(Closed) not changing last name?

posted 6 years ago in Traditions
Post # 3
Member
3265 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I don’t have much to say about how if affected me, since when the time comes I will be changing my last name. Sorry 🙁

However, I know you said hyphenating will be very long, but what if YOU hyphenate, then go by your maiden name and give the kids his last name?

Post # 4
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I will not change my name when I get married and my FI couldn’t care less. My mom didn’t change her name either and so has a different last name to myself and my sisters. I can honestly say it had zero impact on my life. It just doesn’t make a difference. People might think that it is a huge deal but at the end of the day what does it matter? Anyone who I have told have said ‘cool’ but it’s not like a huge topic of conversation. Each to their own. Don’t worry what other people willsay – do what you need to do for yourself! 🙂 

Post # 5
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I didn’t change my name. You could always use your name professionally and use your husband’s name at home & with the kids.  

My husband actually took my name and our son has our name now, too. I know it’s unusual but he didn’t care for his name. And my last name is a first name and is a family name on his side, too. 

Post # 6
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am a super feminist (not necessarily liberal) and am keeping my last name.  With children, we’ve discussed giving them my maiden name as a second middle name.  It doesn’t really bother me if our names aren’t the same, as they’ll still be my children!

Post # 7
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@rachiecakes:  I LOVE this!  My FI said he’d be open to take my name, but with his career, I think it would be too much of a pain, but always glad to hear when other families do this.

Post # 8
Member
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I’m not changing my name, I haven’t had too bad a time with the descision. A couple people said I “had” to but they said it in a disbelieving way not a judgemental way other people have been really excited to hear I’m not changing it but at the end of the day other people’s opinions don’t mattter. For me it is a personal decision and if anyone is going to judge me for it then that’s their problem not mine.

Post # 9
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I probably won’t be changing my last name either. Mostly for professional reasons, I’m in academia and I’m already published under my maiden name. Also partially for identity reasons, this is MY name after all. FI says he doesn’t mind, but I think he’s secretly a tiny bit disappointed. My mom (of all people) cares the most and is adamantly against me keeping my last name for “purposes of the children”, which is ironic, because she has a different last name than me (but didn’t change it to be that way until I was out of HS, so “it’s ok”). I say do what feels right for you, you can always change your name sometime down the line when you decide have children if it becomes an issue. Or like PPs mentioned give them your maiden name as their middle name.

Post # 10
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I kept my last name. 

1. In my circle–and I was born to a feminist and work in academia–no one bats an eye (in fact, in my life, it’s MORE common for women in academia who DO change their names to to be judged than the other way around). In general, my feeling is that at least in almost all major urban areas (I’ve lived in plenty), this is common enough that people don’t care if a woman keeps her name after marriage. 

Keeping my name hasn’t affected anything in my life. At all. Well, it saved me an awful lot of time and paperwork that I would have had to do if I changed it, but that’s not a big deal. 

Here’s the bottom line: the decision to keep or change your name is personal. We can go 20 rounds on the virtues and/or sociopolitical overtures regarding doing one or the other, but at the end of the day, every woman has the right to be called whatever she wishes to be called–whether that’s Mary MaidenName, Mary MarriedName, Mary Sisboombahbananarama, or “Madonna 2.” And if anyone questions this basic right, or judges you for whatever you’ve chosen to do, you really have to let that be their problem. 

As far as kids go, I’m a feminist so I’m not in favor of giving up naming rights JUST because it happens to be customary for children to take the father’s surname. You should have the same rights as Dad, in my book. Now, it IS customary for kids to have Dad’s last name, so it’s possible that you will run into people who ask you if your kids are from a previous marriage or stuff like that if they don’t have Dad’s name and you’ll have to decide your comfort level on that AND the possible inconvenience for your kids. As far as your argument with FI goes, I guess it’s just going to come down to who wants it more and to whom it matters more for the children to have one name or the other–maybe that’s not a fight worth having until you actually have kids. 

For posterity, here are some other naming options friends of mine have taken:

-one child has dad’s last name; the other has mom’s (only really works if you ahve 2 kids, though)

-quasi-Icelandic style used–son got the surname “Dad’s first + son” (Jacob Johnsson); daughter go the surname “Mom’s first + dottir” (Mary Annsdottir)

-child has mom’s surname as a first name and dad’s surname as a last name

-children given a beloved grandmother’s maiden name as last name

…Okay, so I know some weird people.

Post # 11
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m planning to keep my name, for most of the reasons already stated. I am registered in my profession under my current name and it would cost too much to change it; I’m also published under it and I’ve worked hard to make an *ahem* name for myself, and I don’t want to waste that. It’s actually far more unusual for women in my field to change their professional name, and if they do it’s usually prior to becoming registered or established. Plus I LOVE my surname – it’s slightly unusual, very cute, and suits me. I’m the last in my family to have that name, and I don’t want to just give it up. Pretty much no-one in my family or his really expected me to change my name, so that part hasn’t really been a problem. 

Finally, in a slightly sadistic way, I’d quite like the idea that when FI and I are married we will be working in the same establishment, and I’ve heard of so many people making a faux pas, whinging about the partner to the other, not realising their married. I want to be able to snigger whilst people whinge about FI to me (it obviously won’t be the other way round – he’s the grumpy one!).

When we have children I might make it a middle name (they really wouldn’t wouldn’t work hyphenated, due to the fact that his is Polish and mine is an English noun!), nor could we combine them to a new name (they start with the same letter). My name is also a female first name, so that might work, and I’ve decided that if we have a boy he’ll have my grandfather’s name as middle name, so at least my family will be carried on in the nomenclature. 

Post # 12
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@bikukii:  Just in response to your published work comment, sooner than later, there will be unique identifiers (like Pubmed IDs) given to each published author so that whether or not their name changes, you can still search for all of their works in a given database. My friend ditched her middle name, made her maiden name her middle name and changed her last name. Her name as published says, “Anna Maidenname Marriedname”. I’m hyphenating even though it’s super long because I’m close to being a doctor and want to be the first doctor under my birth surname, but I also love my FH’s surname too. I don’t really think it honestly matters either way – feminism is about making the best choice for what you want, even if that means taking your FH’s surname. It’s all about what makes the most sense for you

Post # 13
Member
1822 posts
Buzzing bee

@BothCoasts:  I have friends whith two very young children together, they got married after  having both of them, the daughter has dads last name and the son has mom’s… They are constantly explaining to people that both children are thiers, not steps or adopted. The School has (I HOPE) Finally gotten it figured out now, but it was a point of frusteration for her for a while.

 

Post # 14
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@teabiscuit:  I think that anyone that judges you for this probably doesn’t deserve to know you, honestly. It is 100%, unequivocally, absolutely your choice.

Post # 15
Member
3767 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am definitely keeping my name as well! Everyone always assumes “Oh you mean for professional reasons?” and I tell them “no, I just like my name” which leaves most people baffled… but whatever! It’s my name, and it won’t make us any less married.

As for the kids, our last names are also each very long, so it’s not practical to hyphenate them. At first I was kinda bummed that my kids would never have my last name, but then thought well it doesn’t make them any less my children! Also, I think that giving different kids different names, or having them all take my name, would make a lot of people assume that my husband wasn’t the father, or that they were step children.

Post # 16
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@hollyberry4:  I’ve gotten this too. “I’ve figured you wouldn’t, because you’ve built a reputation under that name as an actor, right?”

Um yeah, that too, I guess. *shrug*

It feels like people3 are tying to give me an “out,” as if they’re really saying “Ohhh, I understand, but know you would if you could.”

I hate when people ask why not; I feel like thats a really invasive question that never ends well. Now, I don’t normally like to go on diatribes about the sexist traditions behind taking your husband’s name because there is no way that can come off like anything else but me judging your choices–but you asked……

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