(Closed) Not inviting certain family members..

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1360 posts
Bumble bee

@chillinchillin:  I’m never experienced anything like this, but I do not understand why anyone would want to attend a wedding of a person with whom they don’t get along, family or no family…

Post # 4
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@chillinchillin:  ugh, I feel your sister. I have an aunt (mom’s sister) who I absolutely despise for good reason, and it’s no secret that there’s no love lost between us. We’re having a small wedding, and I did not want to waste invites on this woman and told my mother so. I am also not of the mind that “family is family, like it or not” and I won’t put up with anyone who doesn’t treat me or my loved ones with respect. If it were totally up to me, my aunt wouldn’t be getting an invite, but my mom knwe it would just cause big issues for her, and I didn’t want to drag her into the middle of anything. I’ll be sucking it up for my mom and inviting my aunt (secretly hoping she doesn’t come), but it’s your sister’s wedding, and at the end of the day, she should invite who she wants. I do think it’s silly to play nice for the sake of a wedding when everyone knows two people really can’t stand each other, even if they are family. 

Post # 5
38 posts
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’ve got all kinds of family drama on my side and my fiance’s mom doesn’t even talk to her mother. While I won’t make any decisions about who he and his parents decide to invite, I’ve put my foot down about the crazies and the jerks from my family. I’ve decided that since we will be making the biggest commitment of our lives I only want to be surround by love and positivity. No drama and no petty or vindictive family issues. If there is drama that surrounds who I do and don’t invite I’ll deal with it before and I’ll deal with it after, but on OUR DAY I won’t think a thing about any one of them!

Post # 6
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I didn’t invite my mom’s only brother or his family.  They went on vacation and didn’t come to my mother’s funeral, screw em.  Plus he’s a blow hard.


I also didn’t invite one of my dad’s brother’s.  He usually winds up dragging his 5 kids with him and they assume they can crash at your house.  My Dad actually took the hit for me, he called them and told them there was a budget issue and it was all his fault. I did invite my dad’s other two brother’s, their families, their kids/grandkids.  

If she doesn’t care about the fallout, it’s up to her.    

Post # 7
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@TattedNYBride:  Agree, agree agree! Family doesn’t get a pass just because they’re family! Everyone who’s managed to get through my long and rambling posts knows where I stand on the “don’t invite anyone you don’t want to invite” issue. Jackasses don’t get rewarded for bad behavior, in my book. And, you know what, if they think you’re the jackass, then they have every right not to invite you! (That’s not personal toward you, just a general statement.) But ten bucks says there’s a 50 / 50 split on people who maintain the “don’t invite” policy after not being invited, and those who invite you to be the better person and “rise above”. 


@chillinchillin:  I totally commend your sister for sicking to her guns. I get that it makes it hard for others, but I hope that it helps pave the way for your own wedding!

Post # 8
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I am only having 2 immediate family members at my wedding and my Fiance is having a lot more family than me; sometimes you just have to be with the people who love and support you, and those are my close friends, not family members. It’s not the ideal situation and I’m not sure how it’s going to play out in the end but I have to go with what I feel and not what is “appropriate” or “proper etiquette”.

Post # 9
3226 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Nobody knows your family better than you. And if you know you have folks who could contribute to ruining your day (including “major” relatives you can’t stand the sight of) then, eff it. They can’t come. They might feel some type of way at being snubbed, but whatever. If ANYBODY should feel comfortable and at-ease at your wedding, its YOU! 

Post # 10
917 posts
Busy bee

@chillinchillin:  kudos to your sister! 

@TattedNYBride:  I completey agree with your theory that family shouldn’t get a free pass to be asshats just because they’re family. 


i won’t be inviting my mother to my wedding (still waiting for the proposal ;)) but her and I don’t get along and as far as I’m concerned only people who support me, my SO and our relationship should be invited to our wedding. 

Post # 11
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Daaaamn! Your sister is hard core, and kudos to her for standing up for herself. 

I am actually doing basically the same thing your sister is, “cherry picking” family who can come to our wedding. 

On my side of the family the only person who is coming is my mother, no one else. My  other family member’s don’t even know I am getting married. We’ve never gotten along and have denounced them when I was a teenager. 

For my FI’s side of the family he isn’t inviting two brothers and a nephew. We have some crazy family drama after FI’s mother died, and all of it is directed at Fiance and I, so for those causing problems for us are simply not invited. 

I get where your sister is coming from. Why should she have to pay for people she doesn’t even like and show her no respect to a special, happy day of her life? I mean that just doesn’t make sense to me. I get that they are family, and that you should at least try and play nice with family since they could be in your life forever, but this is her and her FI’s wedding and to be quite honest they do not have to be answerable to anyone if they’re the one’s paying for their wedding. 

If she is willing to go through with it then more power to her, but yeah there could be backlash for what she is doing, but she is a grown woman and can handle it if this is truly her choice. 

Post # 12
4512 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Definitely more trouble than it’s worth not to invite them. My opinion only, of course. 

Post # 13
1797 posts
Buzzing bee

DNA does not mean an automatic wedding invitation!  Every family has relatives we don’t really like, relatives that drive us nuts, and some of us have toxic relatives.  I always vote to keep the toxic ones away.

Truly toxic people should be cut out of your life or, if you are able, have the strictest boundaries set.  I have cut toxic relatives out of my life and it was a healthy choice on my part. 

I think the only thing to maybe be mindful of is any long term fallout and who will get stuck dealing with it.  If a years long fued will result because an aunt or uncle wasn’t invited and your parents will be the ones stuck with the fued – you need to think about that.

I’m not saying you have to invite every family member there ever was but say  you have once crazy aunt (not evil or toxic) and she drives you nuts.  You don’t invite her and the rest of the aunts and uncles get pissed at your parents and a fued erupts.  You and Fiance are on the road to happy life but your parents are getting hammered for years over this.

I have a toxic sister and a good sister.  The good sister and I have said for years that we need T-shirts or coffee mugs that say “Things just haven’t been the same since that house fell on our sister” but we haven’t done it.  We will probably go to Hell for that one.

Good sister and toxic sister live a few miles apart in another state.  Good sister is really the only family toxic sister has as she failed miserably at marriage with alcoholic losers and (thankfully) had no kids.  She is completely alone.  Good sister will not cut her out of her life but sets strict boundaries.  I would never do anything that stuck Good Sister in a bad place with toxic sister because it wouldn’t be fair.  Does that make sense?

We have one more Dirty Delete to get married (and I think an annoucement might be imminent in the next few months!!!  Yay!!).  I’m pretty sure she will choose to invite toxic aunt for the sake of the Good Aunt.  Toxic aunt probably won’t come and revel in her misery, but if she does, this MOB will make sure she does nothing to ruin the evening.

I absolutely understand not inviting people who are cruel, evil, toxic, have treated you poorly.

OP – is this going to blow up in your sister’s face?  Who knows – it will all depend on family dynamics and they are all different.  This does not set the trend for your wedding unless you want it to.  I think your sister should think about her choices since it seems to be important enough for your dad to say “if sister isn’t invited, I’m not going.”  There are some dynamics there that need to be discussed.  I hope she makes her decision based on the big picture and not just one day.

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