Post # 1
My Mom wants to throw a pre-wedding gathering for some of her friends and family friends. Some of the people are invited to the wedding and others are not. Those not invited include my Mom’s friends from her community that I do not have a relationship with, adult children (older than me) of my Mom’s best friend who is invited, and cousins who I have a relationship with but did not expect a wedding invitation (i.e. I was not invited to their children’s bar mitzvah). Basicly, all of these people understand not getting a wedding invitation.
My Mom wants to throw a “Meet the bride and Groom” type of gathering when I come into town and invite all of these people. It is a shower-esque type of gathering, but we would not call it a shower as we do not want to encourage presents and completely break the rule of inviting people to a shower who are not invited to a wedding.
Does anyone have any thoughts on this type of gathering? Is it completely against etiquette? What would you call this type of get together? Should we do it at all?
Post # 3
Opinions, anyone!!!??? Should I discourage my Mom from doing it at all?
Post # 4
I think you should wait until after the wedding and perhaps another time when the two of you are in town.
Post # 5
I agree that after the wedding is a better idea. That way people are very clear on the fact that they were not invited to the wedding and they will not feel obligated to give a present.
Post # 6
I agree with @oracle. How awkward for you and your FI to be in this situation. I would feel very odd/bad if one of those people who are not invited brings a gift for you. Yikes, how do you respond to that?
Post # 7
If possible, I’d also postpone the party till after the wedding. It places too much emphasis on those not invited. After the wedding, the party can be about “Meet Mr. and Mrs. Steak” instead of “Bride and Groom.”
Post # 8
This gathering would happen a month before the wedding. Most of the people not invited are related to someone who is invited (usually their parents are invited but they aren’t)… so they’ll know by the time of the gathering that they aren’t invited to the wedding.
But… I think you are all right. Waiting till afterwards would be better. Then we could show off pictures (is that okay?). But, I’m not sure at this point whether I’ll be heading to my Mom’s anytime soon post wedding… hence wanting to do something when I will be down there.
Post # 9
Does mom view this as merely a celebration of your engagement or more of a “bring my daughter gifts” kind of deal? I think it would be a little less tacky if it were called an engagement party and if the invitations made it clear that gifts are not expected. If it doesn’t appear like you are just wanting to get showered with gifts, who wouldn’t want to be invited to a fun party to celebrate the great news?
During conversations, you could also casually drop in statements that explain that you are having a small wedding or how tiny the venue is going to be. This might help avoid hurt feelings if your mom’s great-aunt’s daughter-in-law (or any other random relative or family friend!) doesn’t get an invite. I have a huge family and lots of business contacts; there’s just no way we could ever afford to invite hundreds upon hundreds to our wedding. So we plan to celebrate with other parties, making it clear that we don’t expect anything except to have a good time celebrating our engagement/marriage.
Post # 10
My sister recently had a pre-wedding, non-shower (she didn’t want gifts) and it was an all-round debaucle. Definitely wait until after the wedding.