Post # 1
I am not invited to be in one of my best friend’s wedding party. I unfortunately assumed I would be in the bridal party. She instead asked me to be responsible for making sure everything goes smoothly on the day of the wedding. (Don’t brides pay someone to do this job? I know my venue came with a wedding coordinator, and I know hers does too.) At the time, I assumed this meant I was a bridesmaid. She even asked me what the max amount to spend on bridesmaid dresses should be. However, she finally sent out an official email to all the bridesmaids (8 months later) and I was not included. Our mutual best friend let me know. (She is also confused about why I am not in the bridal party and thinks it is rude and ridiculous.) We were best friends in high school. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding (4 years ago). We live in the same city and hang out about once every month. She calls me when she is having trouble. We text each other frequently to see how the other is doing. She has 5 bridemaids: our mutual best friend from high school is the MOH, her best friend form undergrad, her best friend from her previous job, her best from from childhood, and her sister-in-law.
Now that I know my role as servant, I would like to tell her that I’m hurt and do not want that role. Her wedding is not for 11 months. It was not informed consent! I just know she will cry and get really upset, and I hate uncomfortable siutations. She will stress out and think I don’t want to be her friend anymore. Maybe I shouldn’t. Has any bride or bridesmaid every been in this situation before? HELP!
Post # 3
@sullivjo: put yourself in her shoes. she had to make a choice. talk to her about it, but try to be understanding & sympathetic at the same time.
Post # 4
@sullivjo: I would just explain that you don’t have experience with making wedding “run smoothly” and it isn’t a position in which you feel you are up to. Polite tell her you would prefer to just attend the wedding as a guest.
Post # 5
@sullivjo: I would leave out the hurt feeling parts and just say “Sally, I was thinking about your request for the day of the wedding, and I think it would be best if I don’t take on that role. I think I’d be nervous/anxious/whatever, and I’d rather just enjoy attending your wedding.”
Post # 6
First, I’m really sorry that you’re hurting. It’s always hard when a friendship isn’t what you thought it was. Since you consider her one of your best friends, I would probably be honest with her. Let her know that you always thought you were going to be a bridesmaid because you are so close and truly care about her, and then ask if she had a reason for not including you or if she feels that you two have drifted apart at all. Maybe her FI couldn’t get enough groomsmen and they wanted it to be even, so someone had to be excluded, and she wanted someone from each phase of her life. Maybe her FI’s family insisted that her FSIL be included and she “took your spot” so to speak.
I would also express that you do not feel comfortable having the responsibility of being the coordinator and would prefer to attend as just a guest. Hopefully you two can have an honest conversation about your friendship and the situation that will make the relationship stronger. I hate conflict and making people upset, too, so good luck!
Post # 7
@sullivjo: I would say that you agreed thinking that you were going to be bridesmaid, but feel as a guest it would be too much responsibility.
Be honest. Tell her: when you had asked me to help out and about the cost of bridesmaid dreses, I had assumed that was because you wanted me in your bridal party. I am sorry I misunderstood you but I do not want to be a day of coordinator. I feel it is too much responsibility for a guest to assume (you may even be bold enough to suggest that she have a bridesmaid take care of those things).
Stress that you want to be able to celebrate and enjoy the day with her, not spend it worrying about details and logistics.
Personally I think it is so rude of her to have asked you to be over looking all of that. Obviously she is close enough to you, to be comfortable to ask that much of you. 🙁 sorry you are dealing with that.
Post # 8
Maybe she asked you to help her with her big day because she wanted to include you but didn’t have room for you in the bridal party? It seems like she picked a good friend from every stage of her life and maybe just didn’t have room for you. If that sounds super harsh I’m sorry, but I had to pick one “best friend” from college and let the other know that she didn’t make the cut. It stinks but it happens. Looking at it objectively, was she closer to the “other” best friend than she was to you?
Post # 9
@Nostawyn: I talk to her the most out of all her bridesmaids! Oh well.
Post # 11
Contrary to previous advice, I recommend you do not confront the bride with your hurt feelings. What would it accomplish except put both of you through a difficult episode in your relationship?
You are entitled to your feelings. You are not entitiled to put her on the spot. Every bride has to draw the line somewhere. Maybe she knew she had to cut one from her prospective BM list and that’s why she asked you to help ensure the wedding runs smoothly. She may have great respect for your organizational, people and problem solving skills.
If you are feeling llike changing your mind because your feelings are hurt and you don’t want to participate if you can’t be a bridesmaid, fine. Just tell her that you have decided that you really want to enjoy her wedding as a guest.
Post # 12
It is totally understandable that your feelings are hurt. I would simply tell her that you are not up for the wedding coordinator role and will be attending as a guest.
Post # 13
I wouldn’t tell her your feelings are hurt, she probably knows and telling her will just make her defensive. But I agree w PP to not take the coordinator post – that sounds like a nightmare! Just tell her nicely “Bride, thank you for asking me to be your coordinator, but I’ve thought about it and I really can’t take that on. I know your venue’s coordinator will do a great job!”
PS -honestly, having been a bridesmaid, I think you are the winner here. I had no bridesmaids, and when people asked me why I said “because I love my friends so much I would never do that to them!”
Post # 14
I agree with the PP about focusing on not wanting the resppnsibilty and simply attending as a guest.
Post # 15
@sullivjo: Personally I really dislike it when people pressume they’ll be included in a wedding party and get huffy when they’re not – it’s an honour not a right and the bride and groom can choose who they like without having to explain it. I’m sure she had her reasons and she’s given you the role of assistant to include you in some way. If you don’t want the role, just kindly explain you’d prefer to just be a guest but don’t make an issue of not being a bridesmaid, it’ll make you look bad not her.
Post # 16
@sullivjo: My best friend since second grade got married a few years ago and didn’t have me or our other best friend as bridesmaids. Instead she had her sisters (which made sense of course) and her roommate from college who she had only known for a couple years. I was a little hurt at first, but then I realized that it was her wedding and her decision, and I didn’t need to be a bridesmaid to know how much our friendship mattered. We are still super close and it seems silly now that I even cared a bit then. I think you can tell her you don’t want to/can’t help on the day of, but being upset about not being a bridesmaid is just kind of silly.