbers. I made both my mom and my FMIL provide phone numbers for everybody on the guest list, in order to get them on the guest list, just in case we had to do any calling (as I don't really trust either one of them to be firm about the importance of the RSVP).
posted by suzanno 1,981 posts 7 months agoIn order to call them I would need to be able to speak Korean as those Invites don't speak English but the thing is I don't. Plus I do not know these people at all. Only his parents can do these follow-up calls because those are their friends. You get the idea. I feel like being in a big dilemma. The ones that I can follow-up by phone that are from my side will definetly be taken care of.
My hubbie thinks that those people are unlikely to come as those remaining ones were just invited out of 'courtesy'. Now guess what happened yesterday: my FIL receives a call from his friend telling him someone else was complaining not having received an invitation (a potential courtesy invite who they would have guessed would not be coming anyway so we did not invite him). On top of that we received a RSVP of a so called courtesy invite who is actually coming...=(
Now we were asked to put a couple of more invitations together to be send out. And all the Koreans who so far have RSVPed are coming with a date...which makes me fear that those who come without an RSVP will bring a date as well. I am about to loose my nerves. Am I the only one facing this kind of problem?
posted by Camille 131 posts 7 months agoif you FILs are unwilling to call to follow up, could your fh call them since they are technically from "his"side of the invite list??
how about mailing a follow-up letter written in korean, nothing fancy, just something that politely states: since our venue has limited space, we would like the courtesy of your reply so proper meals and seating arrangements can be secured" or something like that...
i'd definitely put my foot down with the FILs (i know this can be seen as a sign of disrespect but you have to do what you have to do); can your parents talk to his parents?? or make your fh talk to his parents?? good luck!
posted by Anti-Zilla 385 posts 7 months agoI would just tell you FILs that if these people show up and do not RSVP you will not be able to accommodate them and will have to ask them to leave. And get your FH behind you on this. I think that the embarrassment of having their friends turned away would be enough for them to do SOMETHING about the situation.
posted by prettykatie 158 posts 7 months agoAnd I also think that if you are unable to get a guest count from these people that you need to have assigned seating. I know it's more work, but it is really unfair to your guests that RSVPed to show up and have these crashers taking up all the seats.
posted by prettykatie 158 posts 7 months agoThanks to all of you for your kind thoughts and good ideas. I am glad that I have my brother in law volunteering to act as a 'bouncer' and turn them away if we needed to. Eventhough I do not like the idea but if we cannot have a phone follow-up this is the only way to go. I also like the idea of assigned seating. I would definetly consider this as well though we prefer people to pick their own seatings. I still have hope!
posted by Camille 131 posts 7 months agoCall them!!!
posted by caliocteach 720 posts 7 months agoI agree with prettykatie, you should have assigned tables. Not only will this prevent the "crashers" from taking the seats of those guests who were actually polite enough to RSVP, it will also make things easier for your guests.
I know assigned seating might feel like you're bossing your guests around, but think of it this way: Would you want to walk into a room with tonnes of people you don't know (some of whom don't even speak your language) and try to find a seat? Maybe the table with your friends is already full... maybe you have a date with you and there are only single seats left. Having assigned will reduce the confusion and help your guests find seats faster. This will also help to keep things on schedule; your caterer will thank you!
Good luck with whatever you decide! I'm sure it will all work out and you'll have a wonderful wedding day!
posted by shnoogles 22 posts 7 months agoI AM LOOSING MY NERVES! Today my FIL met a friend who he was sure would be attending our wedding. Since we have not received his RSVP he confronted him. Why have you not RSVPed? His answer was: what RSVP? What is RSVP? So my FIL explained it to him.
Koreans apparently do attend mostly buffet-style weddings and there is usually no need to RSVP.
Aargh. If this applies to the remaining 50 Korean invites who haven't RSVPed and who are planning to come with a date... HELP! I am glad that my other half is understanding that this is a pretty serious situation. He will talk again to his parents tomorrow...OMG
posted by Camille 131 posts 7 months agoI am sorry in advance if this sounds a bit snarky, because I really don't mean it in that way. i feel for your sitaution, but have to say that I don't think that this is a particularly Korean cultural thing. I have been a part of plenty of weddings where hordes of non-Koreans failed to RSVP and others with mainly Korean guests, where they were all aware and respectful of RSVPing. Sorry - I just feel like this is how negative stereotypes start and I see cultural/racial comments like this all the time on the boards and felt like I should say something.
I really feel like setting up an assigned seating situation will help. If people leave your ceremony, go to your reception and do not find an escort/table card they will have to leave. Perhaps you can have a few of your ushers help guests at the escort/table card table and politely let the people without a card that if they didn't RSVP they don't have a seat and will have to leave.
Good luck!
posted by pancy 201 posts 7 months agoHi Pancy,
no offense here. I am glad you pointed it out to me. I guess my frustration was overboiling. This is not meant to be a racial comment at all. I can only speak for my experience and from what my in-laws had been explaining to me. So please readers don't steoreotype this situation. I am sure that there are plenty Korean weddings out there that are handled very well where people have RSVPed in time.
posted by Camille 131 posts 7 months agoPLEASE do not turn invited guests, any guests, away at the reception....I can't imagine how uncomfortable that would make me as an inivted guest; I think it would be horrendous for the guests who had not RSVPed and equally embarassing for those who had RSVPed to see that -- it would not set the tone you want for your reception celebration. This is not an opportunity to teach grown men and women an etiquette lesson; they're your guests, presumably invited because you want them there. Just call them, and, if you can't call them, then assume 2/3 or so will show and have enough food and seats for them. I would not do assigned seating, which would make the non-RSVPers feel unwelcome.....not the impression you want to give, even though you are frustrated with them. Don't let their slip-ups turn you into an impolite hostess.
posted by maryalison 105 posts 7 months agoYou do need to consider the cultural factors in play here (although Koreans certainly aren't the only ethnic group in the world who aren't accustomed to RSVPing). Without getting into a complete anthropological analysis of Asian/ Korean cultures, there is a whole extra layer of social debts and obligations going on that may not be obvious to someone raised outside of this culture.
Let's say Mr. X invited your ILs to his daughter's wedding 10 years ago, therefore he is owed an invitation. Mr. X doesn't really want to attend your wedding but he doesn't want to come right out and say "no" directly. If your ILs call him and put him on the spot by asking him to decide whether or not he wants to come, he has to say "yes" because otherwise he's insulting your ILs. From a saving face perspective, it's better for him to passively not attend the wedding than give your ILs a direct refusal.
I think it would be very humilitating for your ILs if some of the guests were turned away at the door for not RSVPing. I highly encourage you not to go there, because your ILs would feel like they have insulted half their community. I do think you need to use this worst-case-scenario possibility as leverage with your ILs.
Have your future husband talk to them and brainstorm ways to figure out how many people are going to come in the most culturally correct manner. My suggestions would be to have them send a letter in Korean to the non-responders saying "Oh this is an American style wedding and so different than what we are used to. Please use this postcard to let us know if you're coming, otherwise we will assume not". Even so, I would plan for some extra meals and seats just in case.
posted by Sakoro 19 posts 7 months agospeaking as a korean, i am SOOO not surprised that they didnt RSVP. i think its your inlaws responsbility to tell them they need to RSVP. it might mean calling up 50 ppl but its better to be thorough than have to stress the day-of. fortunately for us, my parents won't be inviting any of their friends because i dont live in the same city as them.... that saved us a lot of $$. good luck though!!
posted by bora 62 posts 7 months ago