not changing name advice

posted 1 year ago in Names
Member
3324 posts
Sugar bee

your name your choice. I don’t even see why you need to justify it.

Member
3668 posts
Sugar bee

You don’t need to explain anything to people. Just assume that people won’t have a problem with your personal decision, and then that should help you exude confidence.

Member
1753 posts
Buzzing bee

are you dead set against being called your husbands name?

Socially I go by Mrs.HisLastName, legally I go by Ms.MaidenName. 

Member
1753 posts
Buzzing bee

@Hcrab81:  aren’t you doing an introduction? You could have your DJ/MC announce it like this: “For the first time please welcome ..Mr X & Mrs. MaidenX”. 

Member
1861 posts
Buzzing bee

I’ve found that acting like they’re strange for assuming anything else works. A big smile, “Oh, actually, I’m keeping my name.” For anyone who asks about your husband, “He’s fine with it,” (again, as if “how odd of you to ask”). More likely, I would imagine, would be folks asking, “Oh, is it for work/professional reasons?” You can go from there — “Yes, but I also just felt more comfortable with my own name.”

Anyone trying to “convince you” out of a decision that you and your fiance have already made and are comfortable with is going to look really odd, really quickly.

Caveat: I’m in a profession and social circle in which keeping one’s name is not terribly unusual. But I really do think that acting as if it’s NBD will be your easy ticket.

Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s very common among my circle of friends for the wife to keep her existing last name.

I’m frustrated that it’s still uncommon here for the husband to take the wife’s last name. I don’t get why some people see that as unmanly. It can be nice for the whole family to share a last name… why not one passed down from the wife/mom, at least some of the time? I think we’ve passed them down from the husband/father for long enough.

Member
41 posts
Newbee

Hello, a MOB answering here. I was married 35 years ago – Northeast US, and didn’t change my name. It’s hard to believe women are still faced with this problem today.  I got a lot of snarkiness from people, and still do, since I have two daughters (with hyphenated names). It’s no one’s decision but your own and no one’s business. It’s a shame that we non-name changers have to get defensive, but some people can get so hostile; like we’re the ones questioning why they changed their names, not the other way around.

Trying to remember back to 77 -Those that knew me probably weren’t surprised. Name changing wasn’t that common, with those who attended college with me, and friends from my high school circle usually didn’t change, either. I remember that people said some fairly ignorant comments to my mother, who had to deflect some of the issue, since I didn’t live in the area.  When we sent out the thank you notes, for the wedding gifts, we had both our names listed on the return address labels, which shouldn’t have left any doubt in the minds of family and friends.

Of course it took decades for my mother in law not to send gift checks to me with a hyphenated name, but then, that’s another whole issue.

Member
5709 posts
Bee Keeper

I will ask to be introduced at our reception as either “Rachel and FI’s firstname” or as “Mr and Mrs FIs firstname FIs lastname”, because both are technically correct. I do not intend to correct people who call me “Mrs FIs lastname”, but if people ask then I will tell them that I didn’t change my name because my name has served me perfectly well for the past three decades, and I saw no reason to change it now.

My only problem is that I will have to make this clear before the wedding, in case people write cheques to “Mr and Mrs FIs firstname FIs lastname”, which we would then not be able to cash. That could be awkward, I agree…

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