Post # 1
This one requires a bit of explanation so it’ll be long. So in short I’m looking for advice on how to handle this situation gracefully and any advice on how to change my thinking towards it.
Basically the issue is that I don’t want my sister to be a BM, but my FI wants his brother.
I don’t want my sister because emotionally and mentally she is not in a good place and she just drains all of my energy. Including her would be a HUGE burden that would undoubtadly lead to a ton a stress and drama for all involved. I knew I didn’t want to ask her from the begining, FI and my mom initially disagreed but she has since gotten worse and they both now agree that I shouldn’t ask.
But what does this have to do with FI’s brother as a GM? Well for one both my sister and his brother are much older than us (10 and 18 yrs respectively) including his brother but not my sister leaves the wedding party strangly skewed with a bunch of early twenties friends and then a 43 yr old brother. Obviously this is not a valid reason to not include him, but I worry about the dynamics of that with him being in such a different life situation than the rest of the party.
The more pressing issue is that the brother is SUPER opinionated and can be pushy, he is also financially well off in a way FI and I will likely never be, let alone at the very start of our careers. The issue here is that he can be pretty insistant on things that we cannot afford, not really realizing that we don’t have the kind of money he does. Making him a GM will just give him a greater opportunity to do this (e.g. what they wear, where they go for the Bachelor, etc..
Lastly, I’m worried about explaining to my sister why she isn’t a BM when FI’s brother is GM. She is so sensitive and I just don’t know how or when to break the news.
For the record. I’m not saying FI shouldn’t ask his brother, in fact they are golfing right now and I’m pretty sure he will have asked by the time they get back. I just want some advice on how to handle it going forward.
Post # 3
Poll added, would really appreciate some advice. Thanks!
Post # 4
@zoso90: I didn’t really follow why the “cons” of having your FI’s brother in the wedding party have anything to do with asking your sister. It almost sounds like in your mind, asking her will saddle you with her issues AND the brother’s issues/pushiness, whereas these are two totally separate issues. FI is asking the brother anyway, right? So you just need to decide about your sister.
I voted to have an honest discussion with her about why she’s not included – but focus on reasons about YOU (i.e., you’ve always wanted to ask X friend, or you are worried about logistical issues and need BMs who hve such-and-such amount of free time or can do X tasks for you, etc). I think this will go over the best if you try to find concrete reasons for not including her that are NOT necessarily negative qualities about your sister, so as not to hurt her feelings.
Edited to add: you might want to give her a special role, or simply stress to her how important it is to you that she be involved with your wedding and be in the special family photos, family events, etc. You could stress that you’d love to go dress shopping with her and pick out a special dress for her that will coordinate with the BM/MOH dresses, but that would suit her specifically (and maybe be more elegant or more to her taste). Essentially, I’m trying to say – can you find ways to make her feel special and included, but that won’t give her the possibility of ruining things if she chooses to be dramatic or negative? (i.e., the special dress-shopping trip could easily be nixed if she bails, and you’re not counting on her for anything critical like your BMs).
Post # 5
@LittleByLittle: Thanks for the reply. We had discussed a special role like a reading or something, ideally something that can be changed at the last minute if she goes into major meltdown mode. I guess that is what I should focus on.
The two issues kind of bundle together for me because of how I feel like she will react if his borther is in the wedding party if she isn’t. You’re right though, the other issues with the brother as GM actually are seperate, for me they just kind of all become tangled in a giant mess that I can’t seem to wrap my head around.