Not excited about wedding after my mom died

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
403 posts
Helper bee

I am so sorry this is just heartbreaking, lots of hugs for you. I think it would be beautiful if you honoured and included her in your wedding somehow so that she is with you on your wedding day in some way. Some other bees have had some wonderful ideas like wearing pieces of her jewellery, perhaps if she owned any brooches you could incorporate these into your bouquet, or even dedicating small a section of the ceremony to honouring her or a prayer. Here are some links to some lovely ideas other bees have had<br />http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-to-incorporate-a-mother-who-has-passes-away-into-your-wedding/#axzz37JZ4pB9H

http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-can-i-honor-my-mother-who-is-deceased-at-the-wedding-and-ceremony/#axzz37JZ4pB9H

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  Aqua59.
Post # 3
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee

*HUGS* dear. I lost my dad a year ago. We were also super close and it’s taken a huge toll on me. I get married in March 2015 and to this point I can’t even think about him, the wedding and not end up crying. It IS hard. The wedding as you had envisioned it will not happen. As mine won’t either. My suggestion would be give yourself time. I am finding that a bit over a year now my soul is finding some solace and although as I said, there are some things I still cannot bear (walk down the isle,etc) and some wedding stuff makes me want to stop the wedding plans and just elope, I know deep down I’ve waited for this moment my hole life. In this crazy world, finding your loving fiance, a man you think you want to spend your life with is something big to celebrate. 

Maybe in time you’ll find comfort in carrying out the plans your mom had with you for the day you got married. Or maybe that feeling will never come and what will feel right is eloping. Either way, keep the most important thing in mind. This wedding needs to make TWO people happy. You and your FH. The rest of the people already had or will have their wedding, in which they can choose or chose how to do things.

For now, time is my best advice. Give yourself some more time to heal a little bit. And no. No one will ever understand how you feel. Heck, we are 6 siblings at home. Same parents. Same loss. We all feel and experience the same loss in a completely different way. Imagine people who are not really related. Feel free to message me if you need to talk some day. For now, cry all you need and have your FI hold and hug you. :’). Best.

Post # 4
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

peonytuliplove:  I am so sorry to hear this. I know first hand what your going through i also lost my mom six months ago and wanted her to give me away. This literally gave me chills because our stories are so alike. I don’t like to talk about it much that’s exactly why i haven’t shared it on this site until now.

Reading your story touched me, I am honoring my mom at my wedding and it will be a celebration. I know that she would want me to be happy and continue on with our plans to get married. It’s hard loosing a parent I get so sad sometimes, especially when i went to try on dresses i cried but i felt like she led me to my dress. I felt like she was there with me and that made me feel a little comfort.

 

I know your pain all to well and know that it isn’t easy! Hang in there!!!

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  .
Post # 5
Member
2429 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry about the loss of your mother. I think your heartache and mixed emotions about your upcoming wedding are normal — most women look forward to sharing their wedding day with the people most important to them, and there is a very real sense of loss when those people can’t be there.<br /><br />I would think of a special way to honor her during your wedding. Does she have a piece of jewelry you could wear? On my mom’s side of the family, it has become tradition to pin/sew your mother’s wedding ring inside your dress to bring good luck in your marriage. If you have access to her ring, that’s something you could consider to carry her with you on that day.

Post # 6
Member
4774 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I lost my mom 10 years ago and my dad 6 years ago. My boyfriend also lost his mom 5 years ago. We are going on a once in a life time trip and getting married while we are there. My boyfriend didn’t want a wedding and the more I thought about it the more I just couldn’t deal with plannig a wedding without our parents! When we get engaged (probably within the next month) I think it’s going to be a really hard time for us because we won’t have our parents to share it with. We did design my ring to incorporate both of our moms diamonds though so they will always be with us! I’ve also already bought my dress (long story, thought my grandpa was dying and wanted pics with him) but it was still really emotional because I wanted my mom and his mom there with me. 

Its really hard when you have these huge life moments and they are no there for the journey. I’ve had all of my high school proms, graduation and soon college graduation and wedding. Just know that with time it will get easier, but it does take awhile. Also, she is always with you in spirit, no matter what. She would want nothing else but for you to be happy. There will always be moments where you just want to curl up and cry, and it’s perfectly okay to do that. Just try to enjoy your big day and make the most of it because that’s what she would want! 

Post # 7
Member
336 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I am so sorry. I can really really relate to you on this because I too am planning a wedding without my mom. She was my best friend and always told me how my wedding day and when I had kids would be two of the best days of her life. It is sad how some of life’s happiest moments seem the hardest when you lose someone you love. It doesn’t make things any easier, but I know she would want you to be happy on your big day…smiling and enjoying the time with your new husband. Lucky for me, I have an older sister who took over that mothership role for me in many ways after she passed and has helped me alot throughout the wedding planning process. I hope you have siblings and/or friends that have been there for you too. And of course, your wonderful fiance.

As far as the wedding, I know that I am going to save a place for my mom on the big day and put hydrangeas (her favorite flowers) in the front row in her ‘place.’  I can look at that spot and smile.  Our officiant is also going to say a few words or a prayer that involves her. I am 23 but lost my mom about 2 years ago. Although it never is easy, you will get better with time. I know I hated when others would tell me that…because ‘better’ and ‘easier’ aren’t actually the right words. What I mean by that is you will find more ways to smile about the good things as time passes as opposed to cry about the sad memories (for me, I was her caretaker for 6 months and by the end she wasn’t herself…it was hard to get those memories out of my mind for a long time.) Although, it big moments in life I, too, feel your pain in thinking “I wish she was here to see this.”  I too got sad on my graduation from college and when I was getting engaged, and little moments and accomplishments throughout my teaching. Although I would encourage you to look around because you will begin to see how your mom is everywhere. From the little birds that chirp when you’re sad…even to the stranger who gives you a nice smile on a gloomy day. I know it sounds cliche, but I’ve found it to be the most true reality I have discovered throughout these years. Angels really do exist and they really do lift you up.

I can’t tell you how many times I could be having a rough day, and something would happen like a cashier saying ‘you’re so sweet, I bet your mom is proud.’ Or one day when my student randomly drew me a drawing of a flower and my mom’s favorite bird and said ‘you are amazing, never forget that!” Just little things. Could those all have been random coincidences? Sure. But when they began to be constant, my perspective of it all changed. And I suppose that is what I mean most with my comment about time making things better.  In my beginning grief, I did not think to look at these things as gifts from my mom because I was too focused on being mad the world would take such a good person away. But sometimes heaven needs angels for there to be more goodness in the world, and your mom must have been in need!

I am sorry for the really long, sappy post…but like I said before, I feel I can relate. I am sorry this is all happening so close together. But you seem to have a strong support system and I hope you can stay strong because I am sure your mom would want you happy and excited for your wedding day. <3<3

Post # 8
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think your mom will be there and with you in spirit. She would not want you to miss this day.

Nothing wrong with eloping, but if you have always wanted a wedding, maybe you should have one.

Post # 9
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

So sorry for your loss.  6 months is not a long time at all when it comes to grieving, so it is incredibly understandable that you don’t feel excited about a wedding now. So much of the wedding planning process has made me miss my mother terribly, and brought me back to the grieving period after she died (unexpected late night crying sessions and so on)….and she died 8 years ago. 

It sounds like she would have loved for you to have a wedding, so maybe waiting a bit and then planning would be the best option? And don’t worry about his family not understanding. You have gone through a terrible loss, and no one can put a number on how long you need. The pain never completely goes away (you wouldn’t want it to), but it does get better.

Post # 10
Member
1386 posts
Bumble bee

You were incredibly blessed to have a mother who loved you.  Some of us weren’t so lucky.  I sincerely hope you find some way to incorporate your mom’s memory and have a wedding you can enjoy.

Post # 11
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

peonytuliplove:  & Dreambee:  I am so sorry to hear about your recent losses. Losing a mother is a very difficult thing, especially at the time in our lives when so much is happening. I lost my mother last summer, and we essentially put getting engaged on hold because of it. The thought of dress shopping without her gets tears in my eyes. 

The thing that helps me is knowing how much she loved my SO, and loved him for me. She won’t get to see me walk down the isle or meet my children, but she did get to meet and approve of the man with whom I will spend the rest of my life- and that brings me peace. 

 

If you ever need someone to vent/cry with, or someone who understands, I’m here for you. 

Post # 12
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

p.s. I have also thought about eloping, but I can’t imagine taking away the wedding from my FMIL, just because my mother isn’t there… It feels easier, but I know I would regret not doing the whole thing.

Post # 13
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

peonytuliplove:  There is no time limit on healing or grief. When asked, I would simply respond that you both would like to just enjoy being engaged for a while or that you plan on having a long engagement. It might help take the pressure off. After all, whats the rush. You will know when your ready to start.

I lost my mother 2.5 years ago and it was still hardish through some parts of planning over the last 10 months. As my something old/blue i am using blue thin ribbon to tie my mothers charm around my ankle. My daughter got married in May and did the same, so it has now become a tradition for the females in my family 🙂 Good luck sweetheart. So sorry for your loss.

Post # 14
Member
238 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

peonytuliplove:  PS my mothers favorite thing at a wedding was the chicken dance, so we also did that and dedicated it to her. She was a happy, quirky, upbeat person so was very fitting.

Post # 15
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

peonytuliplove:  Just think what she would want you to do…. When you find the answer you will know what to do.

 

Hold on in there girl! Big hug!

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