Non-responsive BM, how to give a way out

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@pocketfox:  Call or email her and say something like:

Hey Flakey, its me. MOH and I have been trying to get in touch with you about ordering the BM’s dresses. I hate to be a pest but I will be placing the order by (date). If I don’t hear from you by then, I will assume that being part of the bridal party isn’t possible for you anymore. I still want you to stand up with me but want you to know I totally understand if you can’t. hope everything is okay and that we’ll talk soon.”

Post # 4
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

@Zhabeego:  +1 that’s all You have to say. Now the ball is in her court. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@pocketfox:  I had the exact same thing happen with one of my HS friends. The way I handled it was by giving her a phone call and asking her, in a non-confrontational way, “Do you think you might have too much going on right now to be able to be in my wedding?” I went on to say that I couldn’t imagine having 2 kids, school, blah blah, and also making time for the wedding. And that if she needed to step down, I totally understood.

I could hear in her voice that she was shocked and a little hurt that I was implying that she shouldn’t be in the wedding anymore, but once those emotions subsided, she agree that it probably wasn’t a good time for her to make that kind of commitment. After a couple of awkward days passed, we continued being friends like normal. And now… if anyone asks her, she says “she” decided to step down because of so many things going on. I love that she saves face by saying that it was her idea (even though it totally wasn’t). 🙂

Hope it all works out for you!

Post # 7
Member
6048 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I would call her.  Call a few times.  I would say along the lines of .. .things for the wedding are coming up and it’s going to start getting busy.  Do you still want to be a BM or would you have more fun or a better time being a guest or a reader at the wedding? 

If you don’t get her or a return phone call, then I’d email her.  That way you did all you could to reach out to her.  If you just send her an email demoting her, the friendship would be pretty much over. 

Post # 9
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Have you tried reaching out to her in a way that isn’t about the wedding? Maybe she’s being flaky or intentionally distant. Always good possibilities. But there could be something going on with her. I think that is where I would start. Is she okay? What’s going on in her life? Anything you can help with? If you still get absolutely nowhere, then PP’s suggestion re. this is the date we are ordering dresses, etc. will probably be the best way to go about things.

 

Post # 10
Member
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would definitely speak to her- the sooner the better.

A non confrontational approach is best and perhaps let her know that if the wedding is too much for her, that you are ok with her stepping down.

It is so important to get this straightened out because the further this goes on, the more difficult things will be. 

 

Post # 13
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@pocketfox:  I would be honest with your bridal party and say that due to the unresponsiveness of the other BM, that the bridal party is now down to three.  You don’t need to go into a detailed explanation, but if they ask, I would be honest with them.  It’s not your fault she hasn’t responded, so I’m sure your bridal party won’t think it’s you being a bridezilla of any sort.  Also in the email, I would reiterate how much their support and having them in your bridal party means to you.

It will be fine, I’m sure.  I kind of wish I threw out a bridesmaid before my wedding, so I give you kudos for actually doing it.  Now I’m stuck with her and her family in my wedding photos, and it doesn’t exactly evoke great memories for me (long story, I won’t get into it).

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