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Hi Everyone,
The short of it: BF are in a "serious relationship" (over a year and a half, moving in together in a month). I'm not invited to a wedding he's a groomsman for (which is at the end of May). Should I insist that BF says something?
The long of it: Okay. So if you saw my post over in family (<a href="http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-parents-hate-bf-nwr"> here</a>) my parents have ben a little upset at the fact BF and I are moving in together because they have a lot of incorrect notions about him, including that he doesn't really see me as important in his life (despite the fact that we're moving in together and have talked about getting engaged in the next year or so) and one of the thing they cited is the fact that I'm not invited to his best friend' s wedding at the end of May.
BF is a groomsman in said wedding and was really excited for me to come and meet his friends. When he mentioned bringing me to the wedding to his friend (the groom) he was informed that only those engaged or married would be invited with a guest. BF was upset, I was upset, but we agreed that although it really isn't appropriate etiquette, there wasn't anything we could do about it. Another of the groomsman has been dating his live-in girlfriend for 4 years and the same rule was going to apply to them, but he announced at the recent Bachelor party that he was proposing, and so now we assumed she will be invited.
I am really upset about this, to be honest, to the point where every time someone asks about this sort of thing here (and over at the Knot) and the answer is "long term relationship/living together is a social unit" I get really upset at the situation. I don't think BF has received the official invite yet (but should be coming any time as we're entering the 6 week window before the event), so we can't say for SURE I'm not invited, but my name was definitely not on the STD.
Do you think this is a case where BF should bring it up? I think he's already implied by not saying anything for this long that its okay. Sigh. I just don't know. I don't agree with my parents that it shows he cares more about his friend than me, but it has been bothering me for sometime, and I think if BF did take action it might show my parents they're wrong, but, I don't want him to think this is about my parents, either.
Sorry, this is starting to ramble...but any advice is appreciated.
I think he should bring it up. Serious couples should always be invited to a wedding together and people usually allow people in the bridal party to bring a date so they aren't alone the entire time.
I disagree with Miss AB. I think that the couple has a rule (only engaged or married couples) and that rule should be respected. You don't have to agree with it, but it's not your wedding! Your boyfriend making a big fuss about you not being invited will just make the couple getting married resent you. This isn't your boyfriends fight-- it's their day, not yours.
I think you may be projecting onto this because of the situation with your parents. Unfortunately, if you're not invited to the wedding, there is nothing you can do about it. To try and get your boyfriend to make a big fuss to get you invited is bad manners, IMO.
I think it would be worth having your BF talk to the groom and say that it would really mean a lot to him if he could bring you, since you two are very serious and he wants you to meet everyone...It can't hurt to ask, I always say :)
I agree with texaslawgirl. The truth is that the couple is not obligated to invite anyone to their wedding. I'm sure that they struggled with the decision to determine how to cut their list and determined the "rules" they would use to do so. My FI and I did the same thing and if you are not engaged or married, you do not get a plus 1, end of story. Many couples live together these days, so had we not used the marriage status, we would have had to invite atleast 10 other people and at $130+ a head, it's just not happening. I'm sorry you feel offended but i'm sure it's not personal.
i dont think this is bad ettiquite - the rule for them was only engaged or married couples - thats their rule (like no kids etc.) while usually its customary for the wedding party to be allowed a guest, ive been invited to weddings without a date while being a bridesmaid - and i had been dating a guy for 3 years at the time. did i complain? no. not my place to do so.
i kinda agree with TXgirl above - sounds like you might be projecting a bit.
also, since you havent actually gotten the invitation yet, i think you should also probably wait. for instance for my wedding, im only inviting married spouses, engaged, and life partners (for the few gay couples that we have invited) - the boyfriends/girlfriends dont make the cut (unless i know them well enough that they might be engaged soon etc - but then again they would have both been invited because we know them both...) but for the folks who are in my bridal party who arent engaged or married, they didnt get a Name plus one on the STD. it was addressed only to them. When the time comes and i have addressed the guest list and how much room we have and if we can do plus ones, we might do so.
but i think you should take a step back and take a deep breath. this is their day not yours.
if your BF feels that strongly about it he can ask the bride and groom if perhaps they have room on their guest list for the invite, or maybe when they get declines, to add you on, but i think thats pushing it actually. i really dont feel this is a reflection at all of how YOUR BF feels about you. this has to do with his friends wedding not you in general.
i think you should just let it go. like some of the others said, it's hard to cut down a guest list and if this is how they're doing it so be it, even if it happens to suck for your situation. i felt very uncomfortable when people would try to add people to my already too big guest list. i wouldn't want to add any more stress for a bride and groom for an already very stressful event.
I think you should wait for the actual invitation... you never know, your BF may get a +1. If not, I would just drop it and let it be. If the couple set rules about who to invite, they should be respected. I am having such a hard time with +1s with my own wedding that I definitely would not appreciate anyone asking to bring extra people. Keep in mind that weddings get $$$ very quickly, and giving in to even one request means A LOT.
I'm going to have to agree with texaslawgirl. The rule applies to everyone. It's not like they're singling you out and your bf isn't doing anything about it. I don't think the way your BF is handling the situation is a reflection of how he feels for you. I have the same rule for our wedding and if people kept coming up to me to ask about inviting their bf/gf I'd be super irked. It's the bride & groom and their families' decision to invite who they want for their wedding.
This is perhaps not the underlying problem, I have to disagree that inviting those who are engaged or married are automatically more of a social unit than those who are not, but who are living together and have established a long-term partnership in other ways. I have several sets of friends who have made a conscious decision not to get married (because they dislike the entanglement of the government in their private lives that they feel marriage creates), but who have been living together for 5+ years, own property together, etc. While I obviously feel more positively towards marriage than they do (having decided to get married), I would not feel at all comfortable with the assertion that my relationship should get more social recognition than theirs should, just because they've decided not to marry. I think that "living together" deserves the same social recognition as engaged/married, and therefore if the OP and her partner will be living together at the time of the wedding in question, she should get an invite.
Proper etiquette says that couples who are married, engaged, OR LIVING TOGETHER, must be invited together. It doesn't matter what kind or rule that couple made up, their rules don't trump etiquette, and it is seriously rude. So I guess the question would be will you be living together at the date of the wedding or not? I would wait until your BF gets the actual invitation before you say anything, just because you want to give them every opportunity to do the right thing. However I would be seriously hurt and offended if someone disrespected my relationship like that. I can't tell you what to do, but I think my FI would choose to back out of the wedding over this. I don't think you should encourage your BF to do the same, because it would need to be something he came up with on his own-- it's his friendship at risk. But yeah, this would seriously sour my relationship with any couple who did this.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, its just my personal opinion that it is so incredibly disrespectful to invite people to celebrate your relationship while ignoring the importance of theirs. Just because a couple makes a "rule" and does it to a whole category of their guests (in this case- people living together) doesn't make it any less rude, disrespectful, and hurtful.
I agree with the posters that have suggested being gracious and letting this go. Last fall, my fiance was BEST MAN in a wedding and I wasn't invited (and we were engaged at the time.) Do I wish I could have gone and gotten to know his friends better? Of course! But do I think I am entitled to be invited to the most important day in that couple's life, possibly taking the spot of family members or others who are really important to them? Of course not. I don't know them very well. There are people who are more important to them than I am. It is THEIR wedding day.
I don't mean to belittle the situation - I think its fine if you feel a little left out or bummed out to not be able to go, I know I'd definitely feel your way in your shoes. But sometimes there are very real limitations (budget-wise and/or space-wise) that couples have to deal with, and they HAVE to draw the line somewhere and stick to it. I'm dealing with this right now planning my own wedding, and I'm getting it from all sides - everyone and their brother thinks they are entitled to be at my wedding, and I can't afford a big wedding (and I'd really like to have an intimate day with the people who mean the most to me...if all my friends get to bring their SO's, then some of them just couldn't be invited.) If I start making exceptions, its a slippery slope and people start getting even more upset ("why did he get to be his girlfriend, and I didn't?")
If you're really upset about it, I'd suggest you have your boyfriend address it very gently and try to be understanding. I guarantee you guys aren't the only ones who are going to be complaining about this to the couple, and I guarantee you it is a huge source of stress for them.
honestly, i would let it go- its just gonna cause problems between your bf and the couple whos getting married. honestly, its prob just a rule like were only inviting enaged couples/married couples-bc in reality if they had to invite you they would have to change the rules for everyone. with the cost of weddings today, tehy might not be able to afford to invite each guest who is in a relationship.
I get the feeling that you really just want him to mention it . . . not necessarily that you are going to be crushed if the bride & groom say no. Perhaps what under these circumstances, your BF should say, that he understands that there are limitations, but was wondering if you were going to be invited so you could make plans. It might be better to ask before you receive the invitation. HOWeVER, keep in mind that you shouldn't expect him to change their minds and you shouldn't hold it against them if they do not change their minds. In these circumstances, I think you'd feel better if he simply went to bat for you.
I think it's something that you should just let go. The couple had their reasoning for not inviting you and it's their wedding and their decision. I am sure it isn't meant as an insult to you personally or that they doubt your relationship with your BF.
I'm sorry that you feel offended, but this is not your decision, nor your boyfriend's. Just as the couple is in no way obligated to invite you, you (or your BF) are in no way obligated to attend if you find the single inviation truly problematic. You can respectfully decline the invitation. And I emphasize respectfully---do not pitch a fit, try to make a stand, or manipulate an extra invitation. And since the BF has agreed to be a groomsman, if you go this route, please give them as much time to replace him as possible.
Try to think about it from the couple's point of view--a wedding is an event to gather your friends and family around you to celebrate a very, very personal moment. If/when you are the bride, do you want to have people you barely know/don't know there just b/c etiquette says so? For some people, that's fine---the bigger the party, the better. For other people, it truly is about an intimate event. Please respect the couple's decision. When you and the BF get engaged, you will probably quickly realize how many different directions you will be pulled in, and that you will need to make some tough choices.
If you DO decide to ask for an invite, be prepared to be told no. I had a guest indicate that she couldn't possibly think of attending our wedding (she's been friends with DH for 5 years) without the BF of 10 months. We told her that we respected her decision, and appreciated that she respected ours, and that if she changed her mind and wished to attend solo, she could RSVP until May 10. She did not attend. And she broke up with the BF 2 weeks after our wedding.
I have not read all of the posts, but I agree with the fact that under normal circumstances, if the bride and groom are working with having a smaller guest list and had to make the rule that only engaged or married people get +1 then fair enough. It's their wedding. BUT I do believe that the wedding party should be allowed a +1 regarless of relationship status. Just my opinion. I would wait for the invite and if you are not address, I do think it is worth him discussing.
I think that everyone in the wedding party should be allowed to bring their SO. My BFF and her BF have been together longer than my FI and I. I would never think in a million years that he would not be at our wedding. We even asked him to be an usher.
Anyway I think that your BF should talk to the groom. You never know until you ask. Good Luck
I'm gonna go with the minority here and agree with Mrs. Caniche. Who cares about the rules, ettiquette etc. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS FRIENDSHIP AND BEING REAL WITH PEOPLE. If your BF is offended, he might want to mention it (in a very gentle way). Yes, it's their wedding but he's in the wedding, he should be allowed to bring you. Can you do anything about it? Probably not. Maybe let it go, but also if your BF is really close with them, he should be able to express how he feels (at an appropriate time).
I say this because I was MOH and my best friend didn't invite my now fiancee. She apologized years later and I never mentioned anything then. I let her do her thing but you know what? My fiance is still upset. It might have been worth it to tell her how I really felt at the time...and not years later. I think they can handle it if your BF says he'd like to bring you. If their grown ups, they'll respect his feelings at least...even if they don't change their minds...which might happen. At least he was open and honest. Just my opinion :)
I feel that all participates should be allowed to bring at least one guest especially if their in a serious relationship' that rule should not apply to your wedding party especially a bestfriend. I've been a bridesmaid and fortunately my finance was invited and I couldnt wait to meet with him after such a long day of catering to the bride and groom. Being a groomsman requires lots of time and energy' thats the least they can do.
For the record, I just want to say that I think it will be crummy if they don't invite you. As a groomsman's GF, I think you are due an invite. It seems selfish to me that a Bride and Groom would make an invite list without considering what would make their wedding party happy.
All that said, I'm not sure how much talking to them will help. It could create tension, or it could help them see that it would be kind to make sure you are invited. Go with your gut. Good luck!
To clarify, there is no etiquette rule saying that people living together need to be invited. Because then you would be obligated to invite roommates and children living with their parents as well. Honestly, it's a fair rule as long as it is a consistent rule, so if inviting you would break that rule, THAT would be rude to all the other GFs not invited. I think that by drawing a line and sticking to it, they are trying to be fair to ALL their guests.
My question on whether you should make a big deal of it is: do you know his best friend well enough to be invited if you WEREN'T dating your SO? If not, then I don't really see why you should insist on being invited. You don't know them. Also, it is really awkward to have a bunch of wedding photos with an ex-bf/ex-gf in them, which is why many couples say you have to be engaged or married. (I'm still mad that my ex-bf is in a ton of my brother's wedding photos...what was I thinking??) It's nothing against your relationship, but honestly I can see why people would be hesitant to take your relationship as seriously as one where the couple is already engaged or married. My ex-bf asked me to move in as a stalling technique so he wouldn't HAVE to propose, so I'm more cautious now about assuming how serious a relationship is just because two people live together.
There is a generally accepted rule that people engaged/married/living together should be invited, but you're not living together yet, right? I imagine they were trying to be as fair as possible to all of their guests. In a perfect world, we could invite anyone who wanted to be at our weddings. But it's really expensive to add everyone's "I really want this person to be here" and exceptions can get out of hand very quickly. I'm sorry that it upsets you, it would have upset me as well. But I can see their logic.
I think that if your BF was not a groomsman, I would totally understand your feelings around not being invited. Since he is a groomsman, he's going to be busy the entire day. He's going to be with the guys getting ready in the morning, he's going to be standing up at the alter during the ceremony, taking pictures with the couple, sitting at the head table at the reception - it's actually very awkward being a GF of a groomsman! They feel bad for not getting to spend time with you, and you feel lonely! Maybe it's a good thing?
People who live together for over a year are common law married, they share expenses and lives and everything in a marriage, other than the certificate. I really believe they should be included in the engaged/married category. I think it's rude for people to judge that relationship and deem it not serious enough simply because a wedding hasn't occured. I think them not planning on inviting the live in gf of 4 years of another groomsman would've been very very rude.
Regardless though, members of the wedding party should receive a plus one. It's just a courtesy to thank them for all they have done for you and it's kind of a slap in the face to ask them to do all this work and then tell them they can't bring their significant other. Maybe it'd be different if you two weren't actually dating and he wasn't given a plus one, but if you two are moving in together then it's obviously serious and I think that it is an insult to your bf. If he wasn't a groomsman I could kind of understand them not inviting you because you aren't living together yet, but he is, so I think they should've given you an invite as well.
I would maybe have your bf tell them that he was hurt by their decision but he shouldn't try to pressure them into changing their mind. If he's good friends with the groom then they should be able to talk to each other about things like that so that feelings aren't hurt.
@summerlove22 - common law marriage depends where you live. I live in Ohio and common law marriage was removed from the law books after 1991. Basically if you were in a relationship prior to then you could be "common law married" but not after then.
Regarding the situation, I think you need to respect what the couple has decided. It's hard to narrow down the list of people who to invite, and it doesn't sound like you are particularly close to the couple marrying. Some people may include only significant others of those people either married or engaged, and some people extend it to those living together. We don't know much about the couple who is actually marrying (for example, they may not feel that living together is appropriate for religious reasons or something, so they may stick to only married/engaged). Right now it doesn't look like you are living with your BF either. You can't compare yourself to the other couple that was together for 4 years and is now getting engaged. Just look at your relationship with the couple getting married - if you're not particularly close (and wouldn't have been invited if your BF wasn't invited), I would get too upset by it and just accept it.
I'm still over 200 days away from the wedding. The first thing you have to do when planning is set a budget, THEN your set your guest list. Those are two of the hardest, most stressful, and chaotic parts of planning. Most likely, this was done 6-12+ months ago. Your relationship was much newer, and there was no glimpse of moving in. Fast forward to today and your still not living together. It may be in the plans for you, but it's still in the "future."
In the past few months since we finalized our list, we've met and started becoming friends with a few people. I'm already stressed about it, because our budget and list was set for a certain number. Our catering budget was off that number, everything is off that number. It seems like it's "Just adding one" but that leads to a landslide of chaos. Not to mention that each guest easily carry's a cost to the couple of about $100+
Since you still haven't moved in, I think you need to let it go. Plan a girls night with all your friends, go out dancing and have a good time. As for your mom, a simple, "I wasn't invited because they are only inviting those who are engaged/married with a +1" should suffice. If that's not acceptable to her, then don't take it out on your BFs best friend.
As a person who has recently gone through this issue with her own bridal party I have to agree that you shouldn't make a big deal out of this. This is a very stressful time in the bride and groom's lives and making a big deal about it will only add to that stress and make them resent you. Now, I do think that maybe if you would like your BF to mention it casually (it never hurts to ask) then that wouldn't be such a big deal but don't make a big stink about it. They applied a rule so that they could keep within their budget limit and I am sure it was a painstaking decsion.There are people that we couldn't invite that we would have loved to be there but due to budget constraints we could not. It is hard and it hurts to know some friends of ours couldn't even be invited but we did what we had to do, for us to allow dates for our guests when other people we wanted to be there couldn't be didn't really seem right or fair to us. Now from your view point I do understand and we did allow people who were in long term relationships (over a year), married/engaged, to come together, but that was our rule. In your case I do think that maybe it could be a good idea to at least mentioned it but don't push the bride and groom hard on it.
i can understand why you're upset--it sucks to be in your situation--but i really don't thinki it's your or your bf's place to make a fuss about it. for our wedding, our +1 guest cut off rule is being in a serious/long-term relationship to avoid situations like this, but every couple needs to decide for themselves what fits in their budget. plus, it sounds like you don't know the couple or this group of your fi's friends very well, since you say this would be a chance to meet them--from the bride and groom's perspective, expanding the +1 cutoff would mean not inviting other guests that they do know.
and don't let what your parents' said impact you. this has nothing to do with your bf's commitment to you: it has to do with the bride and groom, and either their budget or their decision to have a small wedding. you and your bf are obviously moving forward since you're moving in together, and that's all that matters.
Only nine states have a defined acceptance of commonlaw marriage, and that carries certain requirements. Since the OP doesn't live with her BF and calls him her boyfriend and not her husband, commonlaw doesn't even apply to the OP. And in every state, in order for it to be a commonlaw marriage, you must both call eachother your spouse. I think that would fit under the "married couples" rule then, and not the "dating but living together" rule.
For some people, living together makes it a serious relationship, and that's ok. But for some people, a serious relationship means there will be a marriage somewhere in there, so I can see why a couple may choose not to invite unmarried couples. It depends a lot on religious context.
I has a similiar situation about 5 years ago. I was invited to my friends wedding without my boyfriend. I really upset and felt left out since most of my friends were married and invited with a guest. I actually didnt end up going b.c I was so upset and my friendship with my friend was affected. I was young then and immature and did not see the whole picture. I regret to this day my decision and I have been able to become friends again with her but I cant take back missing her wedding. When it came down to it she just couldnt afford much and thats what she came up with that plan. I totally should of respected her decision and am happy that we could reconsile and now she is actually one of my bridesmaids. SO pretty much let it go, its not a big deal.
I feel for you. I think it's pretty inconsiderate to not allow your WP a +1. I know that a lot of the day takes the WP away from their dates. However, the comfort of the couple, isn't really to be decided or judged by the bride and groom. For the amount of money and effort a member of the WP puts into the bride's and groom's wedding, I really think they deserve a guest, if they'd like one.
While I don't think you should necessarily look at this as a personal snub or anything, I'm curious how your bf could be so close to the groom, that he's in the WP, and has dated you for 1 1/2 years, yet you haven't met his friends. (I'm guessing someone is OOT.) But that's a pretty serious length of time, and would think they'd be interested in meeting you. IDK.
I like to see all guests be allowed a +1, but understand that people have budget issues. It sounds like you've never me them. And you haven't actually moved in together. So I think you were one of those, (on the fence) sacrificial lambs, that got cut off so that they could really stick to their rules about +1s.
I don't know what to say about mentioning anything. I can tell you that if it was my wedding, in this situation, I would have invited you. But I don't know the particulars of how the bride and groom had to plan their wedding.
Sorry, let us know how it goes.
Mightysapphire- the "living together" etiquette rule applies to people in relationships, not children, roommates, etc. But it is a rule, they must be invited. Here's from etiquette guru Emily Post: http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planner/guest_lists.htm and I'm sure I can provide other sources if necessary.
This is the one thing that has always bothered me about the hive. While I love that this community is so supportive of brides, sometimes the "it's your day!" mentality goes to far, imho. Guests are people too, and nothing gives a bride the right to treat them disrespectfully in this or any other situation just because it's a wedding.
Not sure if anyone already mentioned this....and it doesn't entirely apply to the specific situation...But what about people who live together but have chosen to not get married?? Why should they be treated any differently? I look forward to my wedding day, but just because I'm married, wont mean I am anymore committed to my partner than say friends who have chosen to not marry. I hope my point is clear... in that just because you aren't married, doesn't mean you are anymore or any less commited (love) to one another.
I understand the issue of keeping numbers under control (totally battling that now!)...but you make it work...I think it is entirely rude to deny someone a guest, especially one they have been dating for over a year...we're having 80 people at our wedding (ourselves included) and when making up our list we had to take into account guests, because it is considerate.
I think it would be appropriate for your bf to ask the groom nicely, and if it really comes down to them not affording it, respect it. It is there choice, and you don't have to agree with it. Although, maybe you'd be able to come to the reception later in the evening, after dinner etc is done?
Good luck..
Miss Chicken- That's exactly why the "living together" rule exists. The situation you are describing is becoming more and more common today, and it is not the couples place to start to make judgments about whose relationship is more or less serious. If a couple has decided to set up house together, then to try to say that they are not as serious as an engaged couple or a married couple, or that their relationship isn't as legitimate as others and thus doesn't warrant an invitation is disrespectful and hurtful. That's why etiquette rules exist, so well intentioned people can avoid doing something like that.
its rude but a lot of ppl do it. one of my friends told me not to invite anyone my brother ends up with (massive serial dater) as we have the chance of some random chick in the photos. of course now he has a new g/f i have to invite but i can understand the logic.
a mate of mine was a MOH at a destination wedding, soon after the wedding 2 of the couples had broken up so essentially they could have had 2 of their close friends at the wedding instead of 2 randoms.
it sucks but its not your day. I'm inviting some good friends to mine and they don't get to bring anyone(and they aren't in the wedding party), and one of my friends has been with her guy for some time and they are serious and i like the guy, but if he comes then everyone else will have too and i won't be able to afford to get married until next august instead of this august and that just puts me having babies further and further away.
when its your day you get to choose the guest list. maybe if you ask if you pay for your own meal and/or maybe be an usher would it be ok for you to go? that way your assisting them in what is a stressful day instead of adding a stress.
*if BF wants you to meet his friends maybe he should arrange a night for that, instead of piggy backing it onto someone elses wedding?
I'm stuck in the middle on this one-- if your not very close to them and you/your BF says something to them, that could cause trouble. But I do agree if you two have been together awhile and are living together--they really should invite you both to the wedding/esp if he is part of the wedding party. As I understand it anyone in the wedding party is usually invited with a plus 1. If I were in your shoes I would wait to get the invite and if your not invited just let it go-- you don't want to give them a reason to not like you if you've never really hung out. What they do/say isn't something you can control, but how you react is something you can control.
Just to clarify all of this, these are BF's college friends and BF and I are both in graduate school in another state from the bride and groom (and his other college friends) which is why I haven't met them. BF has only met one of my college freinds, also. Not everyone lives near their friends, which is why this was a good opportunity to meet them. The other thing in all this is now BF is also stuck paying for a very expensive hotel room by himself since now the other "single" groomsman will get a +1 and BF won't...
There seems to be a lot of conflicting advice here, but I think we're going to see what happens when we get the invite and then I'll have BF mention that he and I are both disappointed that I'm not invited. It's fine if the answer is no, but I think it should be expressed that we're not entirely "cool" with the situation...
greenleafmountain - Although I hear what you are saying about the issue regarding "whose relationship is more legitimate," I really do think that the fact is that weddings do have a budget in the end. I'm sure that as much as this particular bride would like to invite every single person with a +1, it simply might not be in the budget. And, as the poster mentioned - they aren't living together yet...
classyashley - I completely understand that you would feel a bit slighted if you weren't invited to the wedding, but I would definitely just wait and see what the invitation says when it arrives in the mail. However, if you aren't included, I would definitely not have your boyfriend mention it to the groom, at least not immediately. I know that it stinks a bit when some couples make the rule that only engaged or married couples are allowed the +1, but I'm sure they weren't making that rule exclusively to hurt your feelings. Picture yourself in their shoes if possible. For example...at the moment I am currently waiting for invitation rsvp's to finish coming in for our wedding. Right now, we have over-invited...so people are going to have to start saying no so that we can all fit!!! But, once the no's start rolling in, we might have some extra space. At that point, I would probably be much more amenable to adding to my guest list. If someone were to approach me today about being invited, it would put me in a terribly hard spot. As much as I'd like to add, I really can't at this point. But, being a pushover, I would probably end up saying "yes of course," and then panicking later on.
Also - perhaps you will be surprised with the invitation! When I sent out my STD's, I only addressed them to my friends; I didn't include the names of their boyfriends/girlfriends...they were only included on the invitation. Perhaps this is the case?
You've probably reached a good decision. If your FI mentions he would really appreciate being allowed to bring his serious GF may mean you can come. I am a little surprised a groomsman wasn't allowed to bring a date to an out-of-state event, but I know a lot of people are very strict about plus ones. It is my personal belief that being allowed to bring a guest if you have to stay over night will add more to a guest's enjoyment than any decor choice or food selection ever could, so I made sure to budget accordingly.
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