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I sympathize. My wedding party members are almost all in grad school (fiance included) and simply don't have time to help me. I can handle that. But I still think that when we chat they should ask about it.
My solution was to invited two of my closeby friends who are very sweet and enthusiastic about my wedding to be my bridal attendants.
I have felt really alone in planning sometimes too, and have definitely shed some tears for it.
Thanks, Vonnegurl! I was beginning to think there would be no love from Weddingbee either, haha.
I understand when people are busy but I think it's common courtesy to respond to emails after a few days or even a WEEK! Now I think very very few people (I mean maybe 3 out of 15) can go to my bachelorette even though I made it a point to ask when they would all be available. No one objected to the chosen wkd and now no one thinks they can go. It's ridiculous. I'm sooooo frustrated!!!
It sucks mucho 
. I've been pretty lucky my BM talk to me about stuff and are really excited about my wedding but I know im in the minority. I've heard so many horror stories about BMs. I'll be honest when I was a BM I sucked, but I was also a freshmen in college and had no idea on what to do. The bride didnt really keep me updated and I was a little shocked to be asked anyway (although I love her to death!). She really wanted to do the majority of stuff by herself but I still feel a little bad that I didnt help more. Maybe your BM are unsure about what to do? Obviously the whole ignoring you part is crappy and uncalled for, but as far as other stuff maybe they are just lost? Either way it sucks and I hope they come around!!
I'm so sorry - that sucks. I only have an MOH (my sister) but both she and my mom showed little to no interest in the whole wedding until I took them dress shopping last month. My sister now has brief moments of intense interest, and I still feel like my mom couldn't care less. :(
It makes zero sense to me because I was super excited when my friends got married, even ones whose weddings I was not in. I always made sure to be very responsive to the bride to be and do anything I could to help them out. So how are my closest friends treating me this way? Seriously want to cry all the time the past two weeks.. :(
:( Is there any way you can involve the people who have been excited for you? I also asked my uncle to officiate the wedding for us, and he was so honored he called me like 5 times in 2 weeks and sent off the paperwork for it right away. I also go to my parents to be excited about things that I'm guessing other people would talk to their bridesmaids about.
After feeling down about it too many times, I gave myself a choice--talk to my bridesmaids about how MIA I've felt they've been or deal with it. I am going to talk to one of them (my sister) when I see her in person. But as for the others, I'm trying to move into the acceptance stage and focus sharing my energy with people who reciprocate it.
And thank YOU for talking about this elaineathon. I've searched the boards a few times and always felt sad when all the BM posts are about how great their BMs are. I really hope you are able to come up with an outcome that leaves you with fewer tears and more smiles. Your wedding will be one of the best days of your life!
BM drama is the worst. I have 5 BMs and 4 of them are my older sisters! The one that isn't my sister has been the most amazing. To be fair, she is a coworker. But... I have this one sister who isn't coming to my shower or bachelorette party (just b/c, no reason given) AND she will be leaving my ceremony around 7:30 (starts at 4) to put her kids to bed and not coming back. The photographer will be there longer than this bridesmaid, so pathetic.
Sorry, didn't mean to make it about me but I had to vent.
The entire reason I picked the coworker to be the 5th BM is because of how excited she was for me and she is a close friend. She was so happy when I asked her. If you have people that ARE excited for you, try to involve them. It really is a pick me up from all the people that bring you down. You are getting married! It is a big deal! Don't let anyone make you feel any different!!
come down to florida and have one with me... my MOH is 9000 milles away and the other one do not care. FSIL. My friends plan some stuff at key west so that sould be fun...
i feel the same about my bridesmade...
I can so relate, it feels like I'm doing this all on my my own too. I know they have their own lives and their own dramas, but seriously how hard is to pick a bridesmaids dress. I chose the 3rd dress I tried on, but after 2 months they can't decide what they want to wear, let alone all the other things left to organise. They haven't even asked about my dress or any other detail for that matter. It makes me want to pull my hair out.
@Vonnegurl - the one friend who has been excited for me is my MOH who is actually not going to be coming to the wedding bc she and her husband are moving to the other side of the GLOBE! It's so depressing that the one person I can rely on is no longer going to be around. I have tried to talk to my mom about it but it usually devolves into mini arguments around how much things cost or why I am doing what I am doing. It's partially a cultural barrier as my parents were born overseas. I think you are right though, I should focus on those who are actually excited for me. I have invited a couple girls to the bachelorette party whom I haven't known very long but who are really sweet and always interested in my wedding planning.
@linzetti - It must be even more painful when it's your own sisters treating you that way! Maybe they are all experiencing wedding fatigue?
@sanmonbibi - The very few girls who are interested in doing a bachelorette party with me are actually thinking about going to Miami! So you should totally come party with us. ;)
I feel for you. I have 3 bridesmaids, two of whom are wonderful and supportive and gush with me over wedding details, but live across the country. My MOH however, who is my roommate, keeps causing all this stress over the financial commitment she is putting in to be in my wedding (hello, thats part of the deal when you accept being in a wedding, and its been made clear from the first what she would need to spend - I am paying for their shoes, hair and one night of hotel stay - which I think is pretty generous). In addition, she rolls her eyes at me when I get excited about something wedding related and that's a total buzz kill. I very nearly just had a conversation with her about how she's causing me extra stress and ruining my planning experience because of her bad attitude about it all, but I really didn't want to be that bride that had to kick someone out of her wedding party, particularly someone I live with! We did have a sit-down chat about the financial stuff though, and she seems to be back on board with it, but really, if you aren't going to be supportive of the bride, don't say yes to being in her wedding! Ok, sorry, that sort of became a rant of its own but I completely understand where you are coming from. I don't think I'm an unreasonable bride but my one bridesmaid is full of the drama and its stressing me out!
I think having low expectations helps a lot. I don't feel like my BMs owe me anything besides getting the dress and showing up to the wedding, so I don't get too disappointed when they're uninvolved.
I totally agree with you, denverbirdlet - if you don't want the responsibilities of being a BM or MOH, then don't accept the offer. I think I have pretty low expectations, to GirlWithARing's point - it's pretty much universal for the BMs to plan the bachelorette party so aside from that and the dresses, I don't expect them to do anything else. I would LIKE them to ask about the wedding from time to time so I feel like they are actually interested, but it's not like I'm forcing them to help me put together favors or programs or anything.
That's how I feel about it too elainathon. I'm not expecting her to be as excited and giddy as I am, but rolling her eyes? That's about as unsupportive as you can get. And complaining about buying her dress. All I want/need from her is to not be a downer and make the financial commitment without complaints. She doesn't even have to plan anything, the other two bridesmaids are all over that part.
I think the problem stems from the bride's expectation. I personally expect nothing from mine (including the MOH). It never occured to me to expect them to do anything, and I always knew no one else would ever care about our wedding as much as FI & I do (which is saying a lot since I don't particularly care about my own!)
You can preach "tradition says that..." as much as you want, but with the reality that more and more often bridal parties are spread out across the country, the days of your bffs all stopping over on a Sunday afternoon to help you address envelopes are past. Etiquette books may tout that the MOH and BMs traditionally host a shower, but those same books will also point out that the parents are playing a larger role in that department more and more frequently, especially as more couples themselves are paying for the wedding.
I feel a lot of the "drama" could be avoided if brides spoke with the BMs right off the bat to be sure everyone is on the same page. Just because you think you "know" the way it should be or you expect something doesn't mean someone else is approaching it with the same perspective.
From what I have read, I don't think anyone in this thread who is upset about their BMs is expecting a whole lot from them. But regardless of what you expect your BMs to do for you (or not), I think there should be a basic expectation of COMMON COURTESY. Reply to emails or phone calls. Don't roll your eyes at someone when they are sharing their excitement with you. Be a friend! That's why you ask these girls to be your BMs, right? Because they are close friends? So all I expect is that they ACT like friends.
I have to say that I was feeling the same way a couple of months ago. I think as your day gets closer, the BMs get more involved. For me, I just had to remember to put it into perspective and realize that it was MY wedding, so I knew all the work that was already going into it earlier on, but for them, it's not something that occupies their thoughts as much until it's closer.
I know exactly howy ou feel.. I have 1 MOH and 3 bridesmaids, none of which really seem to care about the wedding. Or at least it doesn't feel that way. My MOH doesn't ask me how the planning is going so far, hasn't really helped in anything, was late for my first bridal gown shopping appointment and hasn't really helped with anything else. My BM's are barely there for more, except for the once a month check in on 'who else is in the bridal party' question. The exception is 1 BM who is overseas in Asia and just had a baby. I don't expect her to be involved too much.. she does inquire about the planning and chats with me about it when I see her online.. but the other two? *sigh* My parents barely say a world to me about the wedding, except to gripe about why I chose November to have the wedding and how it'll be cold and why did I choose a venue so far and blah blah blah (my guests are from Manhattan, Brooklyn and Queens.. the venue is LONG ISLAND!!). My siblings? They inquire about the wedding planning.. and then proceed to shoot down every idea or decision I've made.. so yeh.. fun.
so far my only support is my FI. and yes, my co-workers inquire more about the details than my own BP!!
I had this problem at the beginning and it drove me nuts. My own best friend even complained she had to buy a dress---I wasn't requiring a $200 dress for my girls so I was pretty hurt.
I know this doesn't help you but I did the unthinkable and told them I think I have less to try and "manage and plan" if I just nix the wedding party idea and if they would like to do something else and help out on that day I would love it. They were game.
It stinks ::hugs::
@Curlysue - wow, you got rid of your wedding party? I don't think I could do that but I'm sure it made things a lot less stressful on you!
I am really thankful for Weddingbee so I can vent but if only it wasn't a virtual community so I could talk to some of you wonderful girls in person! Over some strong drinks, hahaha.
Oh my gosh, I'm a little late to this party, but I SO feel you and sympathize with you!
I seem to be having the same issues! My coworkers, future sisters-in-law, other friends etc. ask me about the wedding all the time (I try not to bring it up unless asked..I don't want to be "that girl" who talks about nothing but her wedding) and are genuinely excited. My BMs on the other hand... *le sigh*. I don't know what their deal is!
My MOH is being wonderful, but the other girls haven't even responded to my (very friendly, casual) email that I sent as a friendly reminder re: ordering dresses. I originally asked them to order by March 1, but only my MOH did that. No one else has even responded :(
What I don't get is this: my friends are all no-drama kinds of girls...we've never had any disputes of any kind and I've been (I think) totally reasonable with them. They have a choice of six dresses and, other than standing up with me at the wedding, I haven't requested anything else from them (I've even made it clear that they AREN'T to buy us shower/wedding gifts). Why can't they just reply? Isn't it just kind of rude to ignore me? It's not making any sense.
Anyhow, all that to say that I sympathize. Thank goodness that Weddingbee provides us with such an awesome forum in which to vent!
Yeah I'm late too but I can relate! I had a mini breakdown about it a couple months ago... then I found the hive :) I agree with as it gets closer they'll get more involved. I am also a MOH in a wedding right before ours and I have done a TON of stuff for her already and I don't think my BMs have even thought about dates for parties or anything related to my wedding which hurts a little. BUT I came to the realization that I am just a planner. I like to plan and like doing wedding stuff even if it's not my own and I can't push that on the other girls. They just aren't planners I guess and I can't fault them for that... I just hope that when it comes down to the day they will be there and fully supportive, and I think they will. Just keep coming to the bee and you can gush, share, vent with us! :)
I feel the same way!! My sister and two other BM's hardly talk about or offer advice. They don't offer help either. It's hard being really far away from them but at least offer to search for things online or just ask me how it's all going if there is anything they can help with. I just feel like when the wedding comes I will be making them take care of everyyything just to make up for them not helping or being there for me before it lol I'm glad I have the hive to vent to though and go to for advice and what not. Everyone is sooo helpful!
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I know many people have posted about their BM dramas. Why is it that so many BMs are drama? Or is the bride who is drama and projecting it onto the BMs? I really don't think so, at least not in my case and many of the others I've read. It seems like a lot of BMs just don't care as much as the role of BM dictates they should.
So many other people, from coworkers to casual acquaintances to even wives/gfs of the FI, have asked me about wedding planning and been generally excited for us. My BMs NEVER ask me about our wedding. They hardly care enough to get their dresses (I received dresses for two of them 1.5 weeks ago and they have thus far ignored my emails for them to come try on/take home their dresses - not just an "I'm busy", but flat out ignored). So it shouldn't have been a surprise that they didn't have any plans for my bachelorette party. I think it's a little awkward and sad to have to ask your BMs to plan your bachelorette, and then to have to keep pushing them to carry out each stage of planning.
I had a good cry about this over the wkd and expressed to the FI my frustration of planning this wedding without being able to talk anyone about it, including my closest friends and even the FI himself! FI doesn't care about wedding details so I don't usually bother him with it but sometimes it just gets darn LONELY.
Sorry this is so long. I'm just feeling a little depressed (PMS doesn't help) and wanted to vent. :(