- 4 years ago
- Wedding: May 2014
I have been struggling for years to find normal. Just a little background.
My father who is 85, has been a recovering alcholic for almost 30 years now. He got sober after an incident that happened with me when I was 12. Now, I have no memory of this incident, I just know that in the years that have followed…..I have had to deal with my own struggles with addiction.
I am a recovering meth addict, I have almost 10 years clean. A true struggle at times, but on the other hand a miracle that I have come as far as I have. I don’t miss the life I used to have, and still my very worst day clean beats the hell out of my very best day high.
While in treatment, I read something about normal. I don’t recall exactly what is pertained to, but I know that 10 years later, I still seek normal.
Which brings me to my little brother, who I miss terribly.
He is 37, and has been addicted since he was 17……so 20 years. The struggle that this man has seen in his life it one that I cannot put into words. He has been to prison twice, both drug felonies. He is married to a woman who also uses heavily. They BOTH are abusive, and they and her children live in squander. They have both tried to kill the other, by whatever means are at their disposal, luckily neither has yet to succeed. Her oldest daughter died 3 years ago, from a siezure. And my mother died, the last time my brother was in prison.
When I got clean for the last time, so did my brother. I made it, he did not.
Now they are homeless, and still have a minor child in thier custody. They are making the rounds through my family and hers, trying to get anything they can con from us.
And I am angry. I know the depths of hell with addiction, but nonetheless, I AM ANGRY!!! I have never in all of my days had a normal family. Now I sit by helplessly and watch as my father sobs over his only son who is nothing more than a homeless drug addict. I watch the repeated trys and failures of my father as he continues to try to save my brother, only to be met each time with a more bitter failure than the last.
My brother checked himself into the mental hospital a few days ago. While I don’t dispute that there is definitely some mental issues, he continues to neglect the fact that his addiction is driving the car here, and it is out of control. At last I knew he was back out of the mental ward, and on the streets……making his rounds, and yes that means my home too. Now she is in the mental hospital, and again…….I don’t see that mental illness as the primary factor in their lives.
Sometimes I feel like I am the one who is crazy…..
I hate watching this. What my recovery has taught me is YOU CANNOT STOP TIME. Life continues to go on despite how each of us spends our time. I know that my father doesn’t have much time left here on the earth, and sometimes I feel like it is just too damn much to ask for this man to have his last days be those of happiness, especially for my brother.
So I ask you. What is normal?? Does it exist??