Not excited about the actual wedding day? (ethnic family) (long/emotional)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t come from the same culture/ethnicity as you, but I too come from a culture where family comes first.  My FI and I originally wanted to elope in the Carribean, but both of our families freaked out when they heard and my mother flat out said she and the rest of the family will not view our marriage as being 100% legit if we did that.  So now my FI and I are doing the traditional wedding where 90-95% of the guestlist is all family. Actually to accommodate my FI’s massive family, we’re having two weddings.

The best tip I can give you is, you and your FI need to be a united front and must enforce boundaries with family consistently.  It’s obvious from your post that as independent as you and your FI are, family and your cultural traditions are still important to you.  My FI and I are the same way.  We decided to uphold the traditions that means something to us and to our families, but we’ve also personalized our wedding to who WE are and have omitted any traditions that we did not care for.  

But the most important thing here is for you to start taking a stand for who you are and what you and your FI wants to your parents, esp your mom.  My mom was (and still is) VERY insistent that we marry in a church and is very upset we’re not. After awhile, I got so fed-up with her passive-aggressive remarks I told her if she brings up the church one more time to me, we’re going to completely cancel this wedding and elope as we wanted. (She now only makes little comments to my FI when I’m not around)  Also, my MIL started going crazy with the guest list and would’ve added at least another 100 people or so saying that we must invite all this extended family that NOBODY likes or talks to,  and of course it’s like almost $200 per person for catering and she (just like your mom) insisted that those expenses were justified since it’s for the wedding and for family (and of course this additional expense comes out of our pocket and we shouldn’t be cheap and skimp on family).  My FI had to put his foot down and told her she could only invite 40 extra people, but she was not happy about this at all.  The only thing that put a stop to this guest list nightmare was when my FI gave her the facts of life and told her it was OUR wedding, and even so, we are barely inviting any of our friends to accommodate the family first.  But if she can’t stop b*tching and creating drama about this ASAP, then we’re going to take away the 40 additional guest option completely and she will not be able to invite anybody she wants at all and we will use that extra space to invite more of our friends.

Best of luck to you in your wedding planning!  It’s tough when you come from a family with strong cultural traditions.  But remember, this day IS about just you and your FI so don’t let your families forget this important fact!

Post # 3
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

 

swonderful:  I come from a very traditional Asian family.

If you really don’t want parents involved in wedding planning, don’t take their money. That’s the only way that you can truly have your say and they don’t have the right to complain. Otherwise, you will have to continue to compromise and honor their wishes. 

 

I eventually split my wedding into 2. One wedding of 50 family members. One wedding of 50 friends. I was sad about it at first, but I ended up REALLY enjoying both. I ended up just ignoring any comments naysayers had. I’m the same way – my friends are more my family. But you can’t get rid of your family. 

I stopped sharing any wedding planning details with anyone and just did what made me happy. And in the end I couldn’t be happier. 

Post # 5
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I am from a Mexican and black culture. My Nana wants me to have this huge wedding mass! YUCK. She wants to buy us a goat. Traditions ugh. Mind you we haven’t “officially” come out as engaged yet and my nana is already planning a full wedding. I am going to tell her NO. We will be using our own money so we can get a say. I will have a small wedding of 75 as my mom and his dad are both from huge families. That is as small as we can do. We will not let anyone else pay for things as then they get to have a say.

Post # 6
Member
1500 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

swonderful:  I actually counted my family wedding as the official wedding =) I explained to all my friends why the 2nd wedding was WAY later (9 months later) but they were all very, very supportive. I called the 2nd wedding a “wedding celebration” so no one was confused.

And honestly, I really had a blast even at the family wedding. It was very different – barely any alcohol, very religious, no DJ, no dancing, very few formalities, but I was so happy that day that I was getting married to my DH. I still cried during our vows. I still couldn’t stop smiling. Just don’t dread the wedding itself – think about how amazing it is to marry someone who sounds really amazing, and really, all the rest of the drama will go away. 

 

Then the friends’ wedding 9 months later… omg, PERFECT weather. We had complete control over our menu, ate everything we wanted, had wine served, had dancing, did our first dance ever (where DH surprised me with some moves I didn’t know he had), it was perfect, and a GREAT way to close out something that could have been stressful, but did not end up being. Think about it, you have a GREAT weekend with your friends to look forward to afterwards, it can’t end badly!

 

Good luck and congratulations!

Post # 9
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

sumshine.dawn:  I would love to hear more about this goat!

Post # 10
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

OMG don’t get me started on the goat!!! She is super crazy about getting all the newly wed couples or cousins who are having babies goats! She went to Mexico to get an idea of what kind of goat she wants to buy me! Sorry but I live in a two bedroom apartment with my SO we don’t even have a yard! We are both going to school so no goats! She just says “Mija, if you don’t have a goat how the will the babies get milk!” I don’t want kids till after I get my phd! She is trying to get my sister a goat. SHe is also engaged too. But her apt is a one bedroom. Even smaller. Ugh.

Post # 11
Member
439 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

sumshine.dawn:  Aquaria:  haha this sounds awesome. Tell your abuela I’ll take the goat! Lol jk

Post # 12
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

sumshine.dawn:  OMG that is hilarious! I didn’t know if you meant as a pet or to eat at your wedding! 

Post # 14
Member
2821 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

swonderful:  

My Nana is cray cray about old traditions. And don’t get me started on other traditions. Although we will have like 2 Pinantas!!

Leave a comment


Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

Find Amazing Vendors