Post # 1
So today we went over the last details of our wedding, which will be in less than a month. I am not really religious, but my a parents are Christian and i believe in God, but not associated to a reliogion. My fiancé is also not really religious, but his parents are sorta Jewish. With sorta I mean they don’t celebrate Hanukkah (celebrate on christmas), dont follow any rules and my fiancé only had a bar mitzvah because he had the opportunity to go to Israel for free in college. So anyway: at the meeting today the FMIL all of a sudden decided that there is no pork at the wedding, which is sureprising, but still fine with me. What bothers me more is that his parents now think he should wear a Yarmulke (those little hats) and that they should be handed out at the wedding. This totally bothers me, we hired a non faith minister for a reason, because we are NOT religious (more spiritual) and now the parents want us to do that! I am also not insisting on a Christian tradition, his mom even started with incorpoRating the breaking of the bread. Why do they want to push us to do that if they themselves don’t even follow all these rules. I know that my family would feel really uncomfortable with that, and so do I! When I tell my fiancé he just answers: we’ll talk about it! Like when?!?! It is three weeks before!!! So I guess my question is: am I wrong for refusing that? I just don’t get why this is important now, and I reaaaaally don’t want this on our wedding pics!
Post # 3
Some people are suddenly relgious when it comes to stuff like weddings and funnerals, I would just tell them, “we are having the wedding ceremony we want to have, we appreciate your input but that is not something we want at our wedding, and especially not this last minute”. I’m not super up on Jewish tradition but if you aren’t in a synagogue or having a rabbi do your ceremony why would you wear the yarmukle anyway??
Post # 4
@Ilovetruffels: Sounds like some more religious relatives criticized them.
Post # 5
To chasegirl: yeah, that was exactly what I was thinking! In the sense of”Just to make sure: make it religious!” No, it is not in a synagogue and not performed by a rabbi, but we do have a Canapea, which looks somewhat like a Chuppah, so his father conculded :”Well then you have to have Yarmulke’s!” But honestly, we picked it as a canapea with flowers on it, because it looks great in that location (overlooking the water) and not because of a religion. I am sure it would be even actually offending traditional Jews, if they had Yarmulke’s and the traditions but a wedding performed by a free ordained minister (and also the little point that I am NOT jewish). But thanks a lot for your input:)
To NYCSA: I don’t think there are actually any strictly religious members in this family, and even if they were: I have never met them, so they must be very distant family members ;)and it is MY wedding and I am not compromising anymore, especially for people I don’t know or care about! In fact most of the wedding party consists of friends, Co-workers with different religions and family members. I really don’t think that is the reason, it seems to be a “demonstrating power” thing. But I will definetly not compromise anymore. Thanks for your answer though!
Post # 6
If you don’t want to do it, then don’t do it. They will get over it. And if, for some crazy reason, they can’t – at least you will have stood up for you and your FI as a family unit! That’s mostly what weddings are about, anyway – a transition into a new family unit that needs to be respected by the others!
So much of the stuff your MIL wants you to do is actually a secular part of Judaism. My husband is Jewish by relation, though we are both athiests. We did the stomping of the glass, had a chuppah, and danced the Horah. We did it because it was fun/beautiful, and because it’s “tradition” – not because it was religious! Maybe she just wants some recognizable traditional elements in the wedding? Either way, do what you want!
Post # 7
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@nycsa: <—- Absolutely this.
You and your FH need to sit down and figure out what you can agree with and what you can’t. Does he even want to wear a yarmulke? If he does, is it really a big deal for you to have him wear it? As far as providing yarmulke’s for the guests, if it’s not a Jewish ceremony or in a temple I don’t see the need but if your MIL wants to provide them in a basket somewhere for the guests that might want them then is that going to be a problem? On to the breaking of the bread. I believe that involves a prayer which I wouldn’t find odd at a nonsecular wedding so long as it’s short. Ask some of the guests that you think would be uncomfortable to find out, you might be surprised.
But honestly, you have every right to put your foot down and say no to all of it but you and your FH have to be on the same page and provide a united front to his parents about it and then tell them the conversation is over and the topic is off limits for further discussion.
Post # 8
@ Crayfish: Well, there you see that I don’t really know much about the tradition;) But secular or not: the point was that we already decided beforehand (with the minister) that we wouldn’t do that. I jst didn’t like how they-all of a sudden- has the need for these traditions even though they know that I am not jewish and never even asked me what I think about that! Thank you for your reply:)
@ Beachbride: WE have talked about it, he doesn’t want to wear one, but I guess he also wouldn’t mind it. However, I already discussed it with him and told him that I don’t want it for the reasons above (the whole ceremony is not religious) and he agreed. I don’t think that anyone would be “offended” just uncomfortable, my family is not from this country and I am sure they would have no clue about all these traditions and would be quite confused:) I agree with putting my foot down, but problem is that they paid a lot of money for this wedding (although we paid for the “Chuppah”;)) Thanks for your answer!
Post # 9
Religious Jews are required to wear a yarmulke at all times and usually they are handed out at events like weddings because some people who do not wear them all the time still wear them at special life moments like weddings. Would you be ok with them being available for those who want them (I’m thinking, having a basket of them somewhere where people can go pick one up)?
Post # 10
Yeah – we are also catholic and jewish but have decided to have a NON-RELIGIOUS wedding. If you are paying for it – they it really doesn’t matter what they think. You’re soon-to-be husband needs to put his foot down. If his parents could make him wear a little hat just for the sake of impressing old aunts think of what else the parents might have influence over in the future. Babies????
It is YOUR wedding – be strong!!!!!
Post # 11
@gstang: Yes, this.
If they really wanted all these things, the time to mention it was months ago, not suddenly right before the ceremony.
I don’t even really like the idea of having a basket of yarmulkes nearby, it will confuse guests and make them wonder if they need to wear them, what do they mean, etc. It sends a mixed message.
Perhaps you can explain, in the nicest way possible, that you made all thee decisions months ago and can’t change things now.
Post # 12
Hmm. My SO is also Jewish. He had is bar mitzvah also but is not very religious. His mother was catholic but converted to marry his father and she still puts up a christmas tree every year. Yes he celebrates Hanukkah, Passover, and the rest, but he doesn’t go to synogogue or anything like that and by no means will he be wearing a yamaka at our wedding.
Why don’t you talk to him about it? It is his wedding, not his mothers. She can give suggestions, but it is up to him to decide what he wants to do.