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Hi Bees,
I wanted to apologize for how long this post is before you start to sink into it.
So last night we were at my FIL's house for the first time since we've been engaged. The whole time at dinner no one once asked us about our wedding plans. His family is all boys (so that I guess had a lot to do with it) except for his mom who had asked me a few questions before dinner and wanted to see the ring. The whole time at dinner I'm sitting there pretty much just playing a passive role...would you believe they had an hour long conversation on old movies!!!! Like who gives a shit!!! We are here to celebrate our new enegagment UGH! Secondly, there was no wine/champagne or any sort of liquor toasting us which just made it feel like any other night along with the mundane choice of topic.
What topped the night off was after dinner was over and the rest of his family left the table we started to talk with my FMIL about the wedding (the only person who seemed to be truly excited and inquisitive about our plans). Finally! I thought someone who wants to talk about venues and decor-all the fun stuff! As a girl I would liked to have carried on most of the conversation. Instead, my FI is interjecting every two minutes correcting me or retelling the story! She asked ME not YOU. Shut up! I can speak for myself... this type of behaviour is something that he used to consistently do -butting in or finishing off my senteneces- and believe you me I've given him a firm piece of my mind on the matter, which made him stop for awhile only to start up again on what I considered to be a very important eveing! Sometimes I wish he was a little less into the planning that way I could have the spotlight. Is this selfish of me bees? I guess I should be happy that he's so into it but a part of me is not. Most brides would kill to be in my situation so why do I want to change it??!
Hmm, i appreciate that being interrupted every few seconds isn't fun, but I think in this case he was excited. That's wonderful and cute, and he was probably disappointed no one asked earlier... you may have been asked the question, but it's his story too, you know?
I agree with @lilyfaith it is his story/wedding too. He isnt really stealing your thunder being that the event has just as much to do with him as it does you. Although I completely understand the interrupting thing, that kind of stuff drives me nuts.
Hmmm... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't take this the wrong way.....
I would think you would WANT him to be excited to talkabout the wedding and/or the engagement?!? Most guys don't care... And technically isn't it HIS time to "shine" as well? He did buy you the ring, it is his family that you were sitting down to dinner w/....
I agree with the previous posters. I do think it can be annoying when people interrupt and all our men have their flaws, but I'd cut the guy some slack. Truth is, it IS his day too, not just yours! I don't really think your fiance can steal your wedding thunder! It's both of your thunder. Also, I think it would be a good thing to get used to this fact early on because you will encounter a lot of situations that you may feel are "stealing your thunder": peoples entire lives don't revolve around our weddings/engagements, so if they want to talk about other things, let them.
Ok, I think I may have come across the wrong way here. I want him to be excited and attentive to our wedding BUT not to the point where its drowing me out (literally, he drowns me out b/c when he talks it sound more like yelling)! After all, I'm the bride! Yes, he's the groom but still I thought I should have had a moment somewhere in between all of the movie talking (which my FI led that conversation as well) throughout dinner. I guess the real situation here is I'm a very talkative energetic perosn and when I'm around his family I don't feel like myself.
Well, in those cases (if R ever tries to drown me out, usually we're fake arguing in front of his family) I just give him a little punch and say, "Hey! I was talking!"
They call me feisty, but whatever... better feisty than timid, right?
I don't want to come across the wrong way, but a wedding is just as much about the groom as it is the bride. In your second post, you put "After all I'm the bride! Yes, he's the groom but..." It's just as much his day as it is yours - and seeing you were visiting HIS family, it's not surprising to me that he took the lead in telling HIS parents the story of the proposal.
Also, there will be plenty of time to talk details with everyone (it looks like you're not getting married until 2012). IMO, an engagement party/dinner isn't really the time to necessarily talk about venues and decorations, etc. Have you first talked to your FI about what HE wants for the wedding? How many guests, the formality, etc? These are decisions that you BOTH have to make TOGETHER - before talking to others about the wedding.
For the record, I agree that interrupting isn't good, but I generally expect that my FI take the lead in some of these types of conversations when it's his family we're visiting with and I tell the stories more so when it's my family.
I'd just ask him not to do it again, and cut him slack this one time. The dinner we had with the FILs after we got engaged, none of them even asked to see the ring the entire time. I told them the date, and that was it. Lame! But you just gotta get over that and be excited with the people who are excited for you, and know that people are going to ask about it over and over again so you have plenty of time to tell it :)
@Labouroflove...thank you for your post. It is refereshing to see someone who understands where I'm coming from.
However, I don't think the other posters are getting the point of my story. The major problem is: I don't feel close, loved, appreciated by my future-in-laws. No one seemed to care that I was just sitting there all night getting talked over everytime I added my two cents (they didn't even try to include me into conversation).
You have to understand...his family treats him like a baby (he's clearly a grown man) praising him for being an average guy and caters to his every need while I'm chop liver! Same thing goes with my family...especially my father. He and I have never seen eye to eye, where as he LOVES my fiance and when he's in the room its like I don't even exist. My mom is the only one who is sensitive to my feelings and makes me loved out of ALL these people. Maybe I'm a horrible person. It must sound like I'm jealous of my fiance and maybe I AM! This hurts me so to even write this because I feel so unloved right now.
Crazy Bee, no one understood where you were coming from until your last post... the title of your post is FI is stealing my thunder, not I'm feeling unloved. If this is how you feel you need to communicate with them and let FI know you feel unimportant around his family. Talk to your folks and tell them you feel like they choose FI over their own daughter. There is nothing I can say or do to make you feel better, you gotta talk to the people making you feel this way.
I think sometimes.. we have to accept that there will always be people that will disappoint us.. and it's not always because they don't love us.. it's only because peoples' loves are imperfect since people are imperfect.. and sometimes how they show love towards us is very different from what we want or expect from them but that does not mean that they are not loving us with all they have or know of..
I'm sorry you are feeling so upset--this must be difficult for you. But I really think there are some bigger issues going on here than this one dinner. From some of what you wrote, I sensed a certain amount of bitterness towards your FI (talking about his family "praising him for being an average guy"), and that's doesn't seem like the healthiest way to look at the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with. I don't want to sound harsh at all, but I think you need to take some time and seriously think about how you're feeling and what's really going on. Lots of people don't have warm fuzzy relationships with their in-laws and for me personally, I think that my mom actually does like my FI better than she likes me (LOL). I think it's cute and funny, and I can't really blame her because he's pretty fantastic. You seem really upset, and no one can tell you that what you're feeling isn't valid, but I think they are feelings that you need to work through now, rather than later. You'll be happier in the long run!
I was just trying to be empathetic with what you posted... the issue of not feeling accepted/feeling unloved is completely different.
Thanks Angela for the kind words. I don't feel like this ALL the time... one of FI's brothers has opened up to me overtime and tried to include me into conversation. The other is just a jerk and isn't even happy for us b/c he just went through a terrible break up and thinks he's destined to be alone (so there's jealousy there).
As far as my dad goes I could never do anything right.... I just have developed a MAJOR distate for him in the last couple of years so this isn't surprising that he acts this way. He didn't even give me a hug when he semi-congratulated me on getting engaged!! He was kind of indifferent about our getting engaged although I thought he would be jumping for joy b/c it would mean I would be moving out of the house soon and he wouldn't have to deal with me anymore!
As far as my in-laws go they live in a patriarchical run household. Whatever the dad says goes...no ifs and or buts! I didn't grow up in that kind of environmnet. Instead I grew up with strong vivacious women surrounding me, namely my aunt and cousin were always great inspiration to me and WE were the controllers in our family, WE women led the conversation at the dinner table not the men! So to jump in a family of all brothers who don't know how to talk to girls unless its their gf or mother (these guys have no girls that are friends, while I am very used to talking to guys-I have many guy friends) is just so weird for me. I feel so out of control with these people and frankly as a bit of a feminist feel completely powerless and disgusted by their behaviour! I feel as though I play the "good girl" role when I'm there just to conform to their expecations. It makes me sick!!!
You're third post sounds very different that your first ones. Honestly, I'm not sure if you're having issues with your FI, your parents, or his parents - or a combination of all three.
You talked about not feeling loved and appreciated. People express love differently. I actually recently bought the book "The 5 Love Languages" just to read with my FI for the fun of it. It's really interested and provides some insight into how you yourself feel loved the most, how your spouse does etc. I'm not saying that your feelings aren't valid, because they are. You've identified your feelings, so you have to decide what YOU want to do about it - you can't change how other people behave, but you can change your response.
@EvaBostonTerrier....Yes, I think you've hit it right on the money! This post should be called Jealous Bride/Evil Families.
I'm having issues with FI b/c I feel as though he is better liked amongst BOTH our families and I don't understand why? I'm more accomplished out of us two, the more friendly, cultured etc. (I feel badly for writing this but I guess deep down its just how I feel). Don't get me wrong I love my FI SOO MUCH! I wouldn't be with him if I didn't value him and thought the world of him.
I didn't come from a wealthy family-he does! My accomplishments have been successful due to my own diligence, hard work and drive (very proud of that), while he has had everything handed to him on a silver plater!!!
I have experienced a myriad of issues with his family (see above for details) those just add to my frustration with FI.
As far as my dad goes he's just a crazy old jerk! I really think he needs psychological help!
Ok, please don't get me wrong, but just because he came from "wealth" doesn't mean he didn't also have to work for what he has earned.
Marriage is about the TWO of you. Not about he or she, or I... it shouldn't be about the man OR woman being the head of house... it's about working together as co-heads. It's "giving of yourself for the good of the beloved." Not about, MY needs and MY wants and ME.
It sounds to me like you two need to sit down and discuss roles and what you are thinking of marriage and what you're expecting in your marriage... and it sounds like it needs to be done with a counselor. I understand why you're feeling hurt, but it seems your pushing a lot of your pain with your dad and other issues onto your FI and his family and their relationship... We're required to go to pre-marital counseling and I highly rec it to all engaged couples. These are things you really need to discuss with him, because it sounds like you are taking a lot out on him that honestly isn't really his fault...
My dads family is like your FI's family. None of the brothers wives ever can get in a word, especially with my uncle. Because of it, my dad isn't like that... but... when he's at the table with his family, you best believe it goes back tot he boys club. I wouldn't have it any other way... even though it IS frustrating when you try and talk and cant... :-) They're family and I love them for their faults too.
@KLP2010...Your mother must be a very understanding person b/c I would not put up with any of that Boys Club Crap!!! We DO NOT live in the 1950's where women had about as little rights as the rat in their attic, we are in 2010 and have equal rights to our male counterparts! Yes, I am a bit of a feminist. Is that such a bad thing!??? I think not.
I have kept my mouth shut and played 'good girl' role for the sake of my FI but I don't know how much longer I can keep this scherade up!
FI and I have discussed roles and have come to a fair undertanding...I do the cooking, he does the cleaning. I think 50/50 split is fair. What worries me is his parents/brothers will rub off on him and all retraining of my spoiled brat of a FI will be undone! Trust me, he has not worked hard for what he's earned. Although his family seems to think maintaining a 40 hour work week like the rest of the world is a gastrinomical achievement! Puhhh LEEZZZ!
Your FI's family sounds a lot like my husband... he has two sisters as well as a brother, but the girls are just as loud and out there as the boys are!
I don't want to try to advise on any of the deeper issues that have been touched on, but as to interacting with them or feeling left out, this is what I did: observe for a while, learn their language patterns and what little phrases or tones of voice mean "This is important" or "Pay attention to me". Then try to speak like them... yell too, if you have to! It may feel artificial at first, and it doesn't have to become your only way of speaking, but when in Rome, right? It sometimes takes in-laws a while to really "get" why their son/daughter/brother/sister is marrying this person, usually because of the old opposites attract thing. HTH!
I never bought into the notion that the big day is all about the bride. I think the groom deserves just as much attention, opinion, and story-telling as the bride does. I'm somewhat of a feminist too, and I believe that door swings both ways. I expect to have all the rights and priviledges of my future husband, and at the same time, he should expect to have the right and priviledge to share equally in our wedding spotlight.
That said, he shouldn't be interrupting you ever. It's kind of disrespectful in a way. I can see why you didn't like him "stealing your thunder." When you sit down with your FMIL to talk about wedding stuff, that's kind of a girl's time, and your FI should just go play with the boys in the other room while you gals talk. :)
As far as no one asking to see your ring, I'm actually not surprised. Only one man I know asked to see my ring when we got engaged, and that was my own father.
It seems to me like you should re-evaluate how your going to deal with your Future In Laws. Weather you like it or not if you marry your FI you will have to live with them the rest of your lives. Right now you seem to have a very negative attitude towards them and I think you need to get over it & accept them or decide how your going to deal with it before you marry into their family. Every family is different. Every family communicates and talks different. If they are a very loud talkative family you either have to speek up or sit back and soak it all in. If that's how they are that's how they are. They're not going to change to help you fit in.
It seems like you need to have a pretty in depth conversation with your FI about how his interrupting you makes you feel. (although u said you already did). He needs to repect that or if he doesn't you need to decide if you can live with it or not. It's not good to be trying to change somebody. You need to also talk to him about the family and tell him that it would be helpful if he would try to include you in more of the conversation so you feel more compfortable.
I think you have a lot more 'issues' to deal with than not being heard at the dinner table. Haven't you been engaged a little over a week with your wedding itself pretty far in the future? Seems to me you might want to relax a little before you alienate everyone who cares about you.
You've mentioned vivacious and controlling in describing your role models, but would you describe yourself the same way? If you're more of the latter and are worried about your 'training' of your fiance being undone by his brothers & family, you may want to consider some counceling to help you find some kind of balance in your thinking. You aren't talking about a puppy here!
You sound so insecure and demanding, I hope it doesn't ruin your relationship.
@December...I get what your saying about trying to learn and adapt to how they speak but I don't want to change myself. Much less change for the worst.
@Jenbrander...Finally a bee with a backbone who hasn't lost themselves in their BF, FI's, husbands!
@lacylust... I have tried to talk to him about his family in the past but in his eyes they can do no wrong. I feel like its a lost cause at this point but the stubborn part of me doesn't want to let them win!
@smyley...Knowing what little information you know about me I don't think you have the knowledge or background to describe me as insecure and demanding. That is a biased statement with no real merit to it and I think you should re-read your posts before you push send!
I'm going to go ahead and agree with what's already been said here. There definitely seems to be a lot of issues in this relationship and I would suggest seeking out a professional for the both of you to sort out these problems together. An internet forum, while helpful, isn't going to get you anywhere as far as your relationship issues go.
In all honesty, you seem like you posted here to find people to agree with your situation, and since the majority of them aren't 100% agreeing with you, you're going on the defensive when really, these people are just trying to be helpful and help you see the situation from more than just your own angle.
edit: "finally a bee with a backbone" ...wow.
Wow--I don't know how this thread has gotten where it's gotten. But we've gone from you being upset that your FI interrupted you at dinner with his family to discussing your "spoiled brat of a FI" who doesn't work very hard, your insistence that you won't change, and your concern that your "training" of him might be undone. All of these things are very troublesome, and I'll be honest, I don't think they have a lot to do with the original problem. You're attacking other bees--"finally a bee with a backbone"--which is not what the Hive is about. I agree with PP, I think a counselor might be a good idea, because I'm not sure that you're in a good place with regards to your impending marriage. Maybe a little time and a little more maturity will help, but some very serious conversations in the meantime would be a good idea. Good luck.
I agree with Rainbow. It sounds like you just wanted someone to coddle you and say, "yes, you are right. He was being so rude and insensitive."
Now, because I don't know your full situation, I can't respond to the unloved comments. But, just sit back and think about this for a minute. Is this all in your head because you have romanticized this idea of what being engaged was and expect everyone else to conform to how you feel? It's you and your FI's wedding, there is a strong possibility that the other 7 billion people on this earth may not be as excited as you are. And, if someone wants to know how he feels, that's ok, too.
@rainbow.... Your statement couldn't be further from the truth. I am not trying to defend myself. Secondly, FI and I are fine. These issues are between myself and his family. I love my fiance and have no complaints where is concerned.
And no, I will not "edit" my statement. From what I see here many of you ladies have lost yourselvs in your SO and have no self respect. You fill your time by agreeing to everything your SO says and does -as if their your masters. Give me a break. When did marriage become obey thy master?!
I feel like you are in a very emotional state as you're writing right now and might not be thinking clearly. I can only hope that you don't actually feel this way. Honestly, why are you marrying him if you feel that he's a spoiled brat you need to train? Would you say these things about him and his family to his face? If you think so horribly of him, how can you say that you two are fine?
EDIT
PS Just because someone doesn't train and control their FI doesn't mean they "obey" him. There is such as thing as having equal roles in the relationship - maybe you should try to get there in yours.
I don't think anyone implied that they are second to their husband/SO... respect has to go both ways.
If everyone read closely that is exactly what they are implying. Much of the 'constructive" advice I've received is that I should be changing for him and his family! I'm sorry but if two people are equal the nobody should be doing any changing.
Well, I wouldn't think much of it, I mean none of us were there so we can't really say, but it sounds to me like he's excited.
Despite popular belief this day is not all about YOU, it's just as much his day.
Based on your responses to people I think that you need to really evaluate things. Thankfully you have a LONG engagement so you do have time to work things out. I agree with most of what was said and I do think you need to step back, you have a long time before you get married so there's no need to go attacking other people because they don't agree with you. I don't want to be rude but you are coming off as very selfish and that is something you definitely don't want going into a long committed relationship. Like I said, none of us were there, but just by going what you are saying I think you're a bit over the top--but yeah, keep that engagement long, it seems you two have a lot to work out.
Also, it's sexist to think that the groom can't be involved in the details of the wedding, and saying they should go off and hang out with the guys because it's more of girl thing. If the role was reversed and they said it was more of a guy thing, you'd be all up in his face telling him how wrong he was. So, please, don't go making such sexist assumptions.
Edit: "And no, I will not "edit" my statement. From what I see here many of you ladies have lost yourselvs in your SO and have no self respect. You fill your time by agreeing to everything your SO says and does -as if their your masters. Give me a break. When did marriage become obey thy master?!"
Wow. No one said to obey your significant other as if they were their master. It's more a matter of coming up with solution to whatever problem is afoot and compromise. Telling us we have no self-respect is one thing, but it's clear you don't have much respect for him at all.
You have no issues with your FI, but you're calling him a spoiled brat and average and saying that you "trained" him? Think about it this way- how would he feel if he read these things that you're saying about him?
While you may have issues with your family, often times people carry familial issues over into their relationships- which, from what you said, it sounds like that's what's happening. You've already claimed that you're jealous of him. That's not healthy, and neither is speaking about him as you have in your previous posts.
As I said, it sounds like you two should see someone about your issues. Whether you do that or not is up to you, but you're obviously on edge about the situation, judging by your reactions.
If you feel like the majority (hence, finally a bee with a backbone) of the women here have lost themselves in their FI and have no self-respect, please tell me why you continue to take part in this community? I know if I felt that I was in a community dissimilar to my beliefs (how ever incorrect of imagined it may be) I would simply disassociate myself with that community.
And please tell me how you know that these women agree to everything their FI says and does as if he's their master? You haven't met these women, you don't know about their day to day lives, yet you'remaking a gross general assumption because you seem to be on the defensive and projecting your own angry, bitter feelings toward the rest of the community here.
Need I remind you, that is not what WB is about. We're a supportive group of women who can share their thoughts and beliefs, no matter how different, without attacking eachother. We can gracefully agree to disagree, which is obviously something that not everyone is capable of.
But you're clearly ignoring the posts you don't want to read... I mean, I posted about sticking up for myself when we're joking around in front of his family, and you didn't even acknowledge that. To say "finally a bee with a backbone" when the whole hive has been trying to help you out is just rude. You're in no place to judge our relationships and I can say from having gotten to know the bees on this forum that the vast majority of us are in equal relationships. In fact, most of the responses on here have had to do with this being as much the groom's wedding as it is the bride's - what's more equal than that?
@Gingercurls...First of all. I never said that wedding planning is a girl thing and that he should hang out with the guys, another poster did (about the only person on this website who has some sensibility)!!!
And that is actually not our wedding date. We haven't decided on one yet so I just put that one up but we are leaning towards 2011
@rainbow...Who made you wedding bee President!?? Take a chill pill girl!
Maybe you should go make a posting guide booklet when your not too busy doting on your SO.
Well, you seemed to wholeheartedly agree with her since she is the only one with sense after all? I'm assuming that she would read it so it wasn't completely directed towards you (just more of a it's not just the brides day kind of thing). And yes, the longer the engagement the better, you seem young so it's best to wait.
I could not have said it better myself!
Also, I think it's about time this thread was flagged, it's not getting anywhere.
Yikes! Someone posted recently about whether girls ask questions here looking for legitimate suggestions, opinions and advice or if they just want to be agreed with and have their decisions and grievances reinforced. I'm just sayin'...
I never said I was president, I'm simply sticking up for a community of great women whom you're attacking.
And as a matter of fact, there are rules about posting, maybe you should check them out.
@Gingercurls....the reason this thread isn't getting anywhere is b/c of people like yourself...and no it is not proper to PUT WORDS in my mouth. Just because I may or may not agree with something doesn't mean you have the right to cite that as my statement!
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