Post # 1
FH and I are getting married in the islands with only our parents and siblings. FMIL is throwing us an engagement party at home, and my parents are hosting a champagne brunch about a month after the island wedding. we are trying to do this low-key, as we are not people who care a great deal about fanfare. The issue is the registry… we already live together, and travel often, so we don’t need home products and a honeymoon registry (while i really like the idea) is not practical for us. What we really need is money for our down payment on a condo… Does anyone know any websites that help you set this up? Has anyone done it? Is it considered rude? How would i tell people about (especially, the older crowd) without seeming greedy or tacky?
Post # 3
I think traditionally, it is rude to ask specifically for money. And I really have never heard of any websites that act as a money registery. If it were me in your situation, I just wouldn’t create a registery. To me, it seems that people would use common sense and recognize your situation (living together, established, etc) and realize that you don’t need extra “stuff”…just money. Honestly, if I were attending your wedding, I would give money just because of the circumstances, but I would be put off by donating to a cash/money registery. I would rather include it in a card….now, all this goes out the window if asking for money rather than gifts is acceptable in your culture. If it is, then go for it! 🙂
Post # 4
thanks, dragonfly, i totally understand your perspective. our feeling is that, by having a smaller, more understated wedding, we can save some money… we always say “you can’t live in a wedding, but you can live in a house.” i’m not having bridesmaids or even a shower… i just keep thinking about all the times i’ve been a bridesmaid, and the brides have put me through the ringer – one even demanding on the morning of the wedding that i flew in from out of town for – that i wear a different dress to the wedding because she thought mine was too light in color… not to get off topic, but my point is only that because i am not a demanding bride, and my fiance is similarly modest and low-key, don’t we have that one right? to ask for money, not stuff? and if we decide to do it, how do we tell people? our fear is that if we don’t register at all, we will end up with crap that we can’t take back!
Post # 5
- Wedding: March 2010 - Ritz-Carlton, Half Moon Bay
i think most people would give you money if you don’t have a registry–i found this msn article that seemed helpful about how to go about letting people know that you would prefer money. basically it says not to ask for it outright, but to have family and close friends spread the word.
Post # 6
Post # 7
@misspug – what a great article! thanks so much!
@MIss Seaman – fabulous!
everyone on this site is so helpful!!
Post # 8
Asking for any type of cash is rude, period. It is also rude to register for gifts you don’t want or need so you can return them for cash. Simply because the guests in question are spending their hard earned money that they don’t have to spend (and that in the current economy may have been spent on something they needed but they decided they wanted to get you something for your wedding) and they are being screwed over without knowing it because you have no respect for their honest intentions.
If you don’t want or need household items, don’t register. Never automatically assume you will receive cash if you don’t register. People by nature buy wedding gifts and a registry simply tells them what you want and need. If you don’t register, you will end up with a ton of gifts you don’t want and are unable to return anywhere.
Post # 9
- Wedding: December 2010 - Al Cielo / La Laguna
I would do a small traditional registry at BB&B because you can return everything there for cash.
Post # 10
If you don’t register, people will get the hint.
Post # 11
@Ember78 wow… please relax… no one is getting “screwed over”. we are trying to figure out the best way to do this… we are not trying to strip people of their “hard earned money”. in fact, people always have the option of not giving us a gift. no one is mandating that they do. i am sorry if my post upset you. we are just trying to figure out the best way to get what we need from people who choose to give us gifts.
Post # 12
There is no tactful way to ask for cash. If someone decides to give it to you, great. But don’t place all your eggs in one basket and expect that everyone or even half your guestlist will give you money because many people do not. But countless people in this day and age insist that “proper manners” that the older generations clutch their pearls at with good reason is completely outdated and should not be followed at all and will do their own thing no matter what. In the end, you have to make the decision and if your guests go with it or are offended, then that’s what happens.
Post # 13
@Ember – I don’t think mrsjason is “expecting” anyone to do anything. She’s asking for advice on a sticky situation. Your tone is really aggressive, maybe you should focus more on constructive criticism to help mrsjason rather than lecturing her.
@Mrsjason – I think the best thing to do would be to not register, and maybe let your parents, siblings, and in-laws know that if anyone asks what you’d like or where you’re registered that you’re saving up for a downpayment for a house. Word of mouth may work best for you in this situation.
Post # 14
We are an older couple in a very similar situation. We certainly don’t NEED cash, but it would be appreciated. However, we know that some of our friends and families will want to give wrapped gifts, so we are doing a small REI registry, and just hoping that people will either understand that we are happy NOT getting gifts, or that if they WANT to do a gift, we’d prefer cash. No doubt we’ll get some gifts that we never would have wanted, but we are just going to chalk it up to the quirkiness of life…who knows, maybe we’ll even get some odd thing that we love.
I personally would be uncomfortable registering for cash (I’m not even comfortable with a honeymoon registry), but I am hoping our friends will “get it” that cash would be the most useful.
Post # 15
Really, it never matters – folks will give you want they want. We went with a traditional registry; I kept it to much needed items since we already lived together and didn’t need much. Much of it was purchase, and many also gave us checks or cash (a few gift cards, which I’d have prefer a check since we are depositing it, but now we’ll have to spend $300 of our gift money). And a few didn’t get us anything at all (super classy).
Post # 16
If you are planning to go on a honeymoon, make a honeymoon registry somewhere like honeyfund.com. Then use your already-saved honeymoon money for the downpayment 🙂
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with registering for a honeymoon or downpayment, if that’s what you want. According to Ember, you’re just supposed to take that blender and like it, because asking for cash is wrong and so is returning gifts?. That seems ridiculous. If people in my family or friend group were offended by my registering for a honeymoon (It’s a thing! A thing we want!) I would think THEY were rude to completely ignore my wishes. It’s not like you’re shaking them down – they’re perfectly free to not get you anything.
So I guess what I’m saying is, go for it!