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My fiance and I got engaged young. We started dating when we were 16, and he gave me a promise ring on my 17th birthday. He proposed on Valentine's Day after we'd been dating for two years, and we were both 18 (my rule, for posterity's sake, and so my dad didn't have a heart attack). Because of all this, I've always been seen as a "young bride". You know the reaction -- the double-take when you say "fiance" instead of "boyfriend", the questions about your age, the shocked look. At first, it bugged me, but now I've gotten used to it, and I kind of even like breaking the stereotype.
Which brings me to the real thing that's bugging me: by the time we actually get married, my fiance and I won't be "young" anymore. For financial reasons (and pressure from both sets of parents), we're not getting married until we both graduate from university. By the time we actually tie the knot, we'll be 22 -- and will have been engaged for almost four years. And yes, I know that 22 is still considered to be getting hitched early. But it's...kind of frustrating.
I think part of it is our long engagement (no one likes to see couples who meet each other after you get married before you -- which is already happening to us!), and part of it is just losing that shock value with people. Their first reaction when I tell them I'm engaged is that wide-eyed look, and then they as what the date is. When I mention that we're waiting until we graduate (another 3 years), their eyes kind of glaze over and the usual comment is about how "sensible" and "practical" we're being. Which is TRUE, but still. I even get this from other brides who come into my work to get things printed for their weddings, which irritates me a little. Just because I'm having a long engagement doesn't mean I'm not excited!
Do any of the rest of you "young brides" feel like, after a while, you start to like the shock value when you tell people your age? Would you miss it if people stopped having that reaction? Or am I just being an attention you-know-what?
I never got the "shock value" of being young and engaged (22 when engaged, 23 when married) possibly because I don't come across as young. But even when I got the occassional comment, I never really cared if they thought i was too young! I much prefered if they thought i was older. Being told you're sensible and practical is a compliment I think!
Well, I don't know if I would say you're being an "attention you-know-what" but I think maybe you should take some time to refocus on your relationship rather than how other people see it. We're having a 2 1/2 year engagement and yes, people are less excited to talk about planning with it so far off. But honestly? I'm grateful! Because once they want to talk about planning, I'm going to have to deal with the 35847684367893467 things that we're doing that more traditional family members will frown upon. I love this time when only my close friends want to talk about planning!
Every couple is different. Because we got together at 14 and never broke up, we have had many MANY couples meet and date after us, and get married before us. It doesn't bother me because I know why we're waiting, and I stand by those reasons. Their relationships aren't "better" for moving faster, they're just different.
ETA: We were 19 when we got engaged, and will be 22 when we get married. There wasn't any shock value for the people that know us, and while I couldn't care less what people think, it's good to know that our families stand behind us.
I do not think there is any appeal to getting married young. Live life. I think the more you go through, the more you know yourself and the more ready you are to be with another because you have experiened things already. What I mean is- if I had married my first boyfriend- yikes! I have gone through so much since then, and life experience changes you and helps you to realize better who you are.
But that's just me. I do not see getting married young as a "better" thing. My grandpa always said to "date as much as you can before you choose." While this was NEVER my intention (I wanted to marry my first) I am so glad it worked out this way. While it was a pain in the butt going through those years, I am better because of them. I have experienced being completely alone, experienced going on spontaneous road trips to Cali, experienced making mistakes. The list goes on. Maybe getting married young would be good if you are one of those lucky people that knows all about themselves at a young age, but for me, I am that much better for our marriage because of just a few extra years under my belt.
You are still young, and I guess I think that waiting is a good thing.
My husband and I were engaged for 3 years because we were waiting until we finished college. Some people didn't take us seriously because of the longer engagement but who cares? It isn't their relationship, it is yours. A lot of people still think that getting marreid at 22 is young.
@cbee: I didn't see the appeal in getting married young either...until I got engaged at 18. My life plan was to not even date until I was finished university, and I'm happy that that didn't work out, because now I get to spend more time with the love of my life. : )
The only experience I had with that was when I told a store clerk I was engaged and getting married in 2 months and she gave me the "are you crazy for getting married so young" look (btw, I was 4 days shy of my 28th birthday when we got married). She finally asked how old I was and I told her and she was like, "Oh, I thought you were one of those young kids getting married." Bless that woman. I wanted to hug her and give her a kiss for thinking I looked like I was still in my early 20s. LOL
I really don't think the shock value of your age is something you should worry about. Ejs was totally right when saying being sensible and practical is a compliment. Do you want people going, "HOLY CRAP...You're only 19 and getting married? Are you crazy???" (the shock value version) or do you want people respecting you for being sensible and practical? My parents were married at 18 and 19 and I still shake my head at the thought of getting married that young. It worked for them, they're coming up on 32 years in June, but it's DEFINITELY something they never recommended. My dad would have been FURIOUS if I had even considered getting married before I graduated college...which worked out fine for me beings I never wanted to get married until I was atleast 25. lol
Also, remember that age is mostly just a number. Everyone seems young to someone. Getting married at 19 may seem young to someone who got married at 23....and someone who got married at 23 seems very young to me considering I was married at 28...and to someone who is 35, getting married at 28 may seem young. It's all relative.
I find it a bit odd that you're anxious for some sort of knee-jerk reaction from people. Congrats & well-wishes, I would think, are more common expectations. Since I personally view an engagement as the period of time it take to plan a wedding, having an extended engagement seems pointless to me.
@twalila: Well, I am a little odd. : p I think it's mostly that I've gotten defensive about it -- I've gotten used to having to defend my choices & my wedding to people, and I guess that I don't feel "relieved" that I don't have to. Instead, I feel like all the defending I've done is all for naught? Like I said, it's weird. And I don't really expect congrats, because most people just go from knee-jerk shock to "oh, how nice that you're being practical and waiting". As for the engagement being the period of time it takes to plan a wedding, that's your opinion and it's fine, but I personally view it as a symbol of your commitment. When you're 19 and you say "boyfriend", people picture a fling, which is why we decided to step it up to "fiance" (which then started the other issue -- I can't wait until we're finally married!).
I understand what you're saying about shock value. Most people think I'm an undergrad when they meet me (no I don't wear UGGs and tights with a too tight shirt) but I do dress casually since in my dept we work with some nasty stuff (everyone dresses casually). So I have started noticing people's reactions when I say, nope, sorry I'm one of your teachers, and kinda started to like the shock. Different situation but I get what you're saying.
Ok really honest opinion here, not meant to offend anyone...
If you know you love eachother and want to spend your lives together, what's the rush to say you're engaged? Can you be committed to eachother without a ring? From your post, it sounds like maybe you liked the attention and now it's starting to wear off and other people aren't taking you seriously? This is just my opinion, but when somebody tells me they're engaged, but they are waiting for 3+ years (bc of school, etc), then why not wait to be officially engaged until then? Enjoy college! It doesn't mean you have to run around and behave badly but why tie yourself down with picking out china patterns? Enjoy eachother and your relationship while you're still young!
I would personally be wary of being really focused on weddings right now, this is the time in your life to develop personal interests and hobbies and explore a world full of possibilities...don't get so caught up in "wedding world" that you forget about what's most important in life.
Everyone is different and every relationship is different and if this is the best for you, that's great! You are truly lucky to have found the love of your life. But with a long engagement, I think you're going to find less attention until much closer to the actual date.
A lot of people look at me weird when I tell them I'm engaged. I'm 22 but I guess I look a bit younger (maybe I'll enjoy that when I'm older lol). I think most of it is my friends who are still in party mode and I've never been a huge partier so to my fiance and I it was the perfect decision for us. He started University late so he's wanting to wait until he's done to get married like you guys and I don't really enjoy people brushing off my wedding just because it's far away either. I'm still crazy excited and if I could have it tomorrow I would, but in the long run it makes more sense to wait and save up money. Regardless of when the wedding is though, people should still say congratulations and it sucks that some people are kinda rude and focus too much on your age instead of showing their happiness for you.
@PinkPinstripes: No offence taken. : ) We got engaged because both of us felt that we needed a word to describe each other that conveyed more than "boyfriend/girlfriend" does (especially in University, where most peoples' significant others' change every second week). So...I guess you could say we did it for the "attention", but it was more that we wanted to be taken seriously (which, like I said above, didn't really work, enter defensiveness and now the general feeling of loss when something I've been working to defend, i.e. getting married young, is perceived as "gone"). We also got engaged for ourselves, because it's a symbol of commitment to both of us, and it's important to us. Neither of us treats the engagement period as the "wedding planning time". : ) In fact, the only time I usually think about it is when I'm off from school (like I am now). When in school, I'm not picking out china patterns -- I'm studying, going to class, and holding hands with my fiance in my spare time (which isn't much). Being able to call each other "fiance" means a lot to us, because we don't see each other that much (usually about 4-5 hours a week)...it's a symbol, a word, a commitment we can lean on during our time apart (and no, it's not as bad as an LDR, but it's what's right for us). As for having time for hobbies and finding out who I am...I think I can find out who I am whilst wearing a ring on my finger, and I don't have much time for hobbies anyways. I read, I chat with my fiance, and I make cards, and that's pretty much it.
My fiance and I are both young, he graduated high school the year after I did and went into the Army while I'm here in college, we just got engaged this February, but we aren't planning on getting married til next summer when I am graduated. I kind of know how you feel about being young and everyone questioning if we know what we are doing. I also know how hard and frustrating it can be to wait so long to get married, and I wish all the time that we could get married sooner.
I know it's important to want to please the parents, but I would still say do what you feel is right for you. If you think it is best to wait til then to get married then go for it! But if you feel like you want to get married sooner and that it would be ok for you and your fiance to do so then I say do it!
@summerlove22: "I'm still crazy excited and if I could have it tomorrow I would" EXACTLY! : ) Why can't people understand that? Sigh. Thanks for giving me those words.
@troubled: Yeah, after a while the shock value kind of becomes a bit of an inside-joke-slash-something-to-defend...you get used to it, I guess, just like anything else. And just like anything else, when you perceive it as "leaving", you feel a little bit of loss. Thanks for understanding.
@ PinkPinstripes: My thoughts exactly.
On a personal note, I have found the engagement period to be an exceedingly tedious little phase. I'll be glad when it is over.
My issue was opposite. I got engaged at 23 but that was after dating since we were 17. People were always shocked that we were waiting so long to get engaged, but people would always say that we were being sensible for waiting. Now that we are engaged people are so happy and don't think that we are too young. I am honestly glad that we did wait because FH is in a better place financially and we are more mature. I am really glad that people aren't making comments about my age because it has always bothered me (we are both the youngest).
I'm sorry people's reactions are hurting your feelings. Like I said before, you are very lucky to have found the "one". Maybe they are a little jealous? Or they don't know a polite thing to say? Even if their eyes glaze over, just take it with a smile and forget it.
I think part of my opinion comes from a girl I knew in college who literally aged 10+ years when she became engaged our freshman year and I just kept thinking, WAIT! Your youth is being trampled!!
It sounds like you and your FI have a very healthy, balanced life. It's hard to ignore when people around you question your decision. I'm 24 and have heard comments that I'm too young! (and my FI will be 26 on our wedding day and I'll be 1 month shy of my 26th birthday!). But if you keep strength together, you'll get through anything :)
I'm happy that you're happy, but (and I'm about to sound really old and annoying here) it sounds like you don't yet understand that it DOES NOT MATTER what other people think. you and your fiance should do what makes you happy, and laugh off what other people have to say about it. really. you'll be the bigger person for doing so.
Oh man! I'm in the same boat!
I'm a young bride to be. We got engaged at ages 21 and 22 (for him). This was at the beginning of our senior year of college. We had to push back the wedding a year later than we had originally thought, which left us with a 2.5 year engagment. Im 22 now (soon to be 23) and will be 23 when I get married (he'll be 24).
When we first got engaged (way back in 2009) and we told people the wedding wasn't until 2011, their excitment kind of died down and they were like "oh." I was like, really? It's still exciting! So what if we have a couple more years to wait? Long engagments do kind of seem like a drag (not for us future brides, but from the reactions you get from people), but I promise you, it does get better! Next month, we'll be a year away, and when people hear that you're getting married in a year, they get really excited! It's about time everyone got excited - Ive been excited for the last year and a half! lol
But seriously, it's great you're wait until you're done with school. Had we kept out original date, I would have had to have been booking vendors a year before the wedding - which would have been the same time I was graduating. Looking back, there's no way I could have done it! It would've been so much work! And this way. you can enjoy school without having wedding stress, but still look forward to the future :-D.
Good luck!
(oh and ps- forget everyone else, Im excited for you!)
Pinkpinstripes, why wait to get engaged? I am always so confused by couples who say they are planning to get married 'eventually' but aren't engaged (I always suspect one or the other party is lying either to themselves or each other). If you plan to marry each other and you're sure why wouldn't you call it what it is, which is an engagement, you know? Is it supposed to be a secret? So I guess different people just define and view engagements differently.
I totally get it that once you've gotten used to something unpleasant/difficult it can feel like the rug being pulled from under your feet when it disapears. We've all had that experience where you're pushing aginst a door that's sticking and when it suddenly gives you end up on your ass. :)
We all define ourselves partially by how others see us and treat us and part of that definition for you has been 'young bride' and it's naturally to feel a little at a loss. Like, 'all you people have labeled me X and now just when I get used to being proud of X you're telling me I'm not X anymore, ahgr'.
But I think it's just a matter of time to get used to it. It's important to know who you are but the things one defines oneself by change all the time.
It worries me that you got engaged just to call each other fiance, but I get where you're coming from as long as the commitment is the same level it would be if you got engaged and you weren't worried about what other people thought.
I totally understand the feeling of needing to be defensive. I got engaged at 18. BUT being defensive (as hard as it is not to) doesn't really get you anywhere, because in all honesty others will think that because you have not lived as long as them, experience will teach you that they are right. More often than not they will assume this. And in most cases of 19 year olds they will be correct, so it's just something that the rest of young brides who are going to have a successful (also meaning happy IMO!) marriage will have to learn to deal with! Despite the fact that strangers or people on the internet may think that it's not the right decision for any 19 year old, and despite the fact that even some of those close to you might think it's the wrong decision, people will get used to it (in real life) and if you act like an adult, they will most likely start to treat you like one. I think it's a very adult decision to make sure school is going to happen before the wedding or to at least have a solid financial plan! We are graduating a month and a half after our wedding (but only easy summer school classes and we'll be working) after a 2.5 year engagement so I can totally relate to watching other people get engaged (or even just start dating) and get married in that time period!
I get what pinkpinstripes is saying about living life now. I got engaged freshman year of college and did miss out on a lot of the "normal" things...but actually I don't regret it. We knew we would be sacrificing. But marriage and having children and making a life together means a different thing to us than it does to others and it falls high on our priority lists. We did an okay job of balancing. The hardest part has by far been $$ stress. The 2.5 years meant a lot to us in the way of learning how to deal, so be happy you'll have that figured out by 22! :)
Whew, loooong reply ahead:
@JenaeAnne: Thanks for the support. : ) Good luck with your wedding – and congrats to you and your fiancé.
@trugem: Good to know that at least there are some good things about waiting this long. : ) I definitely don’t want to get married only to find myself in so much debt that I regret it. I’m glad we’re waiting – on some level. I’m just not thrilled with people’s reactions, I guess.
@PinkPinstripes: Oh, don’t worry – I was middle-aged at heart before I started dating my fiancé. : D If anything, he makes me behave younger! (Hee.)
@nank: Thanks. And I know, I really shouldn’t care so much about what other people think, but I guess sometimes it just gets to me.
@ColorCoated: Yes! Still exciting! Thank you – once again, you bees take the words right out of my mouth. : D At least I can focus on how it’ll get better once it’s coming up sooner! It’ll be six months to the date and they’ll ask “so when did you start planning”, and I’ll say “three years ago – now I’m just waiting for everything to happen!”, and they’ll fall over. Hah! (Not really, though. My fiancé will probably procrastinate, so there’ll still be things to do! : D) Thanks for the luck! Have some yourself. : )
@Arachna: I think I see an engagement as the same thing as you – a public display of your intent to join your lives. : ) I guess other people see it differently. Might be interesting to do a poll…. “We've all had that experience where you're pushing aginst a door that's sticking and when it suddenly gives you end up on your ass.” & “We all define ourselves partially by how others see us and treat us and part of that definition for you has been 'young bride' and it's naturally to feel a little at a loss. Like, 'all you people have labeled me X and now just when I get used to being proud of X you're telling me I'm not X anymore, ahgr'.” You have just managed to say what I have been stumbling over for a month now! : D Thanks for the support.
@jslsbride62610: It’s more that we got engaged as a public symbol – like I’ve said above, I view engagement as betrothal (a demonstration of your intent to get married). My issue is that when we were still calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend, to us those words meant something less serious than what we were (and, lets face it, labels are important – they help us understand things). So, while we got engaged to “call each other fiancé/fiancée”, it was a bit…more thought out than it seems? “BUT being defensive (as hard as it is not to) doesn't really get you anywhere, because in all honesty others will think that because you have not lived as long as them, experience will teach you that they are right.” *nods thoughtfully* You have a good point, there. I guess I’ve just gotten so used to feeling like I HAVE to defend us as a couple, that I’ve forgotten to realize that it doesn’t really matter what I say, it won’t change a perfect stranger’s perceptions. “I got engaged freshman year of college and did miss out on a lot of the "normal" things...but actually I don't regret it.” Ditto. Then again, I never really planned to be involved in the normal things like clubbing and dating around, so that could just be me, not me in a relationship. : D
This brought up something that is a really interesting point to me, which is: what is the meaning/point of being engaged? I always thought being engaged meant being ready and able to plan a wedding, and that it was the actual period during which you DID plan a wedding. My man and I knew we wanted to get married fairly long before we got engaged, but we weren't a position financially (even for a ring) or with our schedules where it would be possible, so we waited until we were.
But I can see that the majority of this thread probably has a different opinion on this! It seems a lot of you want engagement to just be public proclamation of your intentions to marry at some point, and some subset of that will actually be spent planning the wedding.
I'm definitely not saying either one of us is more correct than the other, I just think this is interesting. Especially because I never fully realized so many people saw it this way! I will say that I sometimes wish I had had a longer engagement. Oh well!
@ jsls and Jenniphyr: as a general rule, I'm one of those people who don't think young engagements/marriages are a good idea. Blanket statements are dumb, and I don't know your situations, but in the abstract, that is just how I feel. But you know what opinions are like, everyone has one.
I bring it up only to say, when I have that thought, I am NEVER thinking, "oh, what about clubbing and dating around!?" I did both while single, but that certainly isn't what I think is important about the early 20s. I am thinking much more about the experimentation that youth allows. When you are a young adult, you get to try out a whole bunch of different versions of yourself. I know I tried out globe trotter, and politico, and artsy, and hipster, and activist, and philosopher, and even Mary Kay saleswoman (!!!), when I was your age. And those are just a few of the things I experimented with. My concern about marriage at a young age is that I have seen SO MANY friends get married young, and then divorce when their spouse emerged at age 26 as a totally different person than they were at 20. There is no magical number when you become a fully formed human being, but the changes at that age are usually the most drastic.
So, I don't know you, nothing I am saying should be taken as directed at either of you, but I wanted to explain why I agreed with PinkPinstripes. It is so not about clubbing or dating around. My concern is about the growing pains/joys of the early 20s. My wedding wish for you both is that you and your future spouses grow together gracefully.
@carmel bride: LOL! The exact same thought came to me (but reversed). : D I see you've commented in my other thread already. Should be interesting to see what people think.
@monitajb: It's a good point -- and no offence taken. : ) Thank you for the well wishes.
@ carmel: I also think that distinction is interesting. I'm in your boat, we only got engaged when we decided, okay, now we are going to plan a wedding. We waited until the day I graduated from law school (though the day I started my job was the real momentous one for FI 
).
I was interested enough to actually go read about engagement on wikipedia, and that gave me a broader view. Engagements have historically often been very long, and sometimes even between children. In this day when dating can entail a lot of commitment, I didn't feel any pressure to "put a ring on it" to make it more official, but I can totally see that POV.
@monitajb - I really agree with what I took as your core message (it's important to have your own identity before getting married, or even living together) but I'm just curious what you think about in regards to couples who wouldn't change their lifestyle just because they didn't get married. I'm going to use myself as example just because I'm not creative enough to think of a different situation, but I'm not easily offended, and I'm just asking this because I'm genuinely curious, so feel free to be honest! R and I live together, have cats together, are in the process of adopting a dog together, and have a life together. It's been a long time since anything has really been "mine" or "his" since we've been together for so long. Our date is set so that we'll be married at 22, but say we pushed it back so we'd be 26 - for those four years, we'd still live the same way. We'd continue to move together for grad school, make decisions mutually, etc.
I suppose one could argue that should we find ourselves completely different people who wanted out of our relationship, we wouldn't have a divorce to go through. But I honestly don't believe it would be any less messy, because our lives are so intertwined. That's my main problem with that argument - I think it kind of assumes that the young couple will make decisions as singles still, when we really don't.
Jenniphyr, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to thread hijack!
@ lilyfaith: Honestly, I think it is hard to underestimate the difference between a breakup of a serious relationship and a divorce. It is the difference, IMO, between something not working out, and a failure. Both are painful and difficult, but one follows you the rest of your life, and the other doesn't. My view may be tainted by the fact that I have very different baggage from my FI: I broke off a five year relationship with my HS sweetheart, he divorced his.
But, related to my earlier post, this is why I advocate waiting to marry: FI and I met while I was in my last year of undergrad. Right after I graduated, he got his dream job in California, while we lived in Ohio. We knew we had something special, and I decided I would probably move out here with him. BUT, I decided to move to DC first for a little while to give a career in federal politics a shot. I am so glad I had that freedom. I ended up choosing him and California, but I'm glad we didn't rush into the commitment we knew was possible. It would have been terribly hard to choose a great career over my now FI, but I am glad I got to make that choice while we could have parted ways amicably.
Maybe you wouldn't take the job in DC, that's just where you are at. I am also the person who would encourage you to give it a try. In your situation, I would encourage you both to see where the chips fall in terms of grad school, then make a choice. That is just where I come from.
@monitajb: No worries! Discussions are always interesting, and I am a tangent person. : D
@monita - you make really good points, and thanks for sharing your perspective. I think that perhaps it's simply a matter of what is right for each couple when it comes down to it. We each know ourselves, and I know that most people have a really hard time imagining getting into a relationship as early as we did. In regards to the failure of a marriage versus a relationship, you're probably more qualified to comment on it than I am, but I have always viewed marriage in and of itself as a very symbolic thing. I appreciate the rights that it grants, and I do know that certain things will change when we get married. But (and maybe this is because of how strongly I feel re: LGBT marriage rights) I just can't see marriage as a legal agreement as philosophically more than a marriage of two people in the purest form, as an agreement between two people to spend the rest of their lives together.
ETA: in regards to grad school, we will be married right beforehand. Our system right now is that R is applying to 3 vet schools, and I am applying to Psych grad programs in all the same places, plus nearby ones. I am also applying to one where we live now. If we get in to different places, we'll evaluate then. If one person gets in and the other doesn't, we'll go there. He's doing accelerated nursing if he doesn't get in, since he already does CNA work. I'll be doing lower level clinical work if I don't get in.
i got very little shock factor...i'm 22...will be 23 by the wedding time, he'll be 24 by wedding time.
i have a WHOLE 'nother thing to worry ab being judged on - how long we dated before getting engaged.
but, i dont have to justify that to anyone....we met online when we were 13 and stayed in touch thru HS and college, met after graduation and bam....fell in love. we always kinda wondered if we were suppose to be together, but i'm from SC and he's from pitt....but we're perfect.
so basically i'm trying to say its no one's business but your own how you live your life. =)
all that matters is that you love each other!
i must admit i have to agree that for financial reasons to wait until after college...as my fiancee will have to support me thru my last year of college....then later grad school! haha
but do what makes you happy =)
ETA: My fiance has asked me to add that part of it was due to family viewing our relationship as non-serious because we weren't engaged yet. So, not everyone doing the judging was a perfect stranger.
@ lilyfaith: You actually touched on just what I meant with regards to the difference between a serious relationship ending and a marriage ending. I know my FI didn't have children or property or serious debt to worry about. It was, legally, a very easy divorce. But they had made vows to eachother that they had to break.
I think people change SO MUCH after 25. I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought my college boyfriend was forever, and I'm so glad we broke up before we got hitched (and I still think he's a wonderful guy - and vice-versa - but looking back, we would not have been happy today, even though we blissfully dated for 2.5 years).
My sister has always said "married life is FOREVER, the only thing that is temporary is your single without kids status, why hurry?" (and yep, she got married young and had kids right away.
I have always been "mature for my age" but even then I changed so much in my 20's, everyone does. I'm so happy that when I finally met FI, we were both ready, and knew what we wanted and didn't want. There's really no reason to hurry. Even if you KNOW, you'd be surprised where life brings you in a few years. People still have a lot of growing up to do in their 20's.
(That isn't to say that I don't know people who got married straight after college and are still very happy today, in their early 30's. I just know so many MORE people that did that and are now divorced though.)
monitajb- No offence taken! :)
I mean like you said, blanket statements don't apply to all. I'm 20 and will be 20 when I get married, yes. But then again most 20 year olds aren't independent or college grads (I will be for a little under half of my 20 year old self! Yay!) or even interested in getting married anytime soon! Anyway, what I was trying to say to the OP is that you don't need EVERYONE'S approval, and I mean that in the most non offensive way possible. It's good to discuss but ultimately you need to decide whose opinions are important.
As far as what you are saying about exploring who you are, strangely, I feel the most comfortable and the most "me" for lack of better words, now, more than ever. I don't know what it would have been like without being engaged, but I feel really comfortable with myself and as a result am less insecure. I think it's important to know yourself to a point, but I think in general what works in younger brides' favor is flexibility because you aren't so rigidly defined yet. However, this can also be a negative factor because there is a difference between a formative marriage and not being able to function on your own or have your own personality, and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference. In the end, it's all about expectations, which factors into the OP's post because I think she was struggling a little bit about what she should expect from others and also it relates to everyone having different expectations for their engagement period. That whole tangent could go on and on, but anyway, I really liked how you stated your point. It's something we should all think about! :)
I probably shouldn't be picking at this so much, because it's not what the thread is even about, and I'm all for everyone having their own opinion. I just hate blanket statements like "why don't you just wait?" because I feel like they ignore the fact that many couples have been waiting, and have just decided that X point in time is right for them. I feel like those statements invalidate the length and quality of a relationship. Who is to judge that one couple is less ready for marriage at any point in time? I mean, if young couples put off their marriage until whatever age the majority of society deemed "mature" or "experienced" enough, how would we come to a consensus beyond the legal age of 18? Isn't that where personal standards come in? For us, it was graduating college before getting married, and being financially independent. But some people will never graduate college, or want to get married before they do. And I have no idea what is going on in their relationship, I can only say why I personally wouldn't want to have the wedding before graduating.
I think it is important to note that people can grow together. Although my FH's job will have me moving out of state, he made sure I will be able to continue to complete school. We are looking out for each other so that we can be fullfilled as individuals and as a couple. We are grown so much and we also make sure that we don't lose ourselves.
Fact:Marriage is a gamble no matter what. No matter how old you are or when you decide to get married there will ALWAYS be that chance that it might not work out. The reason I say that is because you can only know 100% what YOU will do in your life and your committment...you never know what someone else will say. So in most regards it doesn't matter how long anyone has waited because life always changes and people change as well. You want to be as confident as you can be that you are making the best decision possible and that's all that you can ask of yourself and your FI. I think the reason why so many people say things about people getting married young is because there are situations where dating many people helps you to learn about yourself. And no offense but if you have been dating only one man since you were 16 or 17 that is all that you know. You may think they are the one for you and they definitely may be however I think many people wait or hold off to make sure that they have expereinced everything in life and completely know themselves. I dated my high school sweetheart for 4 years and I thought we were going to get married and I'm so glad we didn't. Sometimes when you step away from a relationship you learn what went wrong and a lot about yourself. I then dated a guy for 2 1/2 years and am so glad that we ended it as well because my "perfect match" was the next guy I was to date and we are getting married this summer after two years of being together. Truth is I knew after 3 months I'd marry him because of all the other life experiences I had been through. I knew exactly what I did and didn't want in a partner for life and what would work out best. Being 27 I think I can offer that insight on what parents and older people try to say because it's hard to know how everything will turn out when you've only been with one other person. Regardless, as long as your in love and will always work to work things out I think people can get married at a young age and be happy for the next 60+ years. So just some different view points to think about...best of luck to all:)
Shock value? Jenniphyr you aren't getting half the shock value I got when people found out I got engaged. (I married recently) My husband is 45 and I'm 22, now that's shock value! I still see people that give us dirty looks b/c we married. Our was a tad different. We had met online and only dated for a year. (He proposed on our one year of dating)
I never dreamed at 22 I'd marry, but getting married was always something I wanted to do. Nor, did I ever see myself marrying someone older. I'm can say that I glad though. You and your STBH should finish college and then marry. You won't have half the fights with school if you finish first. You both can look back and say "We waited a long time for this day, and I'm glad we did." Having a long engagement isn't a bad thing, in fact, I see it as a good thing. Gives you both time to focus on yourselves and each other at the same time.
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