(Closed) Non-invited guest wanting to pay there way??

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
581 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I think is kind-of rude to let people pay you to attend the wedding. You should tell them that is not about the money, that you just want to keep it close. 

Post # 4
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I read “Miss Manners’ Guide to a Dignified Wedding” and she would say that you should communicate your faltery and say that you are having a small wedding. 

“Oh, how sweet of you! We’re just having a small wedding with family and long-time friends. Thank you though” 

(Get the book, she explains it in a way more gracious way than I just attempted).

And YES – that is weird (and rude actually!)

 

Post # 5
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

we had someone ask if she could pay for her bf of a few months, and we said no. our wedding was 95 people, which was small for us and it was hard to cut down the guest list. we had to tell a lot of family members that they weren’t going to be invited, along with friends. for us it wasn’t all about the money, it was the fact that we wanted to be surrounded by our nearest and dearest, and if we had the option to add on guests (which we didn’t) we would have added people that we actually care about.

 

 

Post # 6
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Oh man, this is 85 disasters rolled into one. Don’t do it! It’s hard enough to get friends to pay up when they owe you money for normal stuff. Can you imagine how awkward it will be a month after the wedding and you have to call them up and explain that you are still waiting on that check for their dinner at your wedding?!?! And how would you even decide what to “charge” them for? Do they pay for just dinner, or their invite, chair cover, favor, and slice of cake? At our wedding the total amount per guest added up to a LOT of money. Even if you could decide what to charge, you just know they will be sitting there doing the math, thinking $50 per person times 85 people is $4,000! They spent too much/not enough on this wedding! Um…awkward…

Post # 7
Hostess
16217 posts
Honey Beekeeper

It isn’t always just about the money—it’s often about space as well (although the two go hand-in-hand). It’s weird, and I agree with snmcdowell that it’s not really appropriate.

Post # 8
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

We’ve had family members try to add more people to the guest list, with the added offer “we’ll pay for them”.  Although we are trying to keep costs down, we’re trying to keep our wedding as small as possible because we want it to be personal.  If we invite his grandfather’s business associates that we don’t know, why did I just tell my mom we can’t invite their neighbours that invite us to parties and we’ve known for years?

If you make some exceptions (especially by in a roundabout way saying it’s just about money) then you will have to make a lot more and your wedding will swell!  I agree with the etiquette comment by neontl.

Post # 9
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

also, when you’re paying for people to come to your wedding, you’re paying for way more than their dinner. you have the cake, favor, decor if you have to add another table for them, escort card and invite. it all adds up quick! so even if it is just about the money, i’d still say no.

Post # 10
Member
2532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I have never heard of this and I think it’s really rude and weird~!!! WHy would someone even want to go to a wedding that they were not invited to….especially since they are not close friends/family! Very bizarre!

Post # 11
Member
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

I think that’s really strange that they would ask that! I would definitely tell them no! Just explain that you want to keep it small and you don’t really have room for any extra people.

Post # 12
Member
7307 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Weird and rude.

Post # 13
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think that is rude. Besides, it isn’t just about the plate cost, the facility may charge more, too, if you go over a certain head count.

since they are obviously “blunt”, i think I would just say “we really appreciate that you want to share our day with us, but unfortunately, we have a very set limit as to how many we can have”. End of discussion.

Honestly, you really don’t owe them any kind of explanation. 

I hate rude people!

 

Post # 14
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow.  Awkward.

It was rude to ask.  I would just tell them it’s not about the budget, it’s about keeping it small, and you have FAMILY that’s not coming, so you think it would be inappropriate to include whoever is asking.

Post # 15
Member
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

That’s so rude! I agree with the pp’s. Just explain you don’t even have some of your family going because it’s so small.

Post # 16
Member
1816 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

That is really weird.  I would tell them that it is not about the money, but about the physical space that the wedding is taking place in.  No amount of money can fix that.

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