Not chosen to be part of my BM weddig party? :(

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

First off, she doesn’t have to include you just because you asked her.

But still, I can understand why you would be upset. Do you know why you weren’t asked? Is she just having a family bridal party? Was her number limited? Perhaps figuring this out will make you feel better. 

Post # 4
Member
2614 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Bebedreamr:  I’m sorry you’refeeling this way. I actually did the same. I was bm three times but I only had my sister as bm. I wanted a small wedding party and I was afraid if I even asked one friend I insult lots of others. I’m hoping none of them were upset but they never showed that they were. 

I know it will be hard but I really think you should grin and bear it. And be there for her during her engagement. Even though it is shitty. At the end of the day she is not obliged to ask you and if you say something the time coming up to your wedding will be strained.

Post # 6
Hostess
10916 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Bebedreamr: Sorry you’re feeling like this, I can understand. Try not to take it personally but these sort of things can be difficult and cause rifts. Suck it up and join in with the other stuff like the shower, I know it’ll be hard, but you’ll be the better person and friend.

Post # 7
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Bebedreamr:  That’s hard if she asked some mutual friends. Maybe she was worried about you being busy with your own wedding? 

Post # 8
Member
1355 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@AlwaysSunny:  This is what I was thinking.

 

If you’ve been friends for so many years, maybe you can tell her that it kind of hurt your feelings and ask her why she didn’t ask you to be a part of her wedding. You can say that you aren’t mad and aren’t expecting her to ask, but I kind of think it’s okay to ask without being passive aggressive or aggressive. Maybe her fiance only has x amount of GM so she asked only that many and felt like you would have a lot on your own plate to deal with. If it were my best friend, I would feel okay with asking her and think our friendship is strong enough for that conversation. I’d be a little hurt and would want to know why otherwise I might feel upset my whole life not knowing. 

 

Related to you, one of my girlfriends asked all of our friends except me and another girl to be in her wedding. She asked one girl who I didn’t actually think she was nearly as close with compared to me. It stung a little, but the other girl she didn’t ask, her bf at the time (now her husband), my bf at the time (now my FI), and I had a blast together at the wedding and didn’t have the worry/duties of being BM’s. The bride of the wedding recently texted me asking who the BM’s for my wedding are (checking to see if I was going to ask her) and while I really love her a ton, I was totally taken aback that she thought I might ask her. Luckily I’m just using family members in my wedding party (with the exception of my best friend who is also her best friend. I was in her wedding party and I wanted to put her in mine) and told her I had too many female cousins to ask any more friends to be in the wedding. I did at least give her an explanation and I think it’s okay for you to ask if you two are so close. 

Post # 9
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Bebedreamr:  As a woman planning a wedding herself, maybe she thought you would understand the difficulties of choosing the wedding party.

Most of us simply can’t ask everyone we would like to be in the bridal party, without it beginning to look like a circus as the numbers grow.

She may also have been being a considerate friend, knowing that you were busy planning your own wedding and had financial obligations to that.

Be happy for her and put your hurt feelings aside.

 

Post # 10
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Church

@Bebedreamr:  No, no experiences with that. But I do feel for you. Mmaybe she felt obliged to have family? I don’t know …  It does definitely hurt. Ihope you are able to work through your feelings – just offer your love and support. And, hey, it’s one less expense for you that you can put toward your own wedding!

Post # 11
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

One of my bridesmaids who I’ve known almost 15 years is getting married four weekends before I am and she’s having a much smaller wedding so I’m not in her bridal party.  Honestly because it’s this specific friend I’m not really that offended – she has a small family & wants a very tiny bridal party (plus honestly it takes some stress off that I don’t have to plan my wedding and help plan hers at the same time!).  My family is enormous and our bridal party attitude has turned into “the more the merrier” with many BM/GM/flower girls/ring bearers. We’re going to have a damn parade walking down the aisle, lol.

But if you are really close there’s no harm no foul in asking!  I’m sorry that you are hurting though it’s no fun to feel like your friends are not reciprocating in friendship <3

Post # 12
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree that if she really is one of your closest friends, you should be able to have an honest conversation with her. My best friend had always talked about having me be her maid-of-honor, but then when she got engaged, she did not ask me to be more than a BM.  I was really hurt and asked her about it, and it turns out that she had realized that it would make another bridesmaid feel really bad not to be the MOH and had nothing to do with our friendship.  (In the end she had no MOH – I DO NOT recommend this. Someone has to be in charge.)  I think when you talk to her you should reiterate that you’re incredibly happy for her and will be just as supportive as if you were a BM.  It’s better to be honest with a friend than let something fester!

Post # 12
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think you’re being very grown-up and self-aware. Good on your for trying to solve this on your own, but maybe a frank conversation would solve things 🙂

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