(Closed) No Words…

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

it should be your fi’s decision. it’s a little disconcerting that you said “more I than fi” decided to cut off all communication. how does he really feel about it? is he just going along with this to make you happy? if so, he could come to resent you later.

Post # 4
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this 🙁  I don’t have any kids, but I know that if I did, anything would be fair game to protect them.  I really have no other advice than that.  If you do decide to cut ties (and bless your FI’s heart for supporting you), I offer you thoughts, prayers, and kind wishes. 

Post # 7
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Wow. I read your previous post and this is honestly a very sad situation. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know that it hurts so bad when people are not accepting of your situation and you child. My heart really goes out to you.

I am happy that you have found a man who is loving and accepting of your daughter and hopefully he can be there for you and her for the rest of your lives.

In regards to your Future Mother-In-Law, I commend you for trying to fix this situation. I know that in South Asian families, pride  and keeping the family honour is so important. Have you thought about contacting the pandit in your community to help mediate the situation? Sometimes having an outside party can really ease the situation.

I can see why you think cutting off communications is a good idea. You shouldn’t have to put up with insults by anyone. I think that if you choose to do that from your side, it is a good idea. But, I wouldn’t force Fiance to do that unless he is 100% sure he wants to. Maybe you should just write one more email and explain why you are choosing to end all communications with her and that you are open for a positive relationship in the future if she is willing to work together. 

I really hope the best for you because I can only imagine how heartbreaking this situation is. Best of luck.

Post # 8
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Honestly, at least in the short term, you are doing what is best for YOUR child. I think that you and Fiance need to sit down and have a real conversation on how you are going to handle this long term.

Post # 9
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I do not agree at all with what your Future Mother-In-Law is doing — it is crass, ignorant and mean-spirited to say the least. But a word of caution to you. You have your name, photo, birthdate etc on here. In two seconds, I found the thread you started on swallowing. I can’t help but think that being so public isn’t helping your case one bit.

You know, with this particular culture, there may be little you can do. But for your own sake, make yourself a little more anonymous. And I’ll say one other thing. If she says ONE thing to your little girl about you being a slut or anything derogatory to your little girl, I’d get yourself out of the situation entirely. If your Fiance can’t do that… then you really have to evaluate your future.

Post # 12
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree that it’s needs to be your FI’s decision…otherwise he may end up resenting you for having to cut ties with his family. You have your child you’re watching out for, but think about his mother – she THINKS she’s doing the same (although she’s totally out of line and should never have said any of those things to you).

I think if he’s close to his family there’s going to be difficulty – eventually he may WANT to contact them and then where does that leave the two of you? I’d try to have him lay down the law with his mother and let her know that he doesn’t appreciate her comments to you. You should just not respond to her – let your Fiance handle it. She may try to bait you with nasty comments so you respond in kind and then she has “proof” of how “horrible” you are. Let your Fiance tell her he’s hurt by her comments to you…make it about him and her, not you and her.

Post # 14
4824 posts
Honey bee

I don’t think your decision is right or wrong. Its your decision and an important one to make. Its also a decision you both have to make, not just you and not just Fiance. You are a team. Also make sure you and Fiance have tried, together, to make everything right. Make sure Fiance has spoken to his mom and laid down ground rules and letting her know what the repercussions are if she doesnt follow them- the repercussions being you two stop all contact.

Give her a chance to decide her own fate.

I do think since you made the decision to cut them out, it is important that your Fiance is on the same page because its not OK for her to choose between you two once your Fiance madde his decision to be with you. If your Fiance were to maintain contact, it would be sending the message to his mom that her behavior and disrespect to his future child and wife is OK, and its not OK. If you two have another child would she only speak to your Fiance and that one child? How would that make your current child feel? Like she is not worthwhile possibly? That is not something you want her to feel or learn.

They say you choose your friends, but not your family. That is true, however, I do believe that if after reasonable attempts to create a harmonious family relationship is made and its not working you can decide wether or not you want them in your life.

You should have the choice to cut out toxic people in your life no matter where they come from. Toxic people spread into your general happiness and effect you and your relationships. Unfortunately this toxic person happens to be a Future Mother-In-Law.

Post # 16
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I don’t see why you can’t just stay away from her. You don’t have to talk to or deal with anyone you don’t want to deal with. He might be going along with this for your sake, but ultimately that’s his mother. He should be able to keep in touch with her. I don’t get along with my husband’s mom either, so I just don’t talk to her unless she wants to talk to our daughter or something.

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