- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2013
I’m pretty upset as I write this, so please bear with me…
As far as our actual wedding, FI and I haven’t disagreed on anything. This has been a blessing. It’s gone fairly smooth with a few bumps. We have had issues with his family, which were REALLY hard but we have learned to navigate. However, there is one issue that keeps coming up over and over again that keeps tearing me apart.
I moved in with FI and his 7 year old son in November. His son is here half the time. It was a gigantic adjustment going from mid 30 single gal to near instant step mom overnight, living in a home I did not buy. An even bigger adjustment is trying to feel at home in FI’s home. It just hasn’t happened. At all.
I have tried it all…of course I brought some things with me. I’ve bought candles in scents I like that he likes too. I’ve been collecting ideas on Pinterest. We are getting most of our rooms repainted in a few weeks in colors we both like. I’ve cleaned, straightened, organized. My dog is here….
But, this entire time FI has been such a resistant, stick in the proverbial mud. Due to this, I have backed off, allowing things to sink in for us both. When I first got here, I pulled out blue & white plates to use for dinner. Bees, I’ve dreamed of collecting these very plates for years and before I met him, my family started gifting them to me. I was so excited to have them! He took one look at them, made a face and basically put them down. He’s not by nature a mean person, but what he said was really sharp. It hurt me very much. We chatted about it multiple times and he apologized. I guess what bothered me was that he was more content to use the periwinkle blue plates he had when he was married from Target (or the heavy brown ones from the 70’s his dad gave to him) than plates I held dear to my heart. Since then, we have purchasd plain white plates we love very much and are registering for a blue and white china pattern we both like. I decided I would just collect the other things on my own.
So that was months ago and I’ve just not done or said anything about really making this place “mine”. The plate incident really hurt and I needed time to feel things out. We currently do pre-marital counseling and this is one issue that keeps coming up. FI assures me that he wants me to feel at home and wants me to have “carte blanche” when it comes decorating but when it comes down to it, he’s not supportive.
I found a garden statue on sale today. I bought it. He always tells me I don’t need his “approval”. I brought it home, really proud of purchase. He took one look, made the same face and asked what it was. I told him and he asks why I have it. It was, once again, clear that he doesn’t like it.
Bees, I swear I have good taste. I do not pick overly feminine or girly items. Even he compliments my taste, saying his ex never had any and was quite boring. He bought this home on his own after his divorce. He’s painted his son’s room a special blue he wanted. He helped his ex paint their dining room red after the model home when they were married. He’s not afraid of color. I’ve shown him a few things on Pinterest I want to do & he likes them. It’s when things are executed that it seems to be an issue.
I’m so tired of using cookware that’s not “mine or ours”, I’m tired of eating at a kitchen table he bought with his ex, I’m tired of using silverware his dad handed down, I’m sick of feeling like I don’t belong here. Their stuff is everywhere. Mine is just little bits. I never imagined this would be a battle… Feeling at home. I’m beyond envious he’s gotten to have two experiences where he’s selected his home, one being brand spanking new & all sparkly. I feel I was just thrown here. We have talked about moving but it won’t happen for another 2 years so we can pay off some things and save.
I’m beginning to feel he sees our life together as “second” so it’s not that big of a deal to him. Like he’s been there and done that sort of thing. But maybe that’s just the hurt feelings talking.
Any tips? Experiences?