Post # 1
We’ve been together five years, 30 & 31 and the engagement is imminent. The wedding discussion happens more frequently when we speak to our parents. I have always dreamed of a destination wedding and SO is fine with anything but an elopement.
When we tell our families the destination idea, it’s often followed by “That’s not a good idea, SO’s brother has three kids now and it would be so hard for him to travel [but can travel to Disney for a week, no problem!]… random cousin is getting married next year too….grandmother is too old… blah blah blah. You should really have it locally.”
It sounds selfish (and tell me if I’m being ridiculous), but I can’t help but say, “Those really aren’t our problems.” Yes, it would be great to have everyone there, but now we have to change our ideas because SO-Bro decided to have three kids??? Why didn’t anyone talk him out of THAT?! haha.
Then when we talk about the size of the wedding, I’m always met with, “Well you HAVE TO invite this alcoholic uncle and this other uncle that couldn’t even tell you SO’s last name!!..They’re your Dad’s brothers!” Ok…they’re not MY brothers and have nothing to do with me!
How do you deal with this, whether it was a venue or a guest list issue? As soon as people start asking about wedding plans, I want to be armed with a response..
Post # 3
You just have to put your foot down and say that you want it this way or that way. Once you start giving in then you might as well accept that it isn’t you and your FI’s wedding anymore. However, you do need to pick your battles.
How does your FI feel about a lot of his family (like his brother and grandmother) not being able to come? If I had my heart set on a destination wedding and my SO said that he wanted his brother to be there and his grandma, I would immediately have changed my mind. Not for the family, but for my hubby-to-be. I did have to give some things up that I loved because DH felt differently, but it is his wedding too.
If your SO is ok with leaving his brother and grandma behind to have a DW, then by all means go for it if that’s the best decision that you decide TOGETHER.
Post # 4
I would listen and say “absolutely! But let’s talk budget first, how much do plan on donating to the wedding fund to have all these must haves and must invites?”
Bah. People are so pushy.
Seriously I would not entertain detail conversation until you and your FI have your chat outlining what you want and what your budget will be.
Post # 5
I think tell you made your choice and shut down talk. I would give a minute to express their feelings though. I consulted both sides of our family and friends because we wanted them there. You might not care if your BIL there, but what your boyfriend?
As long as you know what you will be in for with a DW and you consider all options and made a plan. Then you tell them we made our choice and we aren’t talking about it anymore and move on.
Post # 6
Exactly… SO is even reconsidering putting eloping back on the table.
Post # 7
It’s. Your. Wedding.!!!!!!!! Get married the way you want, and hopefully the family that YOU CHOOSE TO INVITE are able to join you. You make your guest list, not your parents. If they are paying, then they get some say as far as the decisions, but they shouldn’t be dictating whether you invite estranged family members or family that you rarely/never see. I didn’t invite my distant relatives or ones that I hadn’t seen in the past year. If they aren’t a part of my life now, the odds are that they won’t be a part of my married life either.
Post # 8
I’m generally all for marrying any way you want – but destination weddings often do come off as a way to exclude people. I wouldn’t blame a relative who has a few kids for wondering, “Are they getting married far away instead of locally just to increase the likelihood that we won’t be able to come?”
If you can shut down this fear when it’s addressed, just a simple, “I’ve always wanted to get married in (x),” you might get a lot farther without any crap from people. You might also consider having a small dinner/barbecue reception when you get home from the wedding to involve close relatives who couldn’t make it?
As far as inviting people you don’t want to invite – you may have to be steadfast on this one. I think simply saying to people, “We’re keeping our guest list very small and confined to those we’re closest with” generally works.
Post # 9
This is precisely why our families are likely to find out the details when everyone else does. As in, when they get their invitations. We actually plan to have all of the major stuff booked by the time we announce the engagement.
Post # 10
@Sugaree: That. Is. Brilliant. I’m getting on the phone NOW!!!