Post # 1
I just joined here (just engaged on Thanksgiving!) and I already have some drama that I need the advice of some other lovely brides-to-be.
My fiancee’s parents live out of state. They have differing religious beliefs than me. They are Christian (albeit extremly hypocritical, but we will leave that part out of it) and I am atheist. My Fiancee is agnostic (his parents assume he is still religious, but they have never asked him.) From the minute we met, they LOVED me. His mother offered to give him HER wedding rings to propose to me six months into our relationship. That was before she knew I am a “non-believer” as she calls me. A few months later she found out I am atheist, and suddenly thinks I am a horrible person.
She also does not agree with my political beliefs (which is FINE with me. Everyone is entitled to their opinion!). Here is the problem. After numerous facebook confrontations where she has harassed me for my opionions, she finally broke the last straw.
Two days before we were engaged (she was not aware we were getting engaged) she sent my fiancee a message on Facebook that says “Your girlfriend is an idiot” over an opinion I posted on facebook. She then messaged him again saying “to clarify, YOU are not an idiot, just your girlfriend”. (she is unaware, but his opinion is the same as mine!)
My fiancee has said he does not want his parents at his wedding, as this is not the first time they have acted like this, but it is only escalating. I would never tell him he could not invite his parents, because they are his PARENTS, but frankly I don’t want someone who hates me to be a part of our special day.
Since he is no longer speaking to them, we have no idea if they even know of our engagement. Following the harrassing and name calling, we both deleted them from our Facebook pages. He doesn’t have much other family (his parents have managed to alienate them all over the years. Go figure…) so our wedding would be sadly lopsided. This doesn’t seem to bother my fiancee, so I don’t want to push, I just want him to be happy on our special day and not regret not inviting them later….that being said, I also don’t want to have their negative drama ruin our day.
I appreciate your thoughts and advice ladies!! 🙂
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@FrugalBride2B: I would wait and see how things go from between now and when invitations need to be sent out.
IMO, Ideally your Fi would sit his parents down and let them know that you two are going to get married and they can either change their attitude or not be included in your lives together.
Post # 4
@mchitt329: Great point! I know I am getting a little ahead of myself since obviously we are not to that stage in the planning yet, I just was a little panicked because I was pretty offended by the remark, and it’s his parents and not some obscure relative.
Thank you for the great advice! 🙂
Post # 5
@FrugalBride2B: part of the blame is with your FI for not letting his folks know how he feels/ what he believes. He should tell them who thier son is and then find out if that is ok or not. He is an adult and I think his folks deserve to know the truth.
Post # 6
First of all she is rude and judgmental. Second I am also an atheist from very religious family. I grown a thick skin. Family sometimes says rude/stupid things, while I don’t want to say this is a minor issue. I don’t think this is a good reason for your Fi to become estranged from his parents, esp because he basically has been lying even if it’s by omission to them.
He needs to grow a backbone and come clean to this parents. My Mom is very disappointed and we tons and tons of fights over this. There were a lot of tense moments but we reached a point now where we don’t talk about it, and I even will go to church on Easter with my Mother.So he may have a very long long road ahead of him with his parents.
It seems like a knee jerk reaction on his part to say that he not speaking to his parents and they aren’t invited to his wedding. If he doesn’t do this slowly and give them a chance to come around before cutting them off permanently.
Post # 7
I agree with the pp about him coming clean with his parents. He should allow things to calm down and then speak with his parents face-to-face. I know they have different beliefs and political views but I have different views from my family. We just don’t discuss them. Why would we want to? I have my entire life in common with them so we have an endless supply of conversation topics without broaching those subjects. Follow the old rule of never discussing politics or religion.
Of our 4 parents, my DH and I have 1 between us now (my mother). I would never do anything to jeopardize my relationship with her and if it was his mother or father I would feel the same way for him. Life is too short to lose a parent because of difference of opinion.
There is so much drama on facebook that I think people who can’t just use it for fun should be banned. 🙁
Post # 8
In your shoes, I would just exclude them from the wedding. Unless they come clean and apologize, and not just apologize but really mean it, I don’t know why you would want to have these people in your life in the future.
Post # 9
I really feel for you. My FI is estranged from his parents and doesn’t want them at our day either. I thank that if its what you both want I think it’s totally fine not to invite them. They will do nothing but upset you!
Post # 10
talk to them first, if they still feel the same, then maybe you should not invite them to the wedding
Post # 11
I’m in a similar position (we have the same future mil apparently). She loved me at first then found out I’m an agnostic liberal and she now can’t stand me. She is a hypocritcal bigoted jerk.
So, she’s not invited to the wedding. Why would I ruin my day being nice to a jerk who doesn’t deserve it? If your fi doesn’t want his parents there, then don’t force the issue. They won’t ever like you, you won’t like them, that’s fine.
My FI has kids, so I have to see his mother from time to time (she’s NOT active in their lives, she’s a crappy grandparent & a crappy mom) and I can make nice for a brief visit but I don’t plan on trying to make someone else like me. I’m done with that stage of my life. I am who I am and if that makes her not like me, her loss.
Post # 12
I would wait to see how things pan out between now and then.
PS This is why I don’t think in-laws should be on your FB or at least be restricted to only certain posts. The first time it cause an argument they should have been removed.
Post # 13
@cerenatee: Lesson learned the hard way on my part I am afraid! lol. But yes, you are right. And even if we do reconcile, they are going to have limited or no access to my facebook posts. I should not have to censor what I say for fear of retaliation by them! 🙂
Thank you to everyone for the advice. You are like an awesome group of girlfriends that I never had (most of my friends are guys!) hahaha. Thanks again!
Post # 14
First, let me state that you are in the right for your feelings and reactions.
And while I absolutely agree with you that you were wronged…
…when you marry him you are also marrying the family. They will be your family too, and that means you have to treat them that way, even if they stink. I recommend asking your fiance to clear the air. They should, regardless of their opinions and their rudeness, recieve invitations to the wedding, and even an offer to have the ceremony in their church. Kill them with kindness. You are the better person.
My FH’s family had something similar happen (his aunt was similar to your fiance’s mother). The bride in this situation decided to fight for her husband, keep the relationship together, and kept his parents involved every step of the way (her kindness and over-the-top inclusion was pretty much the equivalent of flipping them the bird, it was saying, “this is happening whether you like it or not”).
It meant the groom’s mother looked like the bad guy to everyone, and she eventually has no leg to stand on. She was forced to keep the peace.
By the time the grandchildren came around, the entire family (including the parents) completely embraced her.
Post # 15
First of all I’m really sorry that you’re in this situation. But I think jumping to not inviting them to a wedding would be an overreaction. Because by not inviting them to the wedding this means that you will most likely lose any relationship that you would ever have with them. It would be incredibly difficult to get over not being invited child’s wedding. Therefore, your kids would likely never know their grandparents.
To me, it just seems like a lot to give up over a facebook comment. I think it was absolutely the right thing to not communicate with them via facebook. Being an online medium, it’s so easy for thigs to get out of hand or be taken the wrong way. I’m not defending what they did at all, as it sounds very rude and unacceptable, but I would just take that to mean that you shouldn’t communicate via facebook anymore. Too much in both your faces. But doesn’t mean that you have to completely lose the relationship. I have great relationships with people that have very different views than me. For most we don’t really talk abotu our differences much but it’s harder to avoid stuff like that on facebook. So I am not facebook friends with them.
And yes, your guy needs to grow a spine, and some balls. And fess up to his parents about his views. Partially in yoru defence and partially because he really should be honest with his parents.
See what happens between now and when you really need to make this decision. Maybe not inviting them will be the right decision. And if it is, then be firm. But I don’t think you need to make that decision now, so try to be open to reconciliation.
Post # 16
What does your FI do when they say these things? If he’s not defending you then he needs to man up IMO.