Non-existent Bridesmaid

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@jcoojohn13:  >>>Since then, she hasn’t been involved in anything. I’ve made ALL of my decorations and have pretty much been my own wedding planner, coordinating the venue, photogrpaher, etc. I’ll text her pictures of the decorations and all I get back is that’s cute. <<<

You’re SUPPOSED to make all your own decoarations, be your own wedding planner (unless you hire one), coordinate your own venue, photographer, caterer and all of that. I don’t know what you want her to do about decorations, but I have a feeling that all that texting is getting on her nerves because it would me. It’s YOUR wedding. Do what you want to do and then tell me when to show up. If it’s cute, then she said it was. If it wasn’t, it’s still your wedding and who cares if she likes it? She’s not paying for it and you’d probably be pissed if she said “that’s ugly” anyway.

Post # 5
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@jcoojohn13:  I’d hate to be your bridesmaid if you expect me to be at your beck and call when I have a life outside of your wedding. But remember, you’re the one on here butt hurt because she’s virtually non existant. My wedding went off with no problems from my wedding party.

 

I made 2 calls to my Bridesmaids in the entire 5 months I was wedding planning. The first was what to wear, where to buy it and the cost.

 

The second was when the rehearsal dinner was, when to show up to the church the day of the wedding and thanks a lot.

 

They all had husbands and children and jobs and homes and other things to deal with where life consumes their time and MY wedding shouldn’t have been the end all/be all. I happen to be conscience of that because well, I’m all grown up too.

 

Post # 6
Member
7216 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like she is upset at your decision not to have her sons as ring bearers. I agree that she had no right to keep inserting people into your wedding, but mothers can be a bit irrational about their children sometimes. It’s not just “You haven’t chosen my sons to be in the wedding” but “You’ve chosen someone else’s son ahead of mine” which, in her mind, is much worse.

What you need to do now is meet up and talk to her. I suspect your reasons for choosing the other boy are good, e.g. the other boy’s the right age, or you don’t want to include one of her sons and not the other, or the other girl’s not a bridesmaid so this is how she participates. You need to talk to her and clear the air. And perhaps that means having a discussion about why her sons aren’t ring bearers, though it might be painful.

Post # 8
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Was she supposed to ride with you to the shower? What time did she hit the road? I kinda feel like you could have dropped your stuff off at DB and picked her up when her dad came to get her kids…but I’m just assuming that she was upset that you couldn’t wait for her. Maybe you can clarify that part of the post a little.

Maybe she felt snubbed by the fact that you didn’t want to use one of her boys for the ring bearer. She probably felt like it was only natural for her to offer her children since she’s your only BM. That could be why her husband withdrew from officiating. Whatever the issue there is, I just don’t get why she would act the loner at your shower…which is why I’m assuming that something happened the day of the shower that further upset her.

It’s your wedding and all, but you still have to be considerate of other people’s feelings. I’m not saying that you aren’t being a good friend, just that some of us who are in the middle of planning  the best day of our lives get a little self-centered with our one track minds. Check in with her and get to the bottom of it before you lose her as a friend.

Post # 10
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have to say I agree with DJones69 – bridesmaids stand up for you at your wedding.  That is the only expectation. It is often the case that they buy a dress of the bride & groom’s choosing and attend a rehearsal, but really their only tasks are to show up and stand up and love you. 

It sounds like you had very different expectations for this woman, probably due in part to her initial enthusiasm and seeming involvement. But, because there are people like DJones69 and me, your expectations should have been clearly laid out from the start. I also suspect, like paula1248 mentions, that she might have felt smarted when you made other arrangements  for ring bearers, perhaps even more so because she had to ask what your decison was rather than you letting her know once you had made up your mind. 

Her behavior regarding the shower sounds a bit petty, and I agree with boogiewoogies–definitely spend some time checking in with her to salvage your friendship! That’s ultimately what being a BM is all about. There may be all sorts of things going on in her life that you can support her through, and maybe she needs that from you right now. Maybe she just needs to have an opportunity to say out loud that she’s hurt you didn’t choose her sons to be in your bridal party; who knows until you talk to her? 

Post # 12
Member
2164 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@jcoojohn13:  I think her feelings are hurt. It doesn’t sound like you know what exactly hurt her, but definitely talk it out now before tensions and snubs start piling up. Good luck.

Post # 13
Member
4827 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

She’s obv super sensitive about her kids not being ring bearers. Boo hoo. Ask her if she wants to drop out.

Post # 14
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@jcoojohn13:  I’m not sure who told you that a Bridesmaid is supposed to do all that… but you can’t be more wrong.

Post # 16
Member
1917 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I had a non-existent bridesmaid! He stopped speaking to me entirely in the 3-4 months leading up to the wedding (I actually thought he was dead for a while there), never got himself measured for a suit, never RSVPed to the wedding, and didn’t show up to the wedding at all (didn’t even hear from him until a few weeks after the wedding).

It sucks that your friend isn’t be as helpful as you would have liked (and as helpful as you have been as a bridesmaid for other people), but a lot of people feel that bridesmaids get the dress picked by the bride and groom, come to the rehearsal, and do their part in the wedding on the day. Anything else they do is a bonus.

Sure, it sounds like she originally planned to help out more, and that has dropped off for whatever reason – it could be because you didn’t want her sons as ringbearers or her neice as a flowergirl, but it could also be because of other stressors affecting her in her life. I think the best bet would be to sit down with her and say something like “I’ve noticed you’ve kinda dropped off the radar for a bit lately. Is everything okay?”

Don’t pressure her to help out with the wedding unless she wants to – if she really is upset about your choices in wedding planning, then that will just aggravate her more, and if there’s something else wrong, then making your discussions all about your wedding rather than her wellbeing will just alienate her. Put the wedding aside and talk to her as a friend and see how things go.

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors