Post # 1
I’ll try to make a long story short
My friend and I have been friends since high school. We were best friends for the longest time, until fall last year. We had a giant fight which we have yet to really sit down and resolve. We are getting together next week for the first time to hash out our feelings and work through everything. I value her friendship and I want us to continue to be friends. I know our friendship has certainly changed, and I accept that.
Because of our huge falling out, I have not asked her to be one of my bridesmaids. Our falling out was largely due to her immaturity and refusal to talk about the problem when it was happening. I feel very disrespected by her. Does it make me sad that she won’t be standing next to me when I get married? Yes, because I alway imagined she would be. Can I see her standing next to me now that we’ve grown so far apart and she’s disrespected me so badly? No. Not at all.
So we’re meeting for lunch next week to talk through our problems. I still intend to invite her to the wedding – pending that we actually reconcile our problems. She texted me today and flat out said “So I’m guessing you don’t want to talk about me not being in your wedding?” To which I told her it would be a more approriate conversation to have over lunch.
Bees, how do I let this girl down easy? I want to salvage our friendship. I’m not changing my mind, she’s not going to be in my wedding. I will invite her though. I’m afraid that she’s going to be so mad that she’s not in the wedding that this will end our friendship. I know what you’re thinking – if she’s willing to end a friendship over this than maybe she’s not a good friend. And I’m afraid you’re right.
So … how do I explain to her why she’s not a bridesmaid? How do I defend myself? How do I remind her that my wedding is not about her? I don’t feel like anyone should assume they’re in the wedding, much less ask why they have not been asked to be a bridesmaid! I’m frustrated because I do not like drama, especially drama surrounding me and FI’s big day.
How would you Bees handle this situation?
Post # 3
@pinkrose23: Tell her that you were hurt after your fight and didn’t think that you would resolve your differences. You moved on and picked other people. Its your wedding, you get to make that decision. If she can’t accept that, I wonder if its worth salvaging the friendship.
Post # 4
@pinkrose23: I guess my questions is, what did this friend of yours do that was so very awful and horrendous? It seems like she’s an important person, you’ve always pictured her being in your wedding, she seems just as invested…I wonder if your decision regarding whether or not to ask her to be an attendant isn’t somethin better decided AFTER the two of you have this discussion.
Post # 5
well my dear, this is a tough one. Weirdly enough, i am going through the same thing.
Unfortunately, if she dont understand the situation and decides not to come to the wedding because she isnt in your party, that should be a deciding factor for you. But dont make any decisions yet, sleep on your discussion with her when you meet. THink about it and decide after. Everyone makes mistakes and regrets things they do and if you feel you can move forward, than maybe you will want her there with you.
Just remember everything happens for a reason and do things with ration.
Post # 6
Not trying to minimize what the fight was about, or your hurt feelings, but friends fight all the time. It sounds like the two of you value each other’s friendship enough to resolve it and hopefully move on. Just keep this in mind…..you only get married once. Assuming you two work it out, will you look back and think to yourself, wow I was being silly, she should have been a bridesmaid?
Did you previously ask her to be a bridesmaid before the fight? I ask because if you didn’t then I’m not entirely sure why you have to tell her she can’t be a bridesmaid. It sounds like that conversation would complicate what your original fight in the first place. Personally, I would meet with the girl, talk stuff out, and not bring up the wedding.
I guess what I am saying is go into it with an open mind and not plan to bring up the wedding at all. If push comes to shove and you have to have the conversation with her at some point then just say “Jane, we were in the midst of a terrible fight. I wasn’t sure what happened to our friendship and I had to move forward with the plans. It was a very difficult decision.”
Post # 7
Thanks for the input thus far!
We had our fight back in October. I’ve let the dust settle a lot since then. FI and I got engaged in December and by that point I had already accepted the fact that our friendship was over. When she found out that I got engaged is when she came out of the woodwork again and since she showed a little initiate, I decided it might be worth while to talk with her and fix things. So my decision to not include her in the birdal party was definitely made with a level head. Even if we have the most amazing talk next week and everything goes back to normal, I still don’t see myself asking her to be in my wedding. She was just downright disrespectful and still has yet to utter the words “I’m sorry” and doesn’t see why any problems.
The thing is, her behavior towards me that began the fight is not new for her. Granted this was our first fight, she had never displayed this side of her towards me before. But I’ve seen this bad side of her come out plenty of times towards her other friends and loved ones. With this in mind, all I can think is that it’s a matter of time before it happens again. She has always had a flare for drama since I’ve known her, and I just don’t want that vibe close to me during the wedding or the planning process. And on a side note, none of the birdemaids particularly like her, so there’s that added stress too. It’s just not a good idea.
Post # 8
@weddingnerd: Thanks for the feedback, especially the last response I could give to her regarding why she’s not a bridesmaid. Regarding one of your questions: I never told her she would be a bridemaid. This fight happened before I was ever engaged. I guess she just always assumed, as did I, that she would be in the wedding.