Post # 1
Hello Bees<br /><br />I know there’s probably been 934803 other posts about low libido, but I thought I’d write my own for some advice. A little background: I have been with DH since Nov. 2010 and married since Sept. 2013. When we were first together we had sex (good sex) a few times a week. Then it started to decrease. I wish I could remember if it was a gradual decline or if the libido just turned off suddenly…but I can’t recall. I think it was probably around summer 2012 that my sex drive changed. Now, probably for the last solid year and a half, I’ve had NO SEX DRIVE. I thought maybe last year it was due to planning the wedding, but nope. Even on our honeymoon I didn’t want it. I wanted to sit on the balcony or beach and drink coffee or mimosas. I feel like I could go the rest of my life without sex. And, before DH, I had a very high sex drive…and many partners/one night stands. I loved sex. And when I was first with DH we had great passionate sex. Now…I have no interest. I’m tired and honestly just want to watch TV and then go to bed. Or, I’d rather get on Pinterest or read my book. I feel so bad for DH. We are 30 years old and probably have sex ONCE A MONTH…even that one time I dread it, and just want it to be over. So, when I read about couples having sex a “few times a week” I’m so sad, jealous, envious, confused. I want that! How can a human have no libido? I thought at 30 you had a high sex drive? During my “promiscuous” days I had the Mirena IUD, had it removed, had a new one put it in but had it removed due to pain, and now have been on BCP since May 2013. Have any of you that have had low/no libido ever seen a doctor? What did they say or diagnose you with? HELP 🙁
Post # 2
el.mc.568: it could probably have something to do with bc. But if you’re saying it started before that? Are you attracted to your dh? Anything changed in your relationship?
Post # 3
I think you need to get out of the routine. You guys need to spice it up a little bit. Reason why I’m saying this, I am just like you. For some reason, sex is no longer on my priority list. I could go for weeks without it and I started to worry my FI. We sat down and talked about it. We decided we needed to be more spontaneous and we had to have more of it. Even if we didn’t feel like it, because at the end of the day…..it still feels great!
Now, a few weeks into this change, we feel closer to each other, we feel like we want it more…..I just got to work pissy because he decided to get me all worked up right before I had to leave the house.
Maybe this will help? Also maybe your BC is causing some of this.
Post # 4
el.mc.568: I’ve been there. It will make things worse if you keep beating yourself up over it.
This sounds bad, but when I get a low sex drive due to hormones or stress or whatever, I usually just let me fiance dictate when we have sex and do it even if I’m not feeling it. That helps me get back in the mood as opposed to just cutting it out cold-turkey. I read a study that says the less sex women have, the less they want it. The less sex men have, the more they want it.
It has also helped us to explore our fantasies and visit toy shops together. Do you feel that you can be open with your husband about what you need in bed? I’m sure he would be happy to do something extra for you if it means he’s getting more sex. Maybe you could ask for more foreplay or more him-on-you oral.
It might also help for you to try something new that isn’t even sexual together. This will help you see each other in a new light that attracts you that much more to your guy. We started hiking and doing more nonsexual physical activity, and it brought us closer together.
The most important thing is to explain to him what’s going on. You don’t want him to believe that you are not attracted to him or don’t love him. Tell him you are struggling with sex, and work it out together. We realized that my problems began when I got a cervical infection. Sex became very painful for a few months, so it has taken a while for me to get back into the swing of things. Try to figure out together why you aren’t enjoying sex.
Post # 5
morningcoffee: hey, yes, I’m super attracted to my DH, and that makes it all the more confusing. The lower sex drive did start while I still had the Mirena IUD…but has worsened, so I’m not sure whether or not it correlates with my BCP. 🙁 <br />We did move (from an apt. to a house of our own) in June 2012, so sometimes I wonder if that’s when it all started? The house hasn’t caused any more stress in life, it actually made life better. But, I can’t help but wonder if the move had something to do with it?
Post # 6
el.mc.568: Since being with DH, I’ve gone through the depo shots, implanon, and the pill. We got together in July of 2010 and we had sex a lot, but I think that is because the relationship was new. After a year or so it gradually got less and less. Still did it once a week because DH would initiate. But I went off BC pills at the beginning of May and now I want it way more than he does! I’m talking like 3+ times a week usually. I would maybe talk to your dr about switching to a different one to see if that helps at all.
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
el.mc.568: I just want to say can totally relate and from what I’ve heard (from every single one of my girlfriends!!) what you’re experiencing is totally normal. Seriously. I am in the exact same time-frame as you and I literally feel almost exactly the same way. MY DH and I have a great, trusting relationship and I am attracted to him but yeah the passion is gone.
Everyone’s going to try to give you advice as to what to do but honestly I think that’s just how many (most?) relationships work after a few years. I think you will get into a nice rhythm of looking forward to sex every once in a while but those days of lust are gone! I hear ya!
I also think you should stop feeling bad about it. I feel like society tells us we should be super sexed up and horny when we’re young and honestly that’s just not how things work. It’s a discouraging standard to have to live up to and I don’t think you should feel weird or abnormal.
You could consider talking to your doctor; maybe they could run some hormone tests? I am actually going in to my Gyn today as low sex drive is an issue of mine (been off BC for 4 years. this happens in every single relationship I’ve been in after 2 years….) so maybe they’ll give me a magic pill that will make me horny. Oh wait, that’s only available for men!
Post # 8
I had similar problems when I was on the pill. I came off it for a trial to see if that was a culprit, and my libido improved.
But I think you maybe are just in a rut (and the pill probably isn’t helping). And worrying about it is probably doing more damage than good. I’ve been there and this is what I did (beyond coming off pill).
1. EXERCISE. Have you gained a little weight or become a little more sedentary? One of the best natural ways to spike libido is to get those endorphins going. Go for a run a couple hours before bed.
2. GET RID OF TECHNOLOGY. I felt the same way once. I can remember wanting to watch reruns of law and order over having sex. And the internet is a useless trap. When I was able to recognize this pattern, I made up a tv/internet/phone time limit. It was so nice to reconnect with my man!
3. There is nothing that puts me less in the mood than being badgered over sex. Obviously FI and I talked about my lack of drive. I told him that until I get back in my game to stop badgering me about sex. I would come to him and I needed him to stop whining about it.
In short, beyond the pill, I think another cause is just getting stuck in a pattern of preoccupation and maybe a little laziness. We’ve all been there at some point (go ask any married couple). Don’t beat yourself up.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
While I agree that it could be just a normal phase of a no-longer-new relationship, I also think you should make an effort to have sex more often, even if you aren’t totally wanting it. Personally, when I get into one of those low-drive modes, I find that I still like it, once we are doing it. So I will go along with it– and enjoy it– mostly to keep DH happy. I feel like it keeps us healthy!
Post # 10
prahajess: Normally I think you give fairly solid advice in other threads and in general I like your comments, but I have to disagree with you here. But you raise an interesting thought…
OP, do you enjoy sex once it’s started, or does it feel like a chore even in the throws of passion?
Post # 11
Ugh, I’m dealing with the same thing and it’s no fun. I couldn’t care less about sex but DH thinks we should be doing it every night. (Seriously?) Right now I can manage three or four times a week, but that’s still not enough for him and now he’s down on himself because he thinks I don’t find him attractive. To further complicate matters I can’t get into it when I do give in–I find myself mentally making grocery lists during or thinking about what store is having a sale. So yeah, it’s a problem.
I think a big part of the issue for me is that my life has gotten so much more chaotic and complicated since we got married. As a single lady I had a nice quiet life with a nice quiet routine, but now everything is all crazy and stressful what with all of our dogs and his family and things breaking around the house. When you’re dealing with all that and you still have your DH whining because you didn’t wash the jeans he wanted to wear, it’s reeeeallly hard to muster up any kind of interest in sex, you know?
I’ve seen my doc about this twice, and she said I have 3 options: I can change birth control (I’m on the pill and have been for the past 14 years), I can use a testosterone cream, or she can refer me to a sex therapist. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to do, but I’m leaning towards the therapist since I think a lot of this is stress-related. Sorry I don’t have any good advice for you, but I can definitely commiserate!
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
coffeedrinker: I can sort of guess what you object to– sex when you don’t want it? I didn’t explain myself very well, I agree. I think my advice above works for me because I DO enjoy it once we get into it. I would never advise having sex if you actually find it unpleasant. I didn’t make that clear at all. 🙁
Post # 13
I’d try switching your BCP.
Post # 14
prahajess: I get it… I don’t know of one woman who hasn’t felt that way at some point.