(Closed) Not emotionally connected….

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
10367 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

That sounds like thinly veiled manipulation to me. Honestly, I don’t think this is going to get you what you want – and it’s going to cause a lot of resentment on his part.

Post # 5
108 posts
Blushing bee

while i do see where you’re coming from, i think after 4 years of intimacy, holding off will only seem like manipulation if he’s not on the same page. so what you need to do is have another talk about it and come to an agreement that you won’t have sex until you are engaged or married, the key word being agreement. because like i said he will just feel manipulated if he doesn’t feel the same

Post # 6
1876 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Oh no no no no. I understand your frustration, but you can’t withold sex hoping you’ll get a proposal. You guys are already sleeping together – to stop is unfair to you SO.

Post # 7
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

His love for sex is the same as your desire to be married?  Is really this true?  If so, you really need to do some thinking.

Post # 8
4024 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I understand what you are saying and how you are feeling, and I see your point. That being said, I think after 4 yrs, its a little late to hold out on him, and I think he will feel pressured and will get angry. I could see this causing a lot more problems. I think the best part is to talk to him about how you are feeling and what you want. Its almost like black mail to hold out on him now.

Post # 9
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ditto all of the above posters, with an additional point.  It’s kind of messed up that you think of making love with your parter as “a wifely duty” or “giving him sex”. 

Post # 10
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@crayfish: You always get there first-mindmeld:)


@PrettySedity: Please do not withold sex to get what you want or as punishment for not being engaged.  It will end up back-firing.  He may love you but he’s eventually going to get tired of the game and go find what he wants somewhere else.  Especially if he has a healthy sexual appetite.  My advice is to have more sex with him, not less. 

Post # 11
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My concerns are these:

1. Your desire for sex is not going to change when/if you marry him, but you’re implying that it will. This is very misleading and could ultimately lead to some big conflicts within marriage. Why not separate the two conversations and let him know clearly why you’re actually not interested, and what he can do to get you in the mood appropriately; and then let him know how it feels for you to be waiting?

2. Marriage is about a heck of a lot more than sex, and he needs to want to marry you for the right reasons, not just to get the “milk” that you’re withholding, or you’re going to have a heck of a time making things work. Marriage is hard freaking work.

Post # 12
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

I get that for you the sex may be mostly emotional (it can be both equally however, I’m sure many people will agree with me on that) and you feel as strongly about marriage as he does about sex, but if you have no sex drive why don’t you just do something about it? See your doctor, they can probably get you on a better birth control without the side effects.

I don’t mean to be harsh, but sex is a huge part of a healthy relationship and instead of withholding it from your SO maybe you should take some steps to fix the problem? There are plenty of ways to boost your sex drive, if it were me I’d be trying some of them first before refusing to have sex.

Post # 13
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Do you guys live together? Because thats also not “biblical” to live with somone you arent married to. After already having sex with him for 4 years, i I think right now its too late to use the bible as your excuse of not wanting to have sex until you are married. Dont you want him to propose because he is READY to do so rather than because he wants to get some sex.


Post # 14
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with daydreamwanderer.  The problems you have now arent going to go away once you are engaged and ultimately married.  He is going to continue to have a high drive. 

Even if you do go along with what he wants once you’re married and have sex more to please him, he will likely pick up on that you don’t really want to do it.   Treating sex like a chore does not end well.

Post # 15
5110 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2011

this may have been ok if you had never slept with him but you did… so its competely unfair and vey minipulative..

Post # 16
384 posts
Helper bee

I feel your frustration and I understand it but I personally couldn’t go without sex with my SO.  It’s a big part of our relationship, yet certainly not all of it. I’m sorry, but I feel this is (maybe not intentionally) manipulative.  It could be one reason why you don’t have much of a drive but I agree it’s not fair to cut him off after 4 years. 


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