Post # 1
Well Bees last you heard from me we broke up last summer. What I didn’t tell you is we got back together after he came crying to my house saying how much he loved me. I moved into an apartment by myself and out of that horrid roommate situation. Things were going well and we looked at rings last December and then we flew to GA to meet his family. Good signs right? He said he was excited about our future and we looked at rings online and we went in and picked out a setting in February. I was feeling like things were moving forward so I told him I wanted to move in soon. After speaking to his roommate she was able to leave in May and I moved in shortly after. Before I moved in I made it clear that I wasn’t going to stick around for longer than 6 months without a proposol. I hoped that knowing how I felt about living together before marriage he would be like so many other boyfriends and propose before I moved in….that is what I prayed for…that he would pleasantly surprise me. That did not happen.
A month ago I asked him if had looked at rings further and he said no and what was the rush? He said we should just be happy first and let it happen that it is not something you wait for. I said I was happy and if he had issues or wanted me to leave he needed to speak up. He said we shouldn’t worry and to just be happy first.
Bees as much as I have tried to meditate, follow Mr. Bees plan, go out on my own etc I am not happy. I have tried to be patient but we are deadlocked on this issue and I regret moving in now. Wish I had just spent the money on my own new place. I never get any marriage talk unless I bring it up. I feel bitter and angry…very very very angry. It is affecting my daily life. I feel sick and fatigued. I don’t know how to cope. I screaming and cried in my car on my way to work today.
Am I waiting for nothing? Do I have the issue?
Post # 3
@VikingPrincess: Can I ask you what is the rush? Why do you feel the need to get married now and not a little later?
How long have you been together?
My FI have been together for 6 years on Wednesday – 5 years before we got engaged. After our 2nd year I was not so subtle about getting married but quickly realized that being married had nothing to do with my happiness or our happiness together.
I suppose what I am getting at is that if you know you want to be with him and he wants to be with you why does it matter if you are married now or later?
Post # 4
He is 38 and I am 33. I took a few years off dating to concentrate on myself and when I went back to dating I was looking to get married. I had some fun and thought I had met someone who was equally ready and felt commited as I did to moving forward. I want the security and we’ve been dating for 2.5 years now. I feel that I’ve waited long enough. I want to have children soon. I will be 34 in October.
Post # 5
@VikingPrincess: I remember your posts from last summer when I was waiting too (God, I’ve been here forever. lol). You made a huge mistake by moving in with him. I’m going to be very blunt here so if you get angry, I’m sorry but I’m going to say it anyway:
He is manipulating you and now he’s got you where he wants you. He’s basically given in to you enough to trick you into thinking he wants to get married. And he’s letting you dangle, even knowing how you feel about a proposal, which makes it worse. You lost all your bargaining power when you moved in but you can get it back.
It’s going to be a pain in the ass, but move out. He may come crying back to you again and if you feel like giving him a third chance, that’s your choice. But I don’t see him budging and he’s really passive aggressive too, bordering on the cruel.
He’s hurting you and he knows it. You don’t deserve to live with all this anger and bitterness. Get away from him and the situation. I don’t know you at all, obviously, but I sense you can do a lot better. I know this is hard but take care of yourself first. Always. Good luck:)
Post # 6
I would suggest talking to him about the children issue, if you haven’t already, since that’s driving your timeline. Make sure he’s on board with your baby-making goals. If you are in agreement about that, and he understands that you want the ring before the bump, then he’ll probably be more proactive about it.
Post # 7
You need to get quiet. Slow life down. Live one day at a time – with some things, we can’t control the future. And we especially cannot control our significant others.
Being angry, bitter, and resentful will get you nothing. That is ill behavior, given the context, because there are not a lot of situations that merit anger. Do you understand where your man is coming from? Have you lovingly sat down and shared hearts, truly knowing and seeking to know the sort of person he is? If you have done these things, do them again. I have a feeling there is more to the situation than you realize.
He doesn’t sound ready. It sounds like you feel ready. No harmony there, of course, and that is certainly not a way to achieve success, let alone a proposal. And while you may feel justified in your behavior, ask yourself this: am I hurting or loving?
Is your guy worth waiting for or not? Only you can answer that. These are matters of the heart and quiet thought. You’re very focused on you right now. When I’m feeling that way, I endeavor to bless someone else, do something selfless. May not be what I feel like doing, but it helps. It’s tough to love people when I’m stuck on me. And it is possible to be happy and blessed while seeking to love people, so it isn’t as though your quality of being doesn’t matter.
Post # 8
@HEB: well said
Also – If children is what you want, then you should tell him that. Please don’t be one of those women who only want to be married because you think it’s what you should do at a certain age – life doesn’t really work on a timeline and you will always end up disappointed. There is a saying … Good things come to those who wait!
Post # 9
@PutABirdOnIt: I’ve gotta give a big +1 to your post! OP, he is comfortable with the way things are now and he seems perfectly content to stay there. Being that you are 33 and want to start having children soon, you need to decide if you are willing to spend the rest of your life with this man even if it doesn’t lead to marriage. If marriage isn’t a deal breaker for you, then all is good and you can make peace with the situation and just enjoy being together. If you’re not (which I suspect is what you’ll decide, based on what you’ve written) then you need to figure out what you’re going to do. Because he sounds like he’s moving further away from marriage, the more comfortable things get.
Post # 10
I agree with @PutABirdOnIt: If you’re not happy with your life or situation, take control of it and move out. Find someone who can’t WAIT to be with you, and wants to have a family with you. He’s not treating you well. You know it. Letting yourself be bitter and resentful only hurts you, it doesn’t incite him to change. You said you wouldnt stick around if there wasn’t a proposal, so don’t. If you feel like you’re being let on, leave.
Admittedly, this is easier said than done, but there are some major red flags that you shouldn’t ignore.
Post # 11
I WANT to leave. Desperately. I have no money and a crap car that needs work and rents are sky high here. Do I ignore things while I save money and then up and leave? Do I give notice? I don’t know how to do this?! I totally regret moving in….it has not been bliss at all.
Post # 12
I would do whatever you can possible to go- you are unhappy and you need to regain your happiness… good luck!
Post # 13
@VikingPrincess: I know this will be difficult but you have to do it. There are only a few of us here on this board who know your background with BF. Besides the fact that he has been a total asshat, you are 33 and if you want children you cannot wait for him. Also, good things are not going to come to you if you wait this situation out.
You should just smile, stay calm and don’t say anything. Carry on as usual and when you have all your shit together: money, car, etc. and are ready to go, tell him why you are leaving and this is very important: Do not defend your decision. Do not belabor the point. Don’t let him argue you out of your decision or beg you to stay. Just go.
I’ve been without resources too, but you have to find a way. Maybe you can crash with a friend. Get a roomie on Craigslist. Maybe find a place where you can get to work without your car for a while. Might not be your ideal situation but it will only be temporary.
But don’t dwell on any past mistakes and just go forward. You will feel so much better after it’s all over.
Post # 14
Thank you thank you thank you for the kick in the pants. I was trying so hard to be a good girlfriend I lost myself. I’m going to start really watching the money and stay calm and just focus on myself. I want a better relationship than this. He always says that ALL guys are like him and I know they aren’t. The only reason we have been getting along the past 3 weeks is because we have just sat in front of the tv after I get off work and not talk. When we talk we argue and I can’t do it anymore…..
Love you bees…..
Post # 15
Be a good girlfriend to yourself. Take care and be strong!
Post # 16
Just my opinion but I think you should tell him how you feel. I know its corny sounding, but you are miserable and he shouldn’t be playing these games.
I don’t understand these guys who pick out rings/settings and talk about the future but then can’t seem to make a move.
Let him know that your clock is ticking (not just baby clock lol) and that you deserve to move forward.
Good luck! 🙂