Post # 1
The short of it: Boyfriend or Best Friend are in a “serious relationship” (over a year and a half, moving in together in a month). I’m not invited to a wedding he’s a groomsman for (which is at the end of May). Should I insist that Boyfriend or Best Friend says something?
The long of it: Okay. So if you saw my post over in family (<a href=”http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/my-parents-hate-bf-nwr”> here</a>) my parents have ben a little upset at the fact Boyfriend or Best Friend and I are moving in together because they have a lot of incorrect notions about him, including that he doesn’t really see me as important in his life (despite the fact that we’re moving in together and have talked about getting engaged in the next year or so) and one of the thing they cited is the fact that I’m not invited to his best friend’ s wedding at the end of May.
Boyfriend or Best Friend is a groomsman in said wedding and was really excited for me to come and meet his friends. When he mentioned bringing me to the wedding to his friend (the groom) he was informed that only those engaged or married would be invited with a guest. Boyfriend or Best Friend was upset, I was upset, but we agreed that although it really isn’t appropriate etiquette, there wasn’t anything we could do about it. Another of the groomsman has been dating his live-in girlfriend for 4 years and the same rule was going to apply to them, but he announced at the recent Bachelor party that he was proposing, and so now we assumed she will be invited.
I am really upset about this, to be honest, to the point where every time someone asks about this sort of thing here (and over at the Knot) and the answer is “long term relationship/living together is a social unit” I get really upset at the situation. I don’t think Boyfriend or Best Friend has received the official invite yet (but should be coming any time as we’re entering the 6 week window before the event), so we can’t say for SURE I’m not invited, but my name was definitely not on the STD.
Do you think this is a case where Boyfriend or Best Friend should bring it up? I think he’s already implied by not saying anything for this long that its okay. Sigh. I just don’t know. I don’t agree with my parents that it shows he cares more about his friend than me, but it has been bothering me for sometime, and I think if Boyfriend or Best Friend did take action it might show my parents they’re wrong, but, I don’t want him to think this is about my parents, either.
Sorry, this is starting to ramble…but any advice is appreciated.
Post # 3
I think he should bring it up. Serious couples should always be invited to a wedding together and people usually allow people in the bridal party to bring a date so they aren’t alone the entire time.
Post # 4
I disagree with Miss AB. I think that the couple has a rule (only engaged or married couples) and that rule should be respected. You don’t have to agree with it, but it’s not your wedding! Your boyfriend making a big fuss about you not being invited will just make the couple getting married resent you. This isn’t your boyfriends fight– it’s their day, not yours.
I think you may be projecting onto this because of the situation with your parents. Unfortunately, if you’re not invited to the wedding, there is nothing you can do about it. To try and get your boyfriend to make a big fuss to get you invited is bad manners, IMO.
Post # 5
- Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School
I think it would be worth having your Boyfriend or Best Friend talk to the groom and say that it would really mean a lot to him if he could bring you, since you two are very serious and he wants you to meet everyone…It can’t hurt to ask, I always say 🙂
Post # 6
I agree with texaslawgirl. The truth is that the couple is not obligated to invite anyone to their wedding. I’m sure that they struggled with the decision to determine how to cut their list and determined the “rules” they would use to do so. My Fiance and I did the same thing and if you are not engaged or married, you do not get a plus 1, end of story. Many couples live together these days, so had we not used the marriage status, we would have had to invite atleast 10 other people and at $130+ a head, it’s just not happening. I’m sorry you feel offended but i’m sure it’s not personal.
Post # 7
i dont think this is bad ettiquite – the rule for them was only engaged or married couples – thats their rule (like no kids etc.) while usually its customary for the wedding party to be allowed a guest, ive been invited to weddings without a date while being a bridesmaid – and i had been dating a guy for 3 years at the time. did i complain? no. not my place to do so.
i kinda agree with TXgirl above – sounds like you might be projecting a bit.
also, since you havent actually gotten the invitation yet, i think you should also probably wait. for instance for my wedding, im only inviting married spouses, engaged, and life partners (for the few gay couples that we have invited) – the boyfriends/girlfriends dont make the cut (unless i know them well enough that they might be engaged soon etc – but then again they would have both been invited because we know them both…) but for the folks who are in my bridal party who arent engaged or married, they didnt get a Name plus one on the STD. it was addressed only to them. When the time comes and i have addressed the guest list and how much room we have and if we can do plus ones, we might do so.
but i think you should take a step back and take a deep breath. this is their day not yours.
if your Boyfriend or Best Friend feels that strongly about it he can ask the bride and groom if perhaps they have room on their guest list for the invite, or maybe when they get declines, to add you on, but i think thats pushing it actually. i really dont feel this is a reflection at all of how YOUR Boyfriend or Best Friend feels about you. this has to do with his friends wedding not you in general.
Post # 8
i think you should just let it go. like some of the others said, it’s hard to cut down a guest list and if this is how they’re doing it so be it, even if it happens to suck for your situation. i felt very uncomfortable when people would try to add people to my already too big guest list. i wouldn’t want to add any more stress for a bride and groom for an already very stressful event.
Post # 9
I think you should wait for the actual invitation… you never know, your Boyfriend or Best Friend may get a +1. If not, I would just drop it and let it be. If the couple set rules about who to invite, they should be respected. I am having such a hard time with +1s with my own wedding that I definitely would not appreciate anyone asking to bring extra people. Keep in mind that weddings get $$$ very quickly, and giving in to even one request means A LOT.
Post # 10
I’m going to have to agree with texaslawgirl. The rule applies to everyone. It’s not like they’re singling you out and your bf isn’t doing anything about it. I don’t think the way your Boyfriend or Best Friend is handling the situation is a reflection of how he feels for you. I have the same rule for our wedding and if people kept coming up to me to ask about inviting their bf/gf I’d be super irked. It’s the bride & groom and their families’ decision to invite who they want for their wedding.
Post # 11
This is perhaps not the underlying problem, I have to disagree that inviting those who are engaged or married are automatically more of a social unit than those who are not, but who are living together and have established a long-term partnership in other ways. I have several sets of friends who have made a conscious decision not to get married (because they dislike the entanglement of the government in their private lives that they feel marriage creates), but who have been living together for 5+ years, own property together, etc. While I obviously feel more positively towards marriage than they do (having decided to get married), I would not feel at all comfortable with the assertion that my relationship should get more social recognition than theirs should, just because they’ve decided not to marry. I think that “living together” deserves the same social recognition as engaged/married, and therefore if the OP and her partner will be living together at the time of the wedding in question, she should get an invite.
Post # 12
Proper etiquette says that couples who are married, engaged, OR LIVING TOGETHER, must be invited together. It doesn’t matter what kind or rule that couple made up, their rules don’t trump etiquette, and it is seriously rude. So I guess the question would be will you be living together at the date of the wedding or not? I would wait until your Boyfriend or Best Friend gets the actual invitation before you say anything, just because you want to give them every opportunity to do the right thing. However I would be seriously hurt and offended if someone disrespected my relationship like that. I can’t tell you what to do, but I think my Fiance would choose to back out of the wedding over this. I don’t think you should encourage your Boyfriend or Best Friend to do the same, because it would need to be something he came up with on his own– it’s his friendship at risk. But yeah, this would seriously sour my relationship with any couple who did this.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, its just my personal opinion that it is so incredibly disrespectful to invite people to celebrate your relationship while ignoring the importance of theirs. Just because a couple makes a “rule” and does it to a whole category of their guests (in this case- people living together) doesn’t make it any less rude, disrespectful, and hurtful.
Post # 13
I agree with the posters that have suggested being gracious and letting this go. Last fall, my fiance was BEST MAN in a wedding and I wasn’t invited (and we were engaged at the time.) Do I wish I could have gone and gotten to know his friends better? Of course! But do I think I am entitled to be invited to the most important day in that couple’s life, possibly taking the spot of family members or others who are really important to them? Of course not. I don’t know them very well. There are people who are more important to them than I am. It is THEIR wedding day.
I don’t mean to belittle the situation – I think its fine if you feel a little left out or bummed out to not be able to go, I know I’d definitely feel your way in your shoes. But sometimes there are very real limitations (budget-wise and/or space-wise) that couples have to deal with, and they HAVE to draw the line somewhere and stick to it. I’m dealing with this right now planning my own wedding, and I’m getting it from all sides – everyone and their brother thinks they are entitled to be at my wedding, and I can’t afford a big wedding (and I’d really like to have an intimate day with the people who mean the most to me…if all my friends get to bring their SO’s, then some of them just couldn’t be invited.) If I start making exceptions, its a slippery slope and people start getting even more upset (“why did he get to be his girlfriend, and I didn’t?”)
If you’re really upset about it, I’d suggest you have your boyfriend address it very gently and try to be understanding. I guarantee you guys aren’t the only ones who are going to be complaining about this to the couple, and I guarantee you it is a huge source of stress for them.
Post # 14
honestly, i would let it go- its just gonna cause problems between your bf and the couple whos getting married. honestly, its prob just a rule like were only inviting enaged couples/married couples-bc in reality if they had to invite you they would have to change the rules for everyone. with the cost of weddings today, tehy might not be able to afford to invite each guest who is in a relationship.
Post # 15
I get the feeling that you really just want him to mention it . . . not necessarily that you are going to be crushed if the bride & groom say no. Perhaps what under these circumstances, your Boyfriend or Best Friend should say, that he understands that there are limitations, but was wondering if you were going to be invited so you could make plans. It might be better to ask before you receive the invitation. HOWeVER, keep in mind that you shouldn’t expect him to change their minds and you shouldn’t hold it against them if they do not change their minds. In these circumstances, I think you’d feel better if he simply went to bat for you.
Post # 16
I think it’s something that you should just let go. The couple had their reasoning for not inviting you and it’s their wedding and their decision. I am sure it isn’t meant as an insult to you personally or that they doubt your relationship with your Boyfriend or Best Friend.