Post # 1
I am a regular poster who is going anon for this post. I am getting married in a few months and my FI whom I have never cheated on, nor ever gave a reason not to trust me, will not allow me to have a bachelorette party. We are allowed to do a joint party, but I am “not allowed” to have my own party. We are all out of our 20’s, so a bachelorette party would probably consist of going to dinner and possibly a bar, but nothing crazy. I even said we could do a spa day. My FI said no, that he didn’t trust it because the other girls are single and he knows how bachelorette parties get. He’s never done anything else to try to control me, but this makes me a little weary. Is this a red flag or has anyone else been in my boat or not allowed their FI to have one?
Post # 3
@anonanon123: Hmmm, this sounds like some serious trust issues on his end. I could see if you were insistent on having a “traditional” bachelorette with drinking, strip clubs, that whole scene, but if you guys went for a spa day? You need to sit down and chat with him and tell him that this time with your girls is important. If he can’t trust that you are really going to go to a day spa and not somewhere else behind his back, what is it going to be like when you are married and you want to go out with the girls?
You need have a deep heart to heart with him, and it doesn’t sound like counseling would be a bad idea either. To me, this is a red flag. I hope you can figure out what is giving him even a hint that you would lie to him.
Post # 4
I dont have any advice but this would not sit well with me. My FI would not be able to tell me I couldnt have one. This sounds like a problem bc there is clearly a trust issue. Who cares if your friends are single? A bachelorette party does not have to be at a strip club or a dance club geared towards singles. People go to spas, wine tasting weekends, drag shows, etc.
Post # 5
My DH does not tell me what I “allowed” to do. I’d not be happy about this.
Post # 6
@anonanon123: first of all, he can’t allow or not allow you to do anything. That being said, I do think that spouses do worry (and sometimes very legitimately) about what type of activities will go on at these parties. You should come up with a game plan for how you would like your party to be and discuss it with him so he doesn’t see it as some crazy, drunken, stripper heavy chest fest. I was very up front with FI and told him that I do not want strippers included in the evening at his bachelor party in any way, shape, or form and I mean it. I trust FI completely and I don’t think he would cheat, but I still don’t want him paying to look at other women take their clothes off. It’s inappropriate and disrespectful to me.
Anyway, talk to your FI. It sounds like he has some misplaced fears about what your evening would be like, and he would feel better discussing it.
Post # 7
@anonanon123: Is he “allowing” himself to have a Bachelor party!?
Post # 8
I would not be with someone who told me I was not allowed to something. You are an adult not his child and nobody can tell you what you can and cannot do!
Post # 9
@Summer_Rose: This is what I’m wondering…
how about a “girls night out” ? It’s not a bachelorette party but just a night out with girlfriends 😉
Post # 10
Are you kidding me?! He needs to grow up. Nip this behavior in the bud NOW before you spend your life with someone who sounds like he’ll question your every move.
Post # 11
@anonanon123: Really? Even after you suggested a spa day? Not gonna lie it didnt give me a “Warm and fuzzy” even before I read you request for a spa day, but the fact that he is not letting you have ANY kind of girls party, regardless of how tame it will be, is ridiculous.
I would be very VERY nervous to continue with the status quo unless I did a little bit more investigating of his character.
Post # 12
I would not be impressed with be “not allowed” to have a bachelorette party. Does he “allow” you to go out with these same people on any other time? I don’t really see any difference between trusting you to go out with these single girls on a random Saturday night, but not for your bridal shower.
Post # 13
@anonanon123: If I were you, I’d want more information from him. Why doesn’t he trust your friends? What does he think will happen at a spa? In his mind, what is the worst case scenario that he is fearing?
I agree with the PP that I wouldn’t be with someone who told me what I can and cannot do. If I wanted to be parented, I’d live with my parents.
Post # 14
To me, a man thinking that he can give me permission or not to do something is a deal breaker.
is it to you?
think about it this way: it’s not that you’ll mis your bachelorette party. everybody can live with that.
it’s the fact that he thinks he can tell you what to do. today is a bachelorette. tomorrow?
Post # 15
It sounds as if your FI is concerned not so much about what you may choose to do on your own but, rather, about what some of your friends potentially may plan for you.
Sadly, I have read too many posts on WB where someone — honestly, it’s usually the guy’s bachelor party and not the bride’s bachelorette party — where friends pressure the guest of honor to visit establishments where they would not normally choose to go and to be exposed to environments to which they or their FIs would object under any other circumstance. For that reason, I applaud your FI for wanting to do everything in his power to ensure that this does not happen to either of you.
If he is not ordinarily a controlling person, I would not be inclined to interpret his attitude toward — and actions regarding — this scenario to his being controlling but, rather, to his desire to be protective of not only you but also himself and your relationship.