Non traditional girl and a traditional guy…

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
6604 posts
Bee Keeper

I went with FI to look at rings and gave him a few options for ring settings. I left the details of the stone to him. That way he still got choosing power, and I still got a surprise.

He probably was picturing picking out the ring himself. I don’t think you were wrong. Don’t pressure him; I’m sure he’ll come around. 

Post # 3
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2014

We  picked it out  together and both love  it. 

Post # 4
Member
9949 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I showed my boyfriend-at-the-time a ton of pictures of things I liked, and then left it alone.  He picked something amazing, and based it on the pictures.  

You can’t force your boyfriend to pick a ring with you. 

Post # 5
Member
6499 posts
Bee Keeper

Skribblydee:  I feel you. Initially, I wanted to take my mom’s diamond and set it but SO was against that — in his mind, he always envisioned getting me the whole thing himsef, stone included. Since I wasn’t set on taking my mom’s (she’s my best friend and I love her, but I don’t need to wear her diamond as my own and will likely put it into a set of earrings eventually), I allowed him to get me a brand new ring.

As for styles, I made it pretty clear to him that I wanted a simple solitaire and fortunately, that was what he wanted me to have too. I’m honestly not sure how things would have played out if I wanted something that he didn’t like at all. I’m sure he would have eventually gotten me whatever I wanted, but I’m sure I would be able to sense some sadness from him.

I think you should allow him to have just enough “say” in it that he feels like the whole process hasn’t been taken out of his hands. Let him pick out the stone, let him go make the actual purchase by himself, let him alone be there when they wrap it up, etc. That doesn’t mean that you can’t suggest the shape of stone or setting you prefer (or that the two of you can’t go try some on before he goes back to make the final purchase), but it just means to give him some leeway.

Post # 6
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon

Skribblydee:  No, you are not awful!! This sounds so much like what I went through with my FI, except that he did come around to my way of thinking realitively quickly.  We picked my ring together.  He loves my style and realized that he didn’t have a good enough understanding of it to choose a ring I would adore.  I did give him final decision in the store, between the one we got and two others.

A lot of guys feel like they are “supposed to” do this and that and so many other things.  The proposal is so stressful on them.  Maybe talk to him about taking some stress off of him about it?  He won’t have to worry if you don’t like the ring.  Show him all the posts on here of ladies who were surprised by their ring and hated it, and the fights it caused.

How do you feel about a different gemstone? If he’s frugal, show him some beautiful pictures of gems besides diamonds and see if he wants to get a high quality, non diamond stone for a lot less money.

Post # 7
Member
1377 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Skribblydee:  I hinted to FI that I liked white gold and white metals, and that was about it. What he picked out was fantastic! But I did know that he has weirdly great taste, and I knew that he would find something I would have never thought of. If your boyfriend/soon to be FI doesn’t have the greatest of taste, there’s nothing wrong with pointing out things you like, sending a couple pictures, that sort of thing just to be very clear on what is a good idea vs a bad idea.

Now, with that – you do seem pretty focused on the ring. Perhaps that’s putting him off a bit? It sounds like he wanted it to be a surprise, and that he would get a say too, so maybe he’s reconciling what he ‘wanted’ out of it with what you ‘want’, to find a middle ground that he’s more comfortable on. How direct were you in telling him that you wanted to pick it out? Was it potentially too direct, and now he’s feeling a bit more insecure than he was to begin with? As far as the frugality goes – can he comfortably afford what you want, or will it be stretching things thin? 

Remember that the ring isn’t just a piece of jewelry – it’s meant to symbolize the love, passion, and devotion between the two of you (just like his ring will). Like PP said – allow a little leeway for him. He’s paying for it, so he does deserve a little bit of a say at least.  It sounds like he’s putting more importance on sentimental value than monetary value, so it might matter to him on whether his opinion gets accounted for in the purchase – which may be missing if he has no say on the ring. 

Post # 9
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Skribblydee:  I can relate to this. My FI is a dirty fisherman. He doesn’t give a crap what he looks like, so I worried about his taste when it can to buying me an e-ring. But, he surprised the hell outta me. I had mentioned “casually” that I was partial to the princess cut. And I then, the cutest thing happened. He started researching and learning. It started out as looking for a deal, and ended with him realizing the huge differences in different qualities and price.

I also knew that he is very into tradition, and since its his money he’s spending, he’d definitely want the final say. To him, this is an expression of his love and the time and effort (and $$$) he put into this, is just as important as the ring itself.

Have some faith in the man you plan to marry. You’ve given him your preferences many times over, so trust him to know you well enough, and that he’s listening. Let him have this so that he can be proud of making you so happy all on his own. Some men need that.

FWIW, a good friend if ours has just put a deposit on an e-ring. She tried sending him 40billion links and pics and specs, and he finally flipped. After a while, they start to look the same. I think that what he chose for her (I only know because he used the same jeweler as FI), is an absolute perfect blend of all of her wishes, and I know she’ll just be beyond stoked to marry him. 

Post # 10
Member
481 posts
Helper bee

Skribblydee:  I wish you could show him the two threads I recently started! My partner bought a ring without my input, and it was waaaaaaaaaay more expensive than I’m comfortable with, and white gold when I dislike any white metal. Learn from my mistake! I really feel you on not wanting to spend money on something you could regret – I’m in that boat right now. I’ve heard of lots of other women in this situation. If there’s any way you can go shopping together, do!!

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