Not enough similar interests. . . Bees, am I overthinking?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How many common interests do you and your SO share?
    Almost all, major and minor, interests : (13 votes)
    9 %
    Most interests-- more than half : (39 votes)
    27 %
    Some interests-- about half : (39 votes)
    27 %
    Some interests-- less than half : (31 votes)
    21 %
    We only have a few common interests : (21 votes)
    14 %
    We don't have any common interests, but it works somehow! : (4 votes)
    3 %
    Other, please explain : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I think it’s perfectly fine to have different interests and even healthy. It does sound like perhaps some more compromises need to be made. Why can’t you go along with him once in a while when he goes target shooting or give the games he likes a try? He can reciprocate by going on a bike ride with you once in a while.

    As for your financial values, that could be more tricky. It’s something that will take a lot of communication.

    As for me, SO and I are both completely boring and have mostly common interests.

    Post # 4
    Member
    749 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2018

    awww sorry to hear it 🙁

    FI And I Dont Have Alot Of Interests Either which i think is good because it’s something different to talk about, If we both just liked the same things we’d probably get bored very quickly.

    When he’s angry i’m calm and when i’m angry he’s calm so it makes for a nice balance, I would just take it for what it was. If you want to know anything he thinks about you talk to him, communication is never a bad thing. Hope this helps!

    Post # 5
    Member
    2725 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    OK, I think there are two separate issues at play here…

    The first being not sharing all the same interests: I echo what PP said, that’s ok. If you liked all the same things, and wanted to do only the same things 24/7, think of how boring life would be. It’s great to have differing interests, because you encourage each other to expand your horizons. It’s also nice to have things that are just for you. Maybe you make a schedule: once a month you each get to plan a date around your interests, and the other has to go along with it, like it or not. The rest of the time, you enjoy those interests on your own.

    In terms of the money/workaholic situation: Your SO might be my husband. He is a also freelance worker and the biggest workaholic I have ever met. And sometimes it drive me MENTAL, because he overworks himself, and we are MORE than comfortable. There is no reason for him to work so hard. Did your SO grow up in a house where money was an issue? Because my husband did, and that is why he is always worried about not making enough money. He literally double his income over last year, and is STILL worried. And we were fine on what he made last year!

    Two things that have helped me:

    1) Understanding his motivation. I know my husband works so hard for me, and for our family. It is incredibly important to him to give me everything I could ever want, whether that be a big house, or a purse, or even a trip. He sees it as his job to make sure we are comfortable financially, and to him, working so hard to give us a great life is a way of showing me how much he loves me.

    2) RULES! He has to stop working at x time. He can’t check his emails on weekends. Whatever works. You need to compromise on a way that he can work, but still have time for you as a couple.

     

    None of this is a dealbreaker. It’s just discussions that need to be had, and maybe some ways of doing things or thinking that need to be tweaked 🙂

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    13168 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    DH and I have more common interests now than we did when we met because, through spending time together, we’ve aquired many of each other’s interests.  DH has gotten me more into baseball, while I’ve gotten him more interested in soccer and occasionally running races.  Plus we already had some mutual interests from the start.

    We’ve also picked up interests together as a couple like when we began taking tennis lessons together and now play on various tennis teams.  But we still have thing that the other doesn’t really enjoy (I love curling up with a book and he enjoys video games) but it is always good to take time for yourself, even when in a relationship, so it is still easy for us each to spend personal time doing the things we enjoy.

    Post # 7
    Member
    4576 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    We have very few interests in common, but we try to understand and GET interested for the others sake.

    Golf: used to play golf as a kid. I suck and I hate it…but it’s BFs whole life. He is very talented and loves to play. I still will suck it up and attend tournaments with him (especially pro ones) and we have alot of fun.

    Makeup/art: he is a “jock”, I am all about paiting, makeup application, DIY, etc. He will ask me about my projects or how I achieve some makeup effect. I think sometimes he’s genuinely interested but usually he’s just being kind 🙂

     

    Post # 8
    Hostess
    2575 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    My FI and I went into our relationship with very few shared interests.  Seriously, all we really had was a love of college football (even the same team!).  We still don’t like the same kind of music and he’s into video games (which do nothing for me).  We have certainly developed shared interests as our relationship grew – running, wine tasting and traveling, to name a few.  I don’t think it’s super important to share every interest with one another, but I do think it is important to compromise at times.  For example, even though I absolutely hate his favorite band, I usually give in and see them with him once or twice a summer.  This usually causes him to bend and partake in one of my hobbies with me without (much complaint) — um, hello shopping?! 

    But, you also cannot get angry or resentful over time that he spends doing a hobby he enjoys alone (and vice versa — he should respect your hobby time).  If my FI wants to sit home on the weekend and play video games for 2 hours, I usually find something else to do rather than sit there, sign and twiddle my thumbs over it.  

    Post # 9
    Member
    1090 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    We share some interests, but we’re very different people. It works for us, though. We embrace our alone time, and when we spend time together, just sitting and talking is enough for us. We do certain things on our own time, and we do whatever interests the both of us when we’re together.

    For examle, I’m a loner, always have been. I do all my internet things, reading, writing, shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. alone. 

    He’s very social and he has at least 2 days a week to himself; he plays his video games, plays on a city softball league with coworkers, plays basketball and hikes with his other friends. 

    Together, we go to the zoo to take photos at least 2x a month, watch movies, work out, and do other stuff. 

    It’s easier for us this way, especially since we don’t live together, but even after we’re married, I’ll be ok with him spending entire days out with his friends, because I would also need to be alone sometimes to keep me sane.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2562 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    How about you both come up with a list of things you like/appreciate/love about the other person?

    And I think different interests can work out wonderfully! You’ll always have something to talk about – it’s the reason I encourage my FI to do some things he loves without me.

    Post # 11
    Member
    822 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Sounds like you’re marrying my husband!!  He is a macheinist and a writer.  The first 7 years of our relationship he was actually in grad school but still worked part time in the machine shop and as a painter.  I have a full time job that is consistent and covers our medical benefits.  I also love to exercise & run and he thngs working out is dreadful.  He is always worried about not having enough money because of the inconsistancy.  He will even start selling things on ebay when he’s really worried about money.

    We went through a rough period where we came really close to breaking up about 2 years before we got engaged.  It actually took some serious effort & patience to make things work between us again.  We ended up going to therapy & were lucky enough to get someone great who really helped.  This may sound a little silly, but we started buying little dates on living social & groupon to do things like wine tasting or ferry rides, shows, etc.  We eventually found things that we loved to do together.  We both got really into learning about wine & trying new restaurants.  We started taking weekend trips together too.  We even have TV shows we love to watch together and we’ll make it a date & have little romantic nights together mid-week where he makes sure to come home early (I work really early & fall asleep early & he’s on his own schedule) and I may make dinner or he may bring something home & we don’t look at our phones or computer & just enjoy the show together.  It’s like movie night at home!

    Our relationship is better now than it ever was.  I dont’ think it’s neccesary to share everything. I love my alone time & I’m happy that he has other friends he can be with now & then to do the things he loves that I don’t enjoy.  And I think he would say the same thing.  But we are also very honest & understanding with eachother when we’re feeling neglected.  I’ve learned that sometimes it’s OK to just say, I need a little extra attention today.  He can do the same & we’re usually really good at listening and making that work.

    It sounds like you care enough about eachother to make that work too.  I think if you talk about it and get through this, you guys will be just fine!

    Post # 13
    Member
    1254 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    My husband and I have a lot in common and that includes most interests. However, I don’t share his passion for cars and don’t understand how he could “waste” so much money on his hobby. It bugged me a lot at the beginning stages of our relationship, but over the years I got so used to him having his own hobby that I actually started understanding him more about his car stuff. I think it is normal to have different interests and even healthy. As long as you still have common interests and things to do, I think you are fine. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1861 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Creiddylad:  Different interests aren’t a problem unless they take up ALL the free time or a LOT of shared money. You just have to learn enough about them to be able to have an educated conversation about what your partner is into.

    As you realize by the end of the post, though, this isn’t about not liking the same stuff, it’s about how your time and money are spent. You need to be on the same page with financial goals and work/life balance. What will your earning capacity be after grad school? Will you be in a position, theoretically, to keep the household budget more stable?

    (No crap from this corner about “practical” degrees, though — I know what the job market is like!)

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