- 10 years ago
- Wedding: June 2008
More venting than a question, really. 🙂 And quite long! I just feel like I need to talk about it with other brides! 🙂
Is it not extremely bad manners to ask detailed budget questions (i.e., how much are you spending on X? Wow, your dress cost Y? What’s your overall budget? How much have you spent so far? Are you parents helping you? How much are your parents contributing?)?
My dear bridesmaid, as much as I love her, will not stop asking these questions – and wants specific, dollar-for-dollar answers! We are close, but even close friends do not discuss dollar-for-dollar amounts about, say, salary or raises. There’s a big difference between the intention of comments like: "check it out; I just got these designer jeans for $17!" and "so how much are you making this year?" One, you’re sharing the excitement of a find and anticipating helping the other person save some money. The other is, well, nosy.
My fiance and I are extremely frugal and have become even more so to ensure we will be able to pay for this wedding without a problem. I’m also a huge bargain hunter. Even so, my BM is even more frugal; she can’t believe I’d shop at the sales rack at, say, Nordstrom’s because it’s "so expensive" and hawks at me for spending, say, $70 on a new winter coat I wore for six years (told you I was a bargain hunter). It’s caused tension between us before the wedding even came about because we’re on different wavelengths. For example, if I suggest we try out a new restaurant in town that’s getting rave reviews but the entrees are $20 a piece, she’ll insist we go to, say, Applebee’s and spend $15 a piece instead. I’d rather spend the $5 and get a great meal than a mediocore meal!!
(Not knocking Applebee’s; just saying!).
Now that the wedding is in action, she asks what I feel are really rude questions. On top of that, if I indicate any sort of response about them, she’ll act extremely judgmental about our decision-making. We wanted a band instead of a D.J.- it cost more. She can’t understand why we’d do that – and says so. It comes across as extremely judgmental and, frankly, it’s making me feel insecure. I’m starting to wonder, gee, am I really a selfish, bad person for spending this on a party? What does this mean about my character? Do I really just have too expensive taste and I need to calm down? Am I really a snob?
I would understand the detailed, item-by-item questions about spending if she were a married bride who had been through the wedding planning ringer and could make suggestions about where to save. Or if she were planning on getting married herself and wanted to have some ideas from a bride further along in the process. She is, however, neither. And the way the questions are phrased, even if I deflect them with as much decorum as possible, and how they are followed with even more prying questions, really comes across as being a) nosy and b) judgmental.
On top of all this, we’ve been trying to go BM dress shopping and she’s absolutely shocked we can’t find a dress under $50. I was hoping to find something around $100, but now that she’s voiced this, I feel guilty for thinking $100 was affordable. Now I’d like to offer to pay for the dress as a present, but then I’d feel like I should pay for all the girls (which I, frankly, can’t afford to do). I know, however, that she could afford it, especially since she’s planning on wearing it to another wedding as a guest (I’m leaning toward black or dark blue dresses so they’re wearable) two months later, and then again to another party she has a month after that.
Should I find a $100 dress and buy it for her to avoid making her spend more than she feels reasonable? Should I rack my brain to dig up a $50 dress I don’t hate (only one I’ve seen is fuschia taffeta)? Is this just an instance of different values? Or am I really just a snob underneath who needs to get over herself?
Lessons learned: Wedding are just one place in life where people think they have the right to ignore ettiquette entirely. The next questions will attempt to get detailed information about exactly when we plan on making and having babies. 🙂