Not happy that H is talking to BIL a lot lately

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6204 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

@tmsing:  There are a lot of big things in here, so that might be why no one’s answered you yet.

My suggestion is to tackle these issues separately.

The situation with your BIL is the easiest- I don’t think you should do anything. It’s your DH’s decision to have a relationship with his brother or not, and it’s really not your place to “let” him. You can express your dislike for it, but really, where will that get you? It doesn’t seem like it’s gotten anywhere so far.

As for his family, you have every right to be upset that they seem to be aggressive and unwelcoming, but for someone who was brought up to believe that holidays are supposed to be about family, I can understand where your husband is coming from wanting to spend christmas with family- you guys are assumedly alone together just about every other night. Do you have any specific reasons for wanting to spend holidays alone, other than that you don’t like his family? Unless he also grows to dislike his family, I think you’re stuck with them.

Post # 4
Member
1892 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@tmsing:  I understand your concerns – they are valid, and it must be heartbreaking to watch your husband be treated so poorly. But you also don’t want to be that wife who separates her husband from his family… Painful as it is, it has to be his decision to step back from them, not influenced by you, or he may come to resent you in the future.

Post # 7
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

“H used to get seizures that were partly triggered from his mom and brother’s over agression, especially his brother punching him in the head a lot as a kid.”


what.the.hell. 

I get people saying it’s his family but I’m on your side with this…anyone that toxic would not be welcome around me and MY family. You are also your husbands family and he needs to at least hear you out.

Post # 8
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Im terribly sorry for what you and your H are going through. I want to give a bit of insight in regards to parents and siblings who abuse someone whom they consider the weaker of the herd.

Your H has been conditioned by their behavior. He is like any small child who seeks approval from a parent. Any bit of kindness from them is a link to what he hopes will be a wonderful reconciliation, all is well for a while, then the blow up occurs. It devastates your DH and then the cycle starts all over again. 

I hate to say it but your DH is likely co-dependent. He likely doesnt know it. In every sense of the word its like the programming of a domestic violence victim. They always believe that the offending person will change or its somehow their fault. They internalize the blame and strive that much harder to make the offenders happy. 

You and your DH need therapy. Individually and together, he needs a therapist to understand the cycle that keeps repeating itself, and you need a therapist to cope with the resentment that you have developed. Im not throwing off on you. I would be resentful in your shoes as well.

I believe in family as well but I believe that some people are extremely toxic and their is nothing to be gained by having them around. It sounds like the mother and brother are extremely manipulative.

Are you and your DH planning on having kids? Maybe ask him how he would feel if his brother and mother did something that endangered them? How would he feel if his brother got arrested with your children around or your MIL took out her rages on your kids.

He needs help and I think its more than you can give. I will pray for you and hope that you find some peace and some help. If you cant afford therapy perhaps a trusted church chaplain or find someone who takes a payment on a sliding scale.

 

Post # 10
Hostess
7630 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

It sounds like you two should seek counseling to learn to draw boundaries. Like a PP said, it’s a vicious cycle but your DH has to be the one to make the decision. 

Post # 12
Member
1173 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@tmsing:  You have to sit him down and agree to create some boundaries. Its likely that not even that will work. I say this because the first time his brother and mother start raging, he will crumble in the face of it. You and he need to agree ahead of time that if something happens that there should be a concerted response.

Example: “Honey I know you want your mom and brother to visit but we need to set boundaries in regards to their behavior. I know when they do things it hurts you and I want to protect you.” 

Example: If brother steals from us or neighbors, you agree that its best if we call the police because I dont want to see you or myself go to jail for something we didnt do. We could lose our careers and our home. We will need to talk to brother once he gets here and explain that any theft or bad behavior will result in the police being called and not being welcome in our home anymore.

Example: I know your love your mother but your mother does things that are hurtful and disrespectful to me. I will try to be supportive if she is on her best behavior but if she doesnt respect our boundaries then perhaps its best if you go visit her instead of bringing her here.

 

Also as far as holidays go, you are his family. He needs to be creating traditions with you. That means giving you holidays with either just you and him or with your family as well. Sounds like his family is monopolizing him to your expense. 

Buck up girl and get some back bone. Right now its a power struggle between you against his mom and brother. I hope he sees that your a good person who only wants to help him,

Post # 13
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Glen Sanders Mansion

@tmsing:  I am so sorry that you seem to be stuck in the middle of this.  My mom, who is the only mom I will ever have and whom I love dearly, can be extremely hurtful to me and is a bit self-centered.  It absolutely kills my FI when he sees me crying yet again because of the nasty things she says to me and the way she treats me sometimes.  We have a love/hate relationship it seems — she can be extremely nurturing and then in an instant she is swearing at me and treating me like a friend she is fighting with rather than a daughter.  I am finally coming to a place where I am trying to expect less so that I won’t be disappointed when shit hits the fan.

Your husband sounds like he is in a similar position — this is his family, and like it or not, that’s the only mom he will have and that’s his brother, warts and all.  All you can really do is support him, and if/when things fall apart again, be there for him.  Eventually (hopefully sooner rather than later), he will realize that after a certain point, the way people interact with and treat others really isn’t going to change drastically unless perhaps there is major therapeutic intervention.  I wish you the very best of luck, I know from experience how awful a situation like this can be.

Post # 14
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I disagree with the notion that people need to just accept their family and put up with them for the sake of family. Some people are toxic and I believe it’s best to either cut them out of your life completely or set up some firm boundaries. You both should definitely go to counseling!!! He needs professional help to learn to cope with this. In the mean time, can you two compromise by having his family stay at a hotel for the holidays and just having them over for meal time/actual party time? I think you are completely justified in not wanting a criminal and disfunction present in your home, and I really think your husband should respect that. 

Lastly, as a PP said,  YOU are his family now! He needs to put you first! Putting you in a stressful situation like having them stay in your home and deal with their insanity is disrespectful to you. Hopefully you can make him see that, but again, I really suggest counseling. Good luck, I’m sorry you have to deal with this! 

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