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My hubby and I were watching the movie "Julie & Julia" last night. The main character and her husband get into a fight and he doesn't come home to sleep for a night or two.
This made us wonder if it was alright to not come back home for the night after you've had a fight. We both agreed, that for us, its not okay.
So bee's, would you be alright with it?
EDIT: this is all assuming that you weren't contacted or told where your SO went. that is what happened in the movie.
For me? Absolutely not under any circumstances ! One time, I actually stayed on the couch after a spat to sleep because I felt I needed some space. Finally got my butt to bed at 3 am and even THAT made me feel horrible horrible horrible.
He tried to get me to go to bed, but I was being stubborn.
Ideally, a couple who stays together, well, "stays together".
And I have a crazy over active imagination and would wonder all sorts of stupid things like if he went to a strip club etc
Absolutely not. That would be pretty unacceptable to me.
I would assume he was actually leaving me if he did that. Unless you're actually separating over the fight, there's no way that would fly with us.
Oh heck no. Under no circumstances. I agree with ItalianLady, I'd be imagining all the horrible places he could be, and I feel like part of being in an adult relationship is working through problems rather than running away.
@ItalianLady: I would imagine things like that too! I went to New York for a long weekend and I had to call him everyday and text him because I kept thinking o now what if he falls and hits his head and no one knows or since he has diabetes what if something happened and he would have to take the bus to the hospital. It was too much, stupid imagination!
I would be fine with it, as long as I knew she was safe and not wandering the streets or something.
Ummm....I actually did it once.
We had a ridiculously horrible fight. HORRIBLE. I thought that was it. I didn't want to be around him, I just wanted to be done so I stormed out and went to a friends house were I cried my eyes out to her and then cried myself to sleep. I stayed the next night too just to clear my head and try and figure things out. It helped and I went back that day. 3 years later we are now engaged so take it as you will...
My husband once got pretty upset with me when we were dating just for leaving the house for an hour or two. I left in a huff and went to my favorite pub for a drink to cool my jets. I forgot my phone in my hasty departure, and didn't tell him where I was going. Well, about an hour (and a few stops) later, he found me and went to the other side of the bar, unnoticed - had the bartender send over a drink from "the guy at the other end" - after that, we made up - and realized that it causes worry to just take off without saying where you're going... I understand needing space... take a couple hours, cool down... but overnight? Not okay, especially if you don't tell me where you're going!
I would be okay if he left for a little while to cool off but certainly not a whole night.
Absolutely not, unless the fight is because you found him in bed with someone else. Then he best be running out that door faster than your foot can connect to his butt!
I'll admit, when we have an argument I stay up pretty much all night because I can't stand to go sleep next to someone who's angry with me. I know it's stupid and does nothing but make me tired the next day, but it just feels weird.
But I would never leave and ESPECIALLY not for a day or two without calling/checking in. If HE ever did that I would assume the relationship was, for all intents and purposes, over, and I'm not sure I would want it otherwise.
Absolutley not.
About a year ago, my husband and I got into a fight. It was a stupid fight and there were miscommunications. I left to go to a craft store, but he misheard me and thought I was just leaving without telling him where I was going. So when I got back, he was gone, but his phone and service dog were still at home. This is someone with a history of depression and - back in the day - suicide attempts. So I started crying hysterically thinking I'd killed him and started literally running all over the place trying to find him. All I could think about was that the last words we said to each other were in anger. I called his sister looking for him and was a stone's throw from calling the police when he came home. Turns out he'd gone Christmas shopping. We made a pact from then on to never leave the house angry. Too much could happen. To this day, we haven't.
@mrbee: Oh I agree with you there. I thought the question implied that the person who left also didn't contact you. If someone needed some space but let their spouse know where they were (and they were reachable in case of an emergency) then I could probably get on board.
I think it depends. If I'm staying the night at my mom's or my best friend's place to have some space then that is fine. Ditto for if he needs some space. I'm pretty sure this has only happened once in our relationship after a fight though. Usually we try our best to work through things and go to bed made up.
It would not be okay if he left for the night and I had no word from him. That leaves the mind to wander and won't lead to anywhere good!
@mrbee: I think you bring up a good point. I think my husband would be alright with it too if he knew I was alright and safe. I think men don't automatically assume we would be at a strip club or some horrible place. I think men know that woman need space and really respect that...or just need space from them too! lol
Would I be okay with it? No. BUT sometimes if we get into a late night arguement I don't mind if he leaves for an hour or two. Sometimes I will leave and do a little shopping or what not. When you feel the walls closing in its time to get out and get some air. Nothing un-healthy about that.
I might get looked down on this but I HAVE had my husband sleep on the couch before. Not alot but sometimes if we are in the same room I cannot help but to keep argueing. It is probably a charecter flaw of mine but if I see that hes sleeping peacefully while I'm mad as hell then I get all mad again and want to go another round. I would rather him sleep in the living room for a night so we can have our space then Gods knows where.
Absolutely unacceptable. We talk things out like adults. That's a horribly immature thing to do!
We have never gotten into a fight serious enough to warrant this (and never with any other person i've dated, either). If you have good communication and respect each other enough - there is not a reason that should happen. Ever.
If he was so mad at me he needed to cool off and literally could not STAND to be in the same house as me, I'd want him to go cool off, stay at a friend's house, and come back when he's ready to communicate with me. But just taking off and not telling me, "hey i need a day okay?" would not be cool.
I feel like its ok...if your SO knows where you are, etc. I think there is a huge difference between storming out in a rage and saying "Honey, I'm really upset and I need a break. I'm going to stay with_________ for a few days. I'll call you in the morning."
No, space for a few hours is healthy IMO. But the whole night wouldn't work for us.
Unacceptable. In my opinion, walking out on your partner for a night or two is a form of punishment, and he does not get to punish me for disagreeing with him. If he wants to be in a relationship with me, then he will talk through our disagreements with me like an adult.
I understand the concept of needing space, but you can get space without disappearing for days. Go take a bath, or sleep on the couch, fine. But storming out is not okay.
That would be completely unacceptable for me. DH and I are grown, mature adults who talk things through when we have an arguement, not run away from it. This absolutely wouldn't fly for me.
The only time it would be OK is if it were a fight that could mean the end of a relationship and it was announced that the person would be staying someplace else for the evening.
Any other time they can sleep on the couch if they need space.
I guess I'm in the minority, but I would be totally fine with it. I have encouraged my bf after a tift or two to consider going and spending the night with his friend. *shrug* I don't find it bad at all. Not like, asking or telling him to leave or anything more like "hey honey, we both need some sleep and we're both really upset. Do you want to see if your friend ______ will let you sleep over and have some guy time with you?"
CLARIFICATION: this is assuming there is no contact and you don't know where your SO went. that is how it was in the movie, so that was how we based our discussion.
@Ms. Purple: That. would. not. fly. PERIOD! Especially now that we have kids together. I could never leave or let him leave and not know where to. We might get mad at eachother but neither one of us could ever walk out on our children.
No, it's childish & manipulative.
That said, it would be different if the other person felt the need to cool off & went for a walk or something as long as he was clear that's what he was doing.
For everyone who says its not acceptable, what would you do if it happened then? I doubt very highly that if FH left for a night that it would be the end for us. I think there are times during a fight when we need to take a break and have time to think before more problems arise. I know I personally have been in a situation with FH were I just wanted it all to stop but I couldn't because I was so upset and my emotions got the best of me. There are arguments I wish I could take back and times I wish I would have just left but didn't. I don't think that makes me immature or a bad communicator. I'm just an emotional person and sometimes its better to stop and walk away then stay and make it worse.
@MissFlipFlops: I agree without that it's absolutely, absolutely not acceptable if there are children. My dad used to storm out of the house in a rage after fighting with my mom and go speeding off in his car. It was so traumatizing to my sister and me to watch this happening. We would plead with him, "Don't go, don't be mad!" and stand by the window waiting for him to get home safe. If my FI ever did that to our children it would be very hard to forgive.
Walking away to cool off isn't th issue. It's stomping out & disappearing for days that would be the deal breaker for me.
Taking a time out & saying he's going to spend the night at a friend's house to cool off--that can be a mature way to handle overwhelming emotions.
What I think is juvenile is simply storming out of the house leaving your partner to wonder & worry.
On the one hand it would drive me nuts, but sometimes a personal time out is what you need to gain some perspective and so you'll fight more fair when you return. At the very least I'd at least need to know where he was so I knew he was somewhere safe.
I think its normal to need "space" after an argument, i.e, being alone in another room, going out (maybe for an hour or two). But I do not believe in leaving for a long time (ie hours or the whole night or two), no way, no how! I feel like, if we're together, let's be together.
I'm okay with it too...I think space can help calm a situation incredibly. Now it would definitely be difficult to not know any details or how long it would last, but I think I would be somewhat ok with 2 days max, then talking about it. I know my DH wouldn't be at a strip club or even at a friend's house. He would probably rent his own hotel room because he wouldn't want to tell anybody and then he'd go to work like normal. For me...I'd be at my sister's which he would also figure.
Unacceptable. FI and I actually had this conversation strangely enough =) I don't care if he sleeps in another room, or on the couch, or wherever he wants to sleep...as long as we are under the same roof. He feels the same way about me. Your mind already is wandering when you are that upset, so we agreed that we don't want to add the additional stress of worrying about where the other is, what the other is doing, etc.
No, not okay.
If we were to sleep in separate rooms, ok. Or even if one of us said, I need some space, I'm going over to so-and-so's house for the night. Just so I know nothing's happened.
I know, I know...never go to bed angry. That just doesn't work for me. I need sleep to have a fresh view on things.
I don't find it acceptable. If he told me where hw s going then that would definately be more acceptable. I understand going out because you need some space when upset, because I've done this several times. I think I have left without telling him where I'm going BUT I always take my cell phone and answer if he calls, and he knows I'm leaving because I'll let him know or whatever. I would only drive around for about an hour, not a night. My parents did this a lot when they were mad and it worked pretty well.
The worst fights we've had we just sleep in seperate rooms. And I HATE HATE HATE those because I can't stand not sleeping without him. He can go to bed mad, but definately not me!
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