Not inviting a friend you used to be close with

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
20 posts
Newbee

Don’t let it bother you too much (easier said than done, I’m sure).  I don’t know how old you guys are but I’ve learned I’m my time that you learn who your real friends are eventually. Sometimes you learn the hard way and sometimes it’s just obvious. From what I have heard of your story it’s just obvious.  And I wouldn’t spend too much time caring about things or people that really don’t matter in the big picture. It’s your day and what you want matters. If it was her day would she include you or consider you the way you are considering her? It’s something to think about…

Post # 3
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

catherinedarcy:  I can totally understand how you feel torn on this one.. But from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like she’s genuinely excited for you and isn’t really putting anything in to your friendship. She’ll pay attention to you when she can get something out of it like good goss on your ring etc but not when you reach out to her. I’ve had one sided friendships like this and eventually I let them go and have never regretted it. If you’re not super close anymore and you’re having a small wedding, you don’t need to feel guilty about leaving certain people like her off, you have to draw the line somewhere.

I think certain times/events in your life can be a catalyst for change and sometimes that change affects friendships. Sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever. It doesn’t mean they were all bad – they may have been meaningful and special while they lasted, but your paths just go separate ways. 

Post # 5
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

catherinedarcy:  I know it’s tricky and can put you in an awkward position! To be honest though I don’t think you need to feel like you have to explain yourself too much, it’s your wedding! 

This may not be how other people would handle it but if it was me, I wouldn’t mention it to her. If she did question it, I’d just politely explain that it is a small wedding, you had to make some tough decisions but it just wasn’t possible to invite everyone! If she’s going to be a baby about it it’s probably just confirmation that she doesn’t need to be there! 

I had to make some calls with our guest list too – it’s the thing I’ve agonised most about! But once you make the decision don’t stress or agonise over it – let this be an enjoyable time for you! 🙂

Post # 7
Member
285 posts
Helper bee

Seems like you’ve already sorted this out, but I thought I’d add some advice given to me (because I think it’s great advice): invite people that will be in your future, not your past.

Post # 8
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

catherinedarcy:  Well I’m in a similar situation. My ex BFF and I were ALWAYS together we would have our fights but would cool off and makeup. After graduation HS we still kept in touch as much as we could but we could have gone weeks not talking and when we do it was like no time at all passed. Anyway some more drama happened and we got in a huge fight and stopped talking. I ignored her for a while being pissed and hurt but months later told her my side we said sorry and moved on. However we are no were near as close and it mostly on my part. I can’t trust putting myself out there and trusting her liek a did again. I am havign a bigger wedding so I am inviting her with a +1 (so she can feel comfortable because honestly my family saw the whole train wreck and are to happy but have no choice but to accept). Now if she doesn’t come it not goign to hurt my feelings its just that after everything we’ve been through and with getting married and other plans I have in the next few years all the petty HS stuff I need to dump. Your weddign is small and if she isn’t invited she will be hurt . She  sounds like one of those who only wants the gossip about all the wedding details and isn’t truly happy about this great time of your life. You shouldn’t feel bad about your choice if your not inviting her its your right. Maybe you can explain to her your feelings and tell her how her crappy idea of a frienship is making you feel. Sorry for running on …Good luck ! 

Post # 9
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

catherinedarcy:  I feel like all of us at one point or another have had this friend. 

In my case, in a period I really needed her, she went MIA. I made the decision to not invite her to my wedding and I’m okay with that. She really only wants to catch up with me when she wants support in her life. I’m too busy for one sided friendships. 

Post # 10
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I am sorry dear, but this woman is not your friend. She lives around the corner and yet the two of you do not see each other. She never really reaches out to you, it is always you reaching out to her… Please, do not waste an invitation on this woman. Just let this already nonexistent relationship fall to the wayside as it should have years ago. You don’t get anything out of this friendship and all that she wants is information and gossip. She does not seem to care about you based off of her actions. Don’t discuss anything further with her. If she messages you, just ignore her and she will inevitably go away. I wish you well, and I am sure that you can and will make better friends in the future and forget about her altogether.

Post # 11
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

I would not waste an invite on this girl. She’s not even a friend, she’s an aquaintance. She’s made it abundantly clear that she does not consider you worthy of her time. If you give her a reading I think you will regret it. She is obviously drifting out of your life. Give it to someone who will stick around

Post # 13
Member
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

catherinedarcy:  eek that is a tricky one! In any other situation I would say she’s asking so she can make sure she’s free but from what you’ve said about her she definitely sounds like she’s fishing for an invite without having to ask directly! I would never ask for a date (which is really asking for an invite) unless it was family or a VERY close friend…

This may not be the best way to handle it but if it was me, I’d either not write anything back, or tell her that dates AND THE GUEST LIST have not been finalised (and not elaborate any further – short and sweer!) Or… you could bite the bullet and just tell her due to various limitations you have had to make some tough calls – and get it over and done with!! I don’t envy you….!

Post # 14
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee

This is a tricky situation you’re in, but the bottom line is — you need to STOP worrying so much about hurting this girl’s feelings and instead, focus on being 100% honest with yourself and her.  You obviously know what’s in your best interest because you know you should not invite this friend.  This girl is not a good friend and for whatever reason, she wants to be a part of your wedding — but it doesn’t seem like she wants to be a part of it to SUPPORT you but rather, she wants to be part of the spotlight and attention for this big event.

If I were you, I would have a heart-to-heart talk with this girl in-person (esp since she lives so close to you).  I would be 100% honest about everything, and how you guys aren’t very close anymore and although you’re sad, you also recognize that people change and grow in different directions.  I would thank her for her support, but then share that since you will have a very limited small wedding that only family will be invited.  Share with her that you feel sad you cannot invite everyone you want to, but that you would love to do something special just the two of you.

If after being open and honest with her, she turns nasty or angry with you — then you have your answer.  This is a friendship that needed to be let go for some time now, and this was a catalyst to make that happen.

 

Post # 15
Member
20 posts
Newbee

catherinedarcy:  I agree with PP. I think you need to talk to her and let her know the truth about how you feel and what you are doing. This is your day and you can’t be people pleasing all the time and you especially shouldn’t try to please those who are not trying to please you in any way! It will be hard to tell someone who was once a good friend the truth behind your decisions but people change and grow apart all the time. It’s the true friends that grow and change with you and support you throughout. I wish you the best and just know that whatever the outcome is it will be for the best. Good luck! 

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