Post # 1
Hi everyone. I’m really not into complaining. I am very blessed. But lately this has been on my mind and it is upsetting me more and more.
My father passed many years ago. Since then my relationship with my mother has been tumultuous for too many reasons to explain. But I have never given up on my mother or on our relationship. I love her and miss her in my life but it is not a healthy relationship.
It is starting to become very apparent to me that seeing as my dad is no longer here and my mother creates more problems for me when she is around, that I don’t have parents who love me and support me through this process of planning a wedding and getting married. I have an amazing maid of honour and great family who do care but it just isn’t the same as being able to call mom or dad and talk about everything.
I’ve always been very independent and self-sufficient, even as a child. But at this time in my life I so wish i had my parents with me, by my side.
I don’t know anyone who is in the same situation so it is hard for people I know to relate to this kind of heartache. Anyone in the same boat?
Post # 3
@sevash: Both of my parents are deceased…my mom died when I was 14 and my dad died 7 years ago. I have a step-mom who is wonderful, but she lives in FL and we are here in CO on military orders. I have had no one really to help me with anything wedding related, there will be no father/daughter dance, and only a very small percentage of our wedding guests represent my side. I know that sad feeling, but Fi is so good, he tells me “my family is yours now!”. It’s hard, but I’m trying not to let that overshadow a joyous time. I totally feel your pain!!
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - Dunes House - Hilton Head Island, SC
Both my parents are deceased as well (my father in 1998, my mother in 2005), and while I’ve basically got three adoptive mothers (my mother’s cousin, my FMIL and my best friend’s mother), they’re a minimum of 3 hours away, so I don’t have any real parental figures close by to share in the joy/planning process. I’ve had moments of tearing up (when it came to dress shopping, realizing I wouldn’t get to have a father-daughter dance, etc.).
Post # 5
yes, I’m in a similar boat and I have been trying to adapt to the fact that my idea of planning a wedding with my mum’s involvement is just not going to happen. I also have good friends who have been great but I haven’t got any answers for you other than I’m sorry to hear that your struggling with this too 🙁
i am sorry to hear about your dad and hope he’s looking down on you from just behind the clouds.
Post # 6
@sevash: My father passed away as I was planning my wedding, but I never had a great relationship with my parents to begin with. Honestly, it would’ve been great to have loving, supportive parents while wedding planning, but it just isn’t in the cards for me. Instead of focusing on what I didn’t have, I directed my thoughts at the fact that I have a wonderful supportive husband, a comfortable lifestyle and and incredible marriage. For me, wanting what I have > having what I want.
Post # 7
@sevash: *HUGS* I’m not in this situation, but my FI is and it is tough. His dad died when he was 14, and his mom is very toxic so he hasn’t spoken to her in over a decade. He tells most people both his parents are deceased because to him they are. We will not be having sides at the wedding and his only relative at the wedding will be his sister. Since he won’t be doing a mother-son dance, I have been trying to talk him into a brother-sister dance but he thinks it is weird and highlights that someone is missing. If you really want a dance, do you have a grandfather, brother, or uncle that you can dance with?
A close friend of mine lost her mother the year before her wedding- she completely broke down trying on dresses- it’s really hard!
I’m sorry you are going through this- I would imagine it’s very hard. But you have the opportunity to grow your family with your soon to be husband, and that’s smething to be very happy about!
Post # 8
@HeartsandSparkles: I am planning to ask my grandfather to walk me down the aisle but I can’t do the dance. I do feel like it would be a reminder that my dad isn’t with us. I am so happy that we are getting married. After nine years together, it is a wonderful feeling to look forward to our future together. I am so grateful to have such an amazing man in my life.
@housebee: That is such great advice. I think coming to terms with the cards we are dealt is difficult but so very important. I think I have held out hope that my relationship with my mother would eventually heal but the reality is it hasn’t and I can’t let it overpower what really matters..which is our marriage and our future together.
@thwarted: Thank you for sharing. I don’t know anyone who has lost their parents and it can be tough for people who care for me to understand what i’m feeling.
@polly-pocket & @AirForceWife78: Thank you for your kind words.
Thanks everyone 🙂
Post # 9
@sevash: Yes. I’ve not seen my father in 24 years, don’t even know if he’s still alive. My relationship with my mother is pretty poor, I have to keep her at a far distance to be able to keep my mental health.
The advice given by housebee is indeed excellent. I sometimes get pangs of jealousy when I see the close relationship FI has with his parents (who are still together), but I try to focus on what good things I have in my life.
Post # 10
I understand you well…. I live 6 hours from my mum, she is against the wedding, no support at all, but she has opinions.. 3/4 of my grandparents are died. My mums mum is just evil, so I do not have contact with here. My father is psykopatic, and I toke him out of my life when I was 16. He sexualy abuse me as a child. There is no contact with his side of the family. My brother and I are just so different. We do not figth, but we are not friends either…. My mum has been great for me before, but only if things are like she want them to be. She wants me to move home, so I can be here little girl, and she can have total control over me, but I am 28! She is so manipulativ now that I am blocking here calls, so she get here friends to call me, and email me, and she also call my friends to check on me….
It took my mum 2months to congrats me on my engagement… And only because I told here that it hurt me that she had not said any…..
I will walk alone, and my BM help me found the dress… My pastor wife has taken the role of beeing my mum, so I am blessed, but it is just not the same… I miss having family, I hope my mum at least will come at the wedding… My FH family lives 4 hours away, but our church family are the best, so they are helping a lot! FH mum is about the same controll freak as my mum, but she has taken me in, and they are paying for some of the wedding…. But it is hard! And I understand you <3
I live in europe so sorry for my english! You can pm me if you want to 🙂