- 7 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
If this is the kind of drama that is going on before I am even engaged, I am terrified for what happens when the real planning begins….
My partner and I recently filed for a “fiance visa” because we are from different countries, and we both want to go back to the US to get married and live and work. We are not officially engaged yet – the visa paperwork can take quite awhile, so we are just getting a headstart. I have a feeling an official engagement will come in the next few months. In the meantime, I had to tell my mom we were applying for the visa because I used her address as my US residence and she will be receiving the correspondance for me. I asked her to please kep it on the down low since nothing is official yet.
However, please keep in mind her dream has been for me to get married for many years. My career accomplishments and other accomplishments in my personal life mean nothing to her – I have always felt that she considers me a “failure” in her eyes because I am not married with children yet, regardless of other amazing things I have done in my life. So, now that she realizes marriage is on the radar, she is going nuts – sending me lists of wedding venues and wedding articles.
I sent her a (maybe rather harsh) e-mail saying not to get too excited; that we weren’t even engaged yet. Also, my parents are divorced, so I told her to please understand it was a sensitive subject for me for her to be getting all up in wedding planning and having a certain “vision” (which excludes my dad and puts her now-husband at the forefront of her fantasies of walking me down the aisle – she made my stepdad give a toast at my brother’s wedding, which my father did not attend because he felt uncomfortable being around my mom and new husband). I told my mom I want my dad to be part of this and please be respectful and sensitive and not to jump the gun about planning. She got extremely offended and is now giving me the silent treatment.
I am also having some drama with a ‘friend’ of mine. I use the term loosely. We were good friends in college but over the past few years she has changed a lot. Her boyfriend was from another country and she basically told him, at 22, she would only move there if he married her. He agreed and they didn’t have a proper engagement or wedding. However, this friend considers being married the pinnacle of her life. She does not work or have other hobbies other than “stay at home wife” she has often acted superior about her title as “Mrs.” and acts like being married is the only thing that matters in life, looking down upon me and other girls in our group. Becaue of this attitude, I have held her at arms length, but because we are part of the same group of friends from college, never cut her off completely. She recently got wind of the visa and sent an e-mail to me and our group of friends asking why I didn’t tell them I was engaged, etc. I told her I was not yet engaged, we just did the paperwork, and I would probably get an actual proposal soon. I said that my man and I had looked at rings and described the one I liked. I said we were going to make things legal as soon as the visa went through, but that we would probably not have our ceremony for another 1.5-2 yrs so we could save for a big celebration like we want.
She apparently took offense to this and e-mailed another friend behind my back (who came and told me what she said). Apparently, this girl said that I sound “materialistic and negative” and that “marriage is about more than that”. I didn’t at ALL though. I think her insecurities and jelaousies over the fact she did not have an actual engagement, ring, or proper wedding, are making her lash out at me. It really hurts.
I want the next year to be a happy time for me, but I am already receiving so much negativity, I am so scared.
How can I put a stop to this negativity and ensure it won’t continue?! I see a lot of emotional posts on here and it is good to know this seems to be common in weddings, but it is unfortunate. I want this to be a happy time, a uniting of family and friends, and it is starting off totally on the wrong foot 🙁