(Closed) not choosing a sister to be maid of honour?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

Choose a friend.  Just because she is your sister doesn’t mean you have to choose her.  Pick a best friend.  They will probably be more aware of what you want anyway.

Post # 4
Member
6038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree, choose a friend. I’m 27, my sister is 13. I love her dearly, but she’s not in a position to be a MOH. She’s not old enough to do or handle any of the things a traditional MOH does. She can’t host a shower, or bachelorette party. I mean, she can’t drive for goodness sake.

I did take her dress shopping with me, and she commented that she thought the sister was supposed to be the MOH. I felt bad, but had to explain that the MOH’s job requires a lot of work that she’s just not old enough to handle. 

She is a “full fledged” bridesmaid (as opposed to a jr. bm), and I’ve tired to incldue her in as much as possible.

Post # 5
Member
3832 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My FI is not having his only brother as his best man. He is closer with his friends. It doesnt matter. 

Dont feel obliged to make them your MOH. 

Post # 6
Member
232 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012 - The Chapel of the Sir Christopher Wren Building, 2007 Legacy Hall

Don’t feel guilty about choosing your friend! My sister is much younger than me and in no way could have been able to serve as MOH. I’m sure she won’t feel any less loved!

Post # 7
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee

I respectfully disagree with PPs … the MOH’s only real “duty” is to stand up with you on your day and support you in your marriage. The rest of it is extra, and it’s great if they can and want to help out with all of it, but it’s not required. “if the decision was based solely on emotion and love and such, it would be an easy choice.” – it IS and SHOULD BE based solely on those things.

I think that if I were in your shoes I would think about having two MOH’s. Don’t pick your friend over your sister because you feel like you can rely on her to do a bunch of wedding stuff for you, but if she’s a really close friend and you want to honor her and thank her for all the help she’s willing to give, there’s no reason why you can’t make her a joint MOH.

When one of my two sisters got married, she couldn’t bring herself to choose between us so she had both sisters as MOH. She asked my other sister (who is more “girly”) to be in charge of holding the bouquet, wrangling the train, etc. while she asked me to do more of the logistical and traffic-directing stuff at the reception. Worked out great. I’m doing the same for our wedding – both sisters, one maid and one matron of honor.

Post # 8
Member
4038 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’d choose a friend.

Post # 9
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

My DH did not have his brother has his best man.  He actually didn’t even struggle with the decision.  His brother really only cares about his own things, so all of the duties of a best man would have fallen by the wayside, and DH knew it.  He instead chose his very dedicated best friend and his best friend was beyond honored.  His brother always required tracking down to get input on things, finding a suit, bachelor party ideas, etc.  The day of the wedding he didn’t even say anything to me.  DH definitely made the right choice.

Post # 10
Member
45386 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would choose the friend, but before that became public knowledge, I would have a heart to hear with my sister. I would tell her exactly what you told us (maybe leave some parts out). Just tell her that you love her dearly but you have chosen not to put her in a position that would cause anxiety for her.

Post # 11
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m going to be the voice of dissent here. My sister is 8 years younger than me and will absolutely be my MOH. She has no idea what goes into weddings, but why should that matter? To me, the decision will be based on love and emotion, not who can play the role of wedding helper the best.

An alternative would be to have co maids of honor. But if it were me, I wouldn’t leave your sister out. At the very least, ask her how she feels about the role and explain what you are looking for. If it seems overwhelming for her or more than she can take on, she can decline and just be a bridesmaid.

 

Post # 12
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

last summer my FI’s sister got married, and she was upset at first that she wasn’t chosen to be MOH, just a bridesmaid, even though we live on the other side of the country! i sympathized, and hoped she would get over the hurt.

well, soon enough she realized what that entailed: shopping together, helping with all the planning and crafting, organizing pre-parties… etc. Nothing that she could do long distance, and to be honest, far too “girly” for her. Haha… so she ended up being really happy how things worked out.

my point being, your sister may be a little upset at first, but she’ll realize that it’s all good. As long as your MOH keeps her in the loop about things, she’ll feel included. 

and one last piece of advice…. you’re not even engaged yet and you’re already planning your wedding! i know it’s exciting, but don’t get too far ahead of yourself. Enjoy being engaged. once we start planning and obsessing, it takes the fun out of it, trust me (and I’m sure lots of bees on here would concur) I’m two weeks away from my wedding, and this year has flown by. I look back and shake my head at things I was stressed and lost sleep over. so silly. I’m so excited for the wedding, but I’m actually looking forward to just being married after, so we can have our life back, not planning this huge event anymore. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
3887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Your selection of MoH is supposed to be based on emotion and love and such (your words) and not on who can “do the most” for you.

Post # 14
Member
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My best friend picked me and her younger sister for Co-MOH’s, I basically handled all the party planning etc, but it was very special i am sure for her sister to also be able to stand up and give a speech etc. Many of the weddings I have been to lately have two MOHs so you may want to consider it 🙂

Post # 15
Member
5111 posts
Bee Keeper

@awolfpaw:  Hey there! I am a maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding. There is a lot of backstory so stay with me. Haha.

About a year and a half ago, my best friend and her sister had a discussion leading to an argument about asking me to be my best friend’s maid of honor. My best friend was open with her sister and said, “I’d probably ask her,” and the sister was like, “I’d be so furious!!!”

Then, my best friend’s now-fiance proposed. Shortly thereafter, my best friend’s sister sat her down and said, “You know, I’m in a really different place right now, I don’t wanna do the speech, I don’t wanna do the work, I will not be offended if you ask ChuckNorris.” So I fully expected the sister to be the MOH, but when she asked me, I was ECSTATIC! So far, we are four months into planning and things have gone really smoothly. No tension and my best friend is so happy with what she decided =)

Every siblinghood (is that even a word?) is different. When my aunt got married, she felt it custom to ask her sisters to be bridesmaids, and her sisters (being overweight and older, 44 and 52) HATED it. They were so mad that my aunt didn’t ask their daughters to do it (myself and my cousin being 16 and 20 at the time).

Post # 16
Member
6038 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Okay, well aside from the fact that my sister is really young my MOH is my BEST FRIEND. I love my little sister dearly, but I consider my best friend to be a sister. I guess it’s different for me, I come from a family that doesn’t put a distinction on blood relatives. We have some “family” who are not related at all but you would never know it. 

My BFF actually does more for my wedding than I would (and have) ever asked. She’s more excited about planning that I am. I feel like your friends are there for you, not to “do stuff” for you but to offer advice, listen when you need them to, and be the voice of reason. I’m sorry, but when I’m having a really rough/stressful day, I can’t call my 13 year old sister and bitch. She doens’t understand. 

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