Post # 1
Good morning bees… My feeling awfully stressed this morning! I’ve been engaged with my fiance since July and we’ve been together for 6 years now. Honestly, I can’t wait to marry him and make him my husband and start a family with him.
I have always been anti-divorce. I believe in vows and I believe in having a marriage based around God and doing whatever it takes to keep your spouse happy. I can honestly say that I don’t believe my FI and I will ever get divorced.
I guess a lot of this roots from the fact that every single person in my family has been divorced. My mom, my aunts, my grandparents, etc.. Even my best friend.. I know how it makes the kids feel. I was a happier kid when my parents were married (my dad left when I was about 10). Same goes for my cousins.. I have memories of all of us being sad when we would talk about how dad no longer lives at home.
I’m super optimistic about getting married. I want to give my future kids what my parents couldn’t give me. I want to stay clear of the statistic that says 50% of couples get divorced.. But now Im beginning to worry that Im confusing my optimism for being naive.
One of my cousins (8 months older than me) separated from her husband this past summer.. They were married for 2 years, and all of a sudden, he tells her that he’s fallen out of love with her and wants a divorce. He doesn’t give her any explanations or anything. he just leaves…. Well this morning, my OTHER cousin (5 years older than me) just called me and told me that she and her husband are getting a divorce. Again, he told her that he’s just been unhappy for a long time and that he found someone new. She JUST had their second baby October 29th. She’s heartbroken.
I’ve seen friends from high school and family members getting divorced and I always thought to myself “that won’t be me! that’d never be me!” But then I wonder, maybe they said the same prior to getting married.. This whole thing is really breaking my spirit. Everyone in my family is divorced. EVERYONE. How do I KNOW that won’t be me? I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown and I don’t know what to do to fix it.
Did any of you guys have this feeling of angst before getting married? i just want to have a happy family. Again, I want to give my kids what my parents failed to give me and my sister. How did you get past the anxiety?
Sorry it was so long.. Oh, and for the record, my FI and I have a GREAT relationship. We don’t have any problems, we live together in CHicago, 1300 miles away from our families, and we are truly happy.. This is just clarification in case you guys have questions.
Post # 3
@MsHeatFan: I think that the best way to ease your anxiety is to learn more about relationships than the people you know to be divorced (including your parents). Do a lot of reading and inform yourself. Compare your relationship to expert advice as opposed to people who you fear you will become?
Post # 4
I worry about divorce, I come from a family full of divorce and it’s scary the statistics (That even if we stay together, our friends might not)
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
I sometimes worry about it too. My wife and I both come from heavily divorced families… Where our parents are all on their 3rd marriages. I sometimes worry that I’ll fall into that same thinking that “oh we can just get divorced”, or that maybe I have it in my blood. I don’t know. I try to not think about it too much, because even though we aren’t religious, I still really took my vows seriously and intend to be married the rest of our lives.
Post # 6
I thought the same thing when I got married. I’d never get divorced. I didn’t want to be like my parents. Needless to say, after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids later, I ended up divorced. We just grew apart. But, our kids didn’t deserve to see us unhappy. We had a civil divorce and we are friends for the kids sake. The kids see us both happy in our current relationships and/or marriages and they see how friendly me and the xDH are when we are together. We don’t talk bad about each other. I guess it’s all how people get divorced. If they are selfish, or selfless about it. In our case, we were selfless – the kids came first in ALL aspects. Their happiness. Not ours. So because of the kids happiness, we are greatfull that our divorce was civil and we were able to move on and be happy. We teach our kids that happiness is a main part of life and for them to do what makes them happy.
Post # 7
I think everyone needs to think, “Oh, we could end up divorced one day. Something could go wrong.” It makes you more aware of where your relationship is headed. It forces you to put in all the effort you can in order to avoid that – because no one is immune. Things could fall apart. It’s up to us to prevent it and be proactive when bumps do happen.
I do agree with the PP who said to ask what happened in some of your family and friends’ marriages. I think you could learn a lot from them.
Post # 8
@MsHeatFan: I think it’s normal to worry about divorce. Just because everyone else got divorced, doesn’t mean you will.
Just be careful when you say “we have no problems”. I am not saying that you do have problems or anything, but be careful not to sweep any issues under the rug. Good communication is the key to good relationships. Unless you’re very lucky, at some point you will have some problems, and that’s ok. It’s all in how you work through them.
Indeed you can only control yourself… like if your husband decides to up and leave, you’re basically powerless.. but I think you can control (at least a bit) that you don’t get to that point. Don’t “let yourself go” physically. Keep doing things to spice the relationship up. Respect him as you would want to be respected. Deal with any issues/problems before they start festering and resentment breeds etc.
Post # 9
@MsHeatFan: i understand how you feel but i think you need to focus on what you and your fi share and your relationship rather than everyone else’s. don’t let other people’s failed marriages taint yours. if you continue to have stress, it will lead to doubt and from there it will snowball. go into your marriage with a positive attitude.
i too come from a family full of divorces. everyone in my family (except 1 aunt) have been divorced at least once, including myself and my husband.
even though there is divorce in the world, my husband and i entered our marriage with happiness and hope. we have a goal to celebrate our 40th and hopefully 50th anniversary together. (i’m 45 so i’m not looking beyond that).
again, focus on the wonderful relationship that the two of you share. be the positive influence for everyone else. set the bar high for your family and friends to see. enjoy each other.
Post # 10
Based on the examples of divorces you gave, it sounds like you’re not worried about changing your own mind about divorce, but rather that your husband will fall out of love with you all the sudden like your cousins’ husbands.
Those husbands were jerks because this apparently came out of nowhere (for your cousins, at least). The foundation of any lasting marriage is communication, and they didn’t bother talking to their wives to let them know they weren’t happy and trying to actually work on their relationships.
What is your fiance’s stance on divorce? I doubt you have any reason to feel insecure if he loves you, but I would make sure he knows how important communication is to you. If he’s unhappy, make sure he knows to talk to you about it and express his feelings. If he tends to have trouble expressing himself, maybe premarital counseling through your church could be a good option for you two.
Post # 11
Dont speak that negative word over your marriage (:
my first marriage, when i was 21, divorce wasnt a thought in my mind. I guess i was one of those people who thought it could never happen to me. Two years later, we were seperated & i had to learn all about it.
married again now, im aware that divorce is sometimes unavoidable, but not something that i constantly stress about or is my worst fear. Im in a much better place & have a much stronger relationship. Im not going to say it will never happen again because none of us know for sure, i honestly just dont think about it.
Dont let anxiety over something that may not ever happen to you make you miss out on all the good stuff!!
Post # 12
I sometimes have that fear because so many people get divorced. Of course I feel like my relationship is wonderful and I can’t imagine ever not wanting to be together, but isn’t that what everyone thinks when they get married? I’ve talked to my FI about it and he is very reassuring. Also, keep in mind that it’s not like people have a perfect relationship and then one day the husband says “I want a divorce” and that’s that. There are problems leading up to it, people may be in denial, but there have to be problems. If you communicate well and are aware of your partner’s feelings, you should be able to deal with these problems before they come to the point of divorce. Surely some problems are too great to fix, but I think if you work at keeping your partner happy and they do the same, you are not likely to get divorced. You can’t live your life in fear. I mean look, you’re probably more likely to get in a car accident than get a divorce, but you still drive your car every day don’t you? That’s why marriage is a big deal, it’s a leap of faith you’re taking with your best friend and all you can do is your best!
Post # 13
@anemonie: You got it exactly right! I love my FI more than anything. i can’t imagine ever spending my life with someone else. And he feels the same way.. He feels the same way about divorce as I do.. and we agree that communication is the most important thing. I’m confident about the man I chose to marry.
I guess what puts me on edge is, well, doesn’t EVERYONE feel this way about the person they’re going to marry? Doesn’t everyone put communication on a pedestal? I guessI wish there was a way to ensure that everything will continue to be perfect in 10, 20, 30, 40 years down the line.
I can’t imagine what my cousins are going through.. How does one use the BS excuse of “I just don’t love you anymore”??
I suppose Im just being paranoid lol
Post # 14
@RunnerBride13: 100%! My FI is also very assuring. I KNOW he loves me.. I know our feelings towards each other are completely and entirely mutual. You’re right.. I can’t live in fear.. I need to trust the man who Im going to marry, and I should trust his vows as much as he should trust mine.. Other peoples failed marriages have nothing to do with us :]
Post # 15
I am lucky to have come from a family that have great relationships and long lasting marriages. My oldest brother being married for over 10 years now and happily so, my other brother for longer, about 15 years? and my parents until death did them part. They were married in their early 20’s and my mother passed away at 65 and let me just say my mother and father went through hell and back but always made it out TOGETHER. There were arguments and fights and disagreements, nothing is perfect but they always worked it out because they knew they got married for a reason that was bigger than their bickering and that was they loved each other and meant it. My mom was ill most of my life (I’m the youngest) and my father took care of her as a doctor would and with great care the entire time.
There were times that i felt bad for him, going to work, coming back and taking care of my mom it was 2 full time jobs, he never got a break but he never wanted my mother to feel alone or unloved because of illness. He would get frustrated at times but he never thought it’d be easier to leave. I guess people are a product of their environment. I have lasting relationships to influence me which helps me to not ever think about divorce being possible.
What the 2 of them endured throughout their 44 years of marriage makes me believe that there is no room for divorce (for me personally). I have positive influence and if you believe in marriage and staying together then stick to that faith and your vows and be good to one another, don’t let the thought of divorce scare you before anything has even had the chance to start because you are setting yourself up for disaster if you do.
Post # 16
@Zellywelly: For me, it’s the opposite. Every relationship around me has failed. And I don’t want that for my life. I want my marriage to be what marriage is SUPPOSED to be. For better or worse. I don’t see divorce as an option… My FI’s situation is opposite. His parents have been married for 30 years and are still very much in love.. and he wants that same life for us. So we have the same beautiul views from 2 different situations..
I’m feeling differently now than I did when I posted this 2 days ago.. My cousin had JUST called me and I almost had a panic attack.. But I know every relationship is different, and I can see what may have gone wrong in their marriage.. So it wasn’t a total shock to me.. but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s sad.. Especially when their baby was just brought into this world.. But what can ya do? :/