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I hope this doesn't sound snarky, but in all honesty, I think it is more rude to EXPECT to be able to bring a guest to a free meal, usually free alcohol, event that is supposed to be a "thank you" to close family and friends for helping to celebrate a happy union.
Attending someone's wedding has nothing to do with how much fun I am going to have and everything to do with how much i want to be there to witness the union of some friends of family members whom i love very much. My fiance and I have been dating for over 6 years and I have attended MANY weddings without him, even after we were engaged. I was never offended by this because I have old friends who have never met him and I am just grateful that they invited me, if not him - someone who means nothing at all to them. I think it is sad for your friend to decline an invite because she feels like she won't have fun. The couple is obviously not singling her out. Rarely would we ever ask anyone to dish out $100+ on our behalf, so I don't understand why it would be okay in this case. I hope she feels better about it and can go and enjoy herself and their day. :)
I was a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding. Their guest list was really tight, she was under a lot of pressure from her FILs to add more of their guests (they weren't paying). I didn't know anyone at all who was there except for my friend and her groom - I'd never even met the other BMs! She didn't invite me with a guest. I just hung out with the other BMs (who all knew each other) all night. Was it awkward? Yeah, you bet it was, especially at the beginning. But I understood why she did it.
I would love to be able to accommodate everyone with a +1. But ultimately, if you have a bunch of single guests - you'll end up with a bunch of strangers at your wedding. Not everyone wants that or can afford that. And even if you look at it as not a big deal because it's just one guest, making one exception can lead to a lot of pressure or pissiness from other people who weren't allowed to bring a +1.
While I believe every couple needs to decide what works best for them, their budget and their comfort level I also want to remind everyone that being single is tough and a little compassion goes a long way. Does this need to manifest itself as a plus one at your wedding? No. But these are your friends and their desire for a plus one probably isn't just an attempt to take advantage of a fancy meal. They are likely worried about not having any one to dance with, talk to, or that they will feel like an obvious third wheel. They're adults and should be able to attend a wedding alone, particularly to share in the joy of your day but please don't forget to consider their side of things and handle them with care.
like most others who've posted, we didn't give plus ones unless someone was seriously dating/engaged. we also didn't invite people out of obligation - while i get along great with my roommate from freshman year of college, and we have fun whenever we get together, i rarely see her even though we're in the same city. i couldn't justify passing up a friend i see every day to invite her. so anyone who wasn't family or we didn't see at least every couple months wasn't invited. it was hard, but we needed to - our site had a 96 person limit, and we ended up at 88. whew!
someone said they feel honored just to be invited - i agree, for sure. if an old friend invites me to their wedding but doesn't invite my husband, i'd be a little sad, but i'd still feel honored that they remembered me. we don't have to do everything together - i can go by myself if need be. budgets are a huge concern, and i get that. :)
I am kind of confused. Although I realize not everyone is like me, I think that most of my friends have similar attitudes. I am 43 and getting married in two weeks. I have never been married before, so I've been single for a long time. I never found it that tough to be single. I hung out with married and single friends, and have a hard time remembering ever feeling awkward about it. Even today, when Fi and I get together with our friends who are couples, small groups tend to form - and often those groups are "the girls" and "the guys." So even if I come to an event on FI's arm, I don't spend most of the night that way. We spend some time together, but we separate and mingle, and I think that all our friends do the same. He isn't much for dancing, so if there is music I either dance with girlfriends or with other guys much of the time (he will venture out on the dance floor for a few songs).
I guess I mostly feel kind of sorry for anybody who can't manage to have a fun evening without a date as some kind of security blanket. And I have to say I think most of the problem is attitude. If you're determined to feel out of place and to have no fun just because you don't have a date, then I'm sure it is hard to be single. If you decide you're going to have a great time, I guarantee that most of the time you will. And if you manage to venture out into the world by yourself, you'll also make a lot of new friends - as long as you make the effort.
To answer your question directly MrsAllGood:
No, it is not rude to not allow you (your friend) to bring a guest. It is an invitation not an obligation and if it offends your friend, then she need not accept. End of story.
I'm with you Miss Potterbear.
As for me, I respect each bride and groom's wishes in the planning of their wedding and don't pass judgement on their guest list choices and I understand the limitations of budgets and space.
For me personally though, having been someone who was hurt and embarressed in the past over this same situation, decided to budget out a few what I call unnecessaries for my wedding (less flowers, cheaper dress, etc), so that I can have a larger guest list, allowing all guests a +1 because I would never want any of my friends to have hurt feelings over what I would consider a celebration. They are important to me, therefore, as a gracious host, I want to make sure they are comfortable... and if that means a plus one guest, so be it. For me, that was a priority, and if that meant that I would just have a backyard BBQ for a wedding, then that was what I would have!
First, no it is not rude and it is not "new" -- in fact the "and Guest" is what is new.
We have a similar situation with one of my fh's cousins. We have a "no ring, no bring" policy for two reasons: 1. We are on a tight budget 2. When I have been to weddings where singles brought unknown guests the invited person spent the entire reception sitting at the table talking with their guest instead of mingling because their guest felt uncomfortable not knowing anyone there
Our solution -- sit singles with family or friends they know and have a singles table.
so, back to my fh's cousin. My fh didn't know his cousin was dating the same guy for such a long time and did not know they had bought a house together --why? Because he is not close to her at all. When I asked about how to address her invite he said to just address it to her. Well, rather than calling him (or his mom) she sent ME a very upset and rude email saying that she would not be attending the wedding because she would not feel comfortable there without her bf, she then included the info about them buying a house together. After showing the email to my fh and fmil their response was, "We'll miss her at the wedding" and expressed that they may have made an exception because they are living together had she kept in contact with them enough for them to know that this was going on, or at least given one of them a phone call.
Since I do not make a habit of inviting strangers into my home for dinner I certainly wouldn't invite a stranger to witness a personal event and then feed them.
Your friend needs a quick refresher course on manners.
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@ calioteach - that's a great story! it seems like everything related to a wedding gets blown out of proportion, particularly with family. your fh and fmil had a very healthy response.
it's easy to get caught up in etiquette rules and applications to real life and who should be more accommodating - guest or host. both should try to do what is possible and then be gracious and understanding if things don't work out. if calioteach's fh's cousin wasn't in close enough touch for the family to know she bought a house with her SO, then it is worth giving up a spot at the wedding for her SO to entice her to come (particularly after a rude and misdirected note)? if cousin declined, everyone will miss her and there you have another spot on the guest list. it happens.
so much drama, so little time...
I said earlier I think guests should be invited.. I think that's because it adds to the guests "fun factor." And while it is the couples wedding.. think about what your guest goes through to get there? They have to give up a weekend, maybe find a sitter, pay for the gas to get there, maybe purchase a new outfit, give you a gift, etc..- as brides... we should be thinking about our guests and their comforts. Weddings are sometimes a bit of an invonvience for people (it costs a person money to come to your wedding).
My girlfriend recently got married, and my fiance was not invited. Bride was on a tight budget... and I totally understood. However, when I think back to her wedding I'm not going to say.. "Wow that was totally awesome... I had a GREAT time!" I'm going to think more of the lines, "Yep. Another wedding. It was nice to see my friend get married." For my wedding... I want people to think "Wow..." I think being able to bring someone adds to that, and my guests have defintiley appreciated the option.
I don't think it's taboo not to invite a guest though. Although, I understand why this woman could be semi upset to not be allowed a guest, I wouldn't refuse to go, but I would probably would leave early.
Inviting guests is gracious of the couple- and people appreciate it. If you don't though, it is not considered rude. If this woman is really upset, she should not attend- no big deal :)
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It doesn't mar the sacred moment, necessarily, but if you've had to make tough choices about who to invite and leave close friends off the list, it leaves a bad taste to be told that you "should" have invited someone.
I think all of us are from cultures that celebrate the same generous ideals your culture does-- and I think it's a little unfair to suggest otherwise. A lot of brides are using common sense when planning their weddings and sorting out the guestlist. Unfortunately, it's not always possible to separate that from the funds that are needed to put on such an event. To many brides, using common sense means not going in to debt to put on a wedding and not spending excessively when you don't have the means.
@mrsallgood - you make a good point, this may be just be a cultural difference. But just as you would expect others to respect your culture and traditions, you should respect others for theirs as well.
I am sort of struck by the phrase:
I'm from a culture that celebrates hospitality, generosity, and largesse - even when you don't have the means.
I think that if you surf around on this site, you'll find that one piece of advice given over and over is that you should try very hard not to go into debt for your wedding. Cultural issues aside, I would find the expectation that I should invite extra people that in fact I couldn't afford to feed or entertain - that I should spend beyond my means in order to allow a guest to bring a date, even one that I had never met before, just so that they would have somebody to dance with (!!) rather offensive.
And I don't really think that having people I don't know at my wedding will "mar the sacred moment" in any way. However, for people who do believe that expressing their love before a small community of family and friends is a private type of moment, not to be shared with random strangers, I think this is a view that should be respected.
I do think that your friend probably should send a nice card and not attend the wedding. It doesn't sound as if she really is much of a friend to the bride and groom, if she is so much more concerned about whether she can have a good time for one evening without a date than she is eager to witness and share this very special day with them. I know that we have had a couple of people decline to come to to our wedding over what we see as equally trivial matters, and with equally bad grace, and we certainly don't see it as any great loss.
Well said, suzanno, once again!!
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Suzanno -- Well said!
I'm not going to go into debt so someone can bring a date to my wedding -- a date I've never met. I've cut everywhere I can, and honestly the guest list makes the biggest impact on the overall budget. Each person that shows up adds just over $100 to the budget. In addition, my venue has a 140 person limit as well. My fh and I both have large families -- do you expect us to cut family so you can bring a date? No, I don't think so. No one we work (with the exception of my moh) with is coming to the wedding, and there are people I work with that I see everyday that I would love to come, but I'm not going to go into debt just because I would like them to be there.
To add to the comment I left earlier, not only is his cousin not coming, her parents have now decided not to come as well. My fh and fmil think it is funny that they would let this boyfriend have so much power over them that they won't go to the wedding of a family member. Maybe now that I know three people I've never met, and whom my fh hasn't seen in 3 years are not coming, we can invite some friends from work! The friends that have been perfectly understanding and supportive of our decision not to invite them due to our budget!
my culture is no less hospitable or generous than yours. I think I am being more than thoughtful of my guests in many ways and using my common sense to have a wedding within my means rather than giving off false pretenses that i can afford to feed the whole neighborhood, when I don't have the means.
someone refered to attending a wedding as almost being a chore, unless you can bring a guest. i have NEVER felt that way about attending a friend or family member's wedding without a guest. If any of my friends/family felt that way, I would think they aren't that close of a friend or family member anyways.As suzanno said, no great loss.
geez...how about just a short answer...
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold"> NO, that bride is not being rude.
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For my own wedding I do not care. If they are my friend, and they would like to come; GREAT! I do want them to feel cpomfortable. If they won't be on their own.. plus one it is! For myself I always followed the "One house or future spouse" Rule. Why would I want to bring a random date? The sad thruth is that there wil always be hurt feelings with these tough subjects. They're stressed - take it with a grain of salt!
OOoh, hot topic. Personally, we are allowing guest for those first cousins that are older and have had a steady boyfriend/girlfriend for a significant amount of time. The other way a person could be granted a guest is if they don't know anyone else at the wedding but myself or my fiance. For instance, our harp player was a student of my fiance who only knows him. So, she gets a guest.
You need to realize that budgets are tight and the couple wants YOU there. Make it a good night with friends or family. If you are flying completely solo, then you need to have a game plan. I have gone to weddings without a date and have known no-one. Talk to you people at the table... you will have fun if you decide to have fun!
But, totally frank, I think it is as rude to assume you should have a date. Weddings aren't cheap, people!
Ugh, this is one of my favorite and worst topics. I strongly believe that ALL guests should get a plus one. Wedding too expensive-lower your costs, cut the guest list in other ways so that you can afford for your guests to be comfortable.
Very few weddings have many singles and to place your single friends in that situation is just rude. Would you ask a married friend to be invited by herself to sit by herself, to have no one to talk with, dance with? Why should it be different because one is single, one is not?
Wedding 1: I did not get a date because I was not dating anyone seriously. I was seated at a table with 5 couples, all of whom were my college friends. However, the wedding was horrible-the entire time I had to interrrupt my friends to talk because the couples tend to stay togethe and I had no one to dance with. There were a group of six other single girls at the wedding who went to high school with the bride-I don't know them and frankly I feel uncomfortable at a wedding spending my time getting to know others. It's not a bar-I want to enjoy myself not spend hours hearing about their high school.
Wedding 2: I was a bridesmaid not allowed to bring a date. Needless to say I had a horrible time.
Bottom line, anyone over 18 should be invited with a plus one.
Which is more important to your friend, her relationship with the couple getting married, or the ability to bring a guest? Is it worth hurting their friendship to disrespect the wishes that I'm sure the couple thought hard about, just so she can bring a date? She's not married or engaged, so it's not like they're being spiteful to her SO. They've made their decision, now it's time for her to decide her priorities and understand that it's not personal and it's not rude.
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I was recently invited to a wedding, and my husband was not. I know my friend is on a tight budget, so I am understanding. The problem is, while she is my friend, I don't know any of her other friends- or family. I know if I don't attend she'll be hurt, but the thought of being there by myself and having to make friends is a little daunting (I will still do it though).
In a Miss Manners post this quesiton was recently asked, Miss Manners replied that you are a guest whose honor has been requested to witness a marriage (and probably treated to a night out). Guests don't complain, she simply stated if you are offended do not attend. I think she's right. Wedding's are costly and while I would never not allow people to bring dates, I can understand where other people would out of necessity.
I would tell her not to be hurt, if she doesn't want to attend, tell her to politely decline and send a small gift (the couple probably suspects she is irritated, and if they really are friends she should make ammends). If it really bothers her that much these friends aren't as generous as she believes she would be, maybe they shouldn't be friends?
ladydanaj--
I can't believe someone would suggest cutting real friends/family so a single friend can bring a "plus 1" that no one knows. Thats ridiculous. While every effort should be made to keep guests "comfortable", the wedding is not about the friend. It is party in honor of the bride & groom.
It is one thing if you are inviting a single friend who won't know anyone at the wedding. In that case, I suggest allowing them to bring a date because going to a wedding in which you don't know anybody but the bride and groom can be quite daunting.
Otherwise, I think the serious relationship/engaged/married rule applies.
I have never understood why people get upset about this rule.
If you're invited to a wedding and only know the bride and groom, then your +1 most likely only knows you!!! How much fun can it be for them to go to an event where they don't know anyone!!!
On the flip side, the bride has opted to invite 2 close friends instead of inviting one close friend and their +1 who wouldn't know it was her except for the white puffy dress. Who wants to invite strangers??? The fact that you have to use the term "+1" probably indicates that the bride and groom don't know them by name.
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