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Ok, so I know when people have a small destination wedding, they often have a hometown reception after to celebrate.
But have you ever heard of a wedding - where most guests have to travel -where only immediate family are invited to the ceremony and guests just to the reception? I obviously can't say anything to the couple, because I know that is wrong - but I find it unusual to ask people to travel 6+ hours and then not even invite them to the ceremony, which is the whole point. They say they are doing this to make it all simple, but they are still having a big, reception hall, 150+ person reception summer of 2010 with all the trimmings.
Thoughts?
Yes, we were going to have a huge reception and then just get married at the court house or something of that sort. But because we are having a ball type reception and some of the family doesn't want to attend that we are now having a ceremony with a few guests.
So I guess I should have read the whole post and then answered. But I can't mine so... oh well.
My cousin did this. I thought it was really odd.
I can see that if it's a courthouse ceremony, but if they're having a church wedding or some other more formal ceremony, it does seem odd. Maybe she found a chapel she loves but it's too small? Maybe their ceremony is going to be so short she doesn't think it's worth the while for people to come (especially if they're not religious)?
I have known this to happen where the ceremony venue is really small -- such as a very small church or chapel where they just can't accommodate all their guests.
Still not great, though.
its ouside at a vineyard, so its not a space issue. They just decided they wanted it to be intimate - which I am all for, but then its a bit weird to ask people to travel for the party bit and exclude them from the part that is meaningful. And they put all this info on their website about where the ceremony will be, and that they will have a dinner after - but no one is invited to any of that!
A bunch of friends of mine just went to a wedding like this and they found it strange as well...They all said it was hard to connect to the party as a wedding, since they weren't witness to the ceremony and the emotions behind that....The party will still be fun tho, but I do think it's a bit strange...
Not quite an answer to your question...
I'm having a hometown wedding, but with quite a lot of friends and family flying in from overseas. We want a more 'intimate' ceremony (that and that location can't hold THAT many people) so we will prioritize immediate family and those who are flying in from overseas to the ceremony, and invite more people to the reception.... I guess for us, because our special day will be on a Monday, we can sort of justify it... that most of the 'locals' will have to work anyway, so its okay that they aren't there for the noon time ceremony.
Sounds like space is not an issue! In which case, the wedding in general sounds like, "hi, we don't want you at our ceremony, but come to the reception and bring a gift". I don't see a logistical reason for this, therefore not cool. ESPECIALLY with 6 hours travel. They are not considerate hosts. I would not go.
We have a wedding to go to this weekend that they're doing this. We don't have to travel really far, but I'm sure some do. A little odd, but I guess to each their own.
We're doing that. We're not having a huge party for the reception, just a dinner with no dancing, but we're still inviting over 100 people. I have huge anxiety about being in front of people, plus I get horrible migraines, so we're doing everything we can to prevent migraines on wedding day, which includes me not standing in front of 100 people as they stare at me. But my fi wanted to celebrate with everyone, so we're inviting them to the dinner after. I'm ok if they don't come from far away though, I understand why they wouldn't and would not be offended at all. We do have a lot of family who are coming, knowing that they aren't invited to the ceremony and our reasonings for it, and I'm sure they'd rather see us get married but they also just want to be there for us whatever way they can be.
We were invited, but declined ... a wedding that only close family members attended the ceremony and they had reception with 100 guests after.
Yup, I went to a wedding last October where no one was invited to the ceremony other than close family. We traveled about 6 hours by car and spent the night even though we were only invited tot he reception which was a back yard catered event. In fact, it was a chilly evening so the bride didn't keep her dress on once the photos were taken. I don't really know what their reasoning was but it was still a nice celebration.
This weekend, I will attend a wedding with a similar situation, due to limited space of 40 seats in the chapel, we anticipate most friends will wait outside to throw rice after the ceremony then head over to the reception. This is clearly a space issue and we don't want to take a seat away from family members but we are again traveling 6 hours and spending 2 overnights to attend.
To each their own I guess.
That is really uncommon, I wonder why they chose to do that. I would be a lil annoyed too. I've heard of people doing this at a hometown wedding, but not a destination wedding. Although, and I hope this isn't mean or insensitive, at least you're invited to the more fun part of the wedding. Is that wrong? I mean the ceremony always makes me cry and some of them are boring. The reception is usually fun!
IMHO, if you want an intimate ceremony, you need to be okay with having an intimate reception! To put all that info on the website like that is kind of like a friend carrying on about a party that they are not inviting you to.
ETA: That is if ithey are held the same day and in the same town.
I think that used to happen a lot more often than it does now. Emily Post is of the opinion that it's okay to invite people to the reception and not the ceremony, but not the other way around. For some couples, the ceremony is intimate and there are often space concerns. Ceremonies used to be reserved for family and then parties were for the larger society, I think. Anyway... no matter. I'm sorry it feels like you were left out.
I think in the situation you are describing, yes, it does sound a little odd to have everyone travel all that way, and then not invite them to the ceremony. Do you know if there are any religious reasons as to why not everyone is invited to the ceremony? The only reason I ask is that I am LDS (mormon) and only a few people will be able to attend my actual wedding ceremony inside the temple we have chosen. In my religion, it's pretty common to have a big reception beings not everyone can attend the ceremony. Thankfully, all my friends and family are very supportive of my religion and understand why they can't attend the ceremony.
But, on the flip side...if religion is not an issue with people attending the ceremony, I really don't see why people would have their guests drive all that way to not be able to attend the ceremony.
We did this... we had a small ceremony the night before and took everyone out to dinner and then the next day we had a picnic celebration for those that couldn't make it. Did some people think it was odd, sure. Were some people probably offended, of course. The thing is there were really (at least in my mind) only two options: invite only the handful of close family or friends to the ceremony and reception or invite the small handful to the ceremony and stll give everyone a chance to celebrate with us.
Our ceremony was sacred to me, and I didn't want anything to interfere with that. I didn't want Aunt Gertrude talking about how it should have been in a church or my insolent teenage cousin compaining loudly about how they were bored. I didn't want anything to take away from those precious moments I had with my husband. Like I mentioned, I'm sure some people were offended but I wouldn't have changed what we did for anything. Even now when I look back my best memories are from that day, not the reception the next day (which was still fantastic).
That said, we were definitely more sensitive to the receptions guest's feelings than the wedding Janna mentioned. We didn't make any mention of the ceremony other than to say that it would be intimate and the day prior. The reception was incredibly informal (a pig roast), we didn't have a "head" table, and I even had to be convinced to wear my dress. Also, everyone that traveled a long distance was invited to the ceremony (except for one couple and they opted not to come since they weren't which was fine). Still, what it comes down to is this is the wedding ceremony they chose. Let them have it without judgment. If you don't feel the 6 hour drive is worth it since you can't see the ceremony, then just decline gracefully.
OH, side note: just because the ceremony is outdoors in a winery doesn't mean there is enough seating for everyone. We were married in a large park (largest residential park in our state actually) and we had a limit of 50.
I had a really good friend who married in a very intimate ceremony. She suffers from lupus and her nerves play a big factor in her remaining well. So she had a really small ceremony and after the whole wedding ceremony was over, she was able to be herself again and had no nervousness and really enjoyed her reception!
We are doing this. Don't judge too harshly as there may be reasons that you don't know. Or maybe there aren't. But you can always decline if this doesn't sit right with you.
i've seen this a lot in asia - the ceremony portion is a very intimate, family only affair, typically held earlier in the day, followed by a dinner reception where it often feels like the whole world is in attendance. there might be other reasons in the example you cited. if you think 6 hours is too long to travel to celebrate, then just decline.
We might know the same person!! I am invited to a wedding next year...low-key...in a field. But no one but immediate family is invited to the ceremony. It's totally their choice but I would have liked to see the actually ceremony regardless how far I have to travel!
I attended a wedding once where only the couple's honor attendants were allowed to attend the actual ceremony. The couple was Mormon and their guests were not so they had to sit in the waiting area for 2 hrs. Add to that, the wedding was in another state in the middle of nowhere from where everyone else lived and the ceremony was at the crack of dawn while the reception wasn't until after dark. The couple invited a huge number of people to the reception but most were pissed off with the arrangement that they weren't good enough to attend the ceremony (as well as the ridiculous gap and just cake and punch at 6pm which was all they could afford and the only food for everyone there for 2 straight days but that was another story) so the actual guest count at the reception ended up being next to none. Based on that experience, I will never again attend a reception-only. I'll send a card but that's it.
I was in a wedding where it was only the immediate family invited to the ceremony, and then they had a cocktail reception with just family, then a huge party which was the main reception. The bride had had several fainting spells over the years (including losing some teeth) and did not want the added pressure of being in front of people during the ceremony.
I think you have to respect people's decision to do what they want for their own wedding. The reception is the fun part anyways. If you don't want to drive that far to attend just the reception then don't go.
I don't think it's selfish to have a smaller private wedding ceremony. Maybe the bride wanted a small reception and small ceremony, but she had to comprise with her family for a bigger reception. There are a lot of reasons that people do things differently.
I'm actually going to be a BM in a wedding like that next year! I think the viewpoint is more that the ceremony is an intimate exchange of vows, and the reception is a huge party to celebrate. Plus, think about how many guests you hear complain about long ceremonies and all that jazz... most people just want to celebrate!
I appreciate everyone sharing their experiences - it really helps to hear that others do this and why. I don't think any of those reasons are this couple's though (no outside influences, no illness, no fear of being in front of people) - I honestly think they just want to have a very intimate ceremony and a big party and so they are just doing what will make them happy without really thinking much about their guests. Which I know is what most people do, but it still irks me.
I wonder a bit if this has anything to do with this being the bride's second wedding and feeling weird about taking vows again in front of a lot of people? I doubt it but its possible. And yes, the fact that go into great detail describing the ceremony, their plans for after and even posted the ceremony invite on their website makes you feel like they really don't think about how people will feel about being excluded at all. ITs kind of like talking a ton to someone about your wedding who you have no intention of inviting....
Anyways, just because it doesn't sit right with me and is not a decision I would have ever made (I personally loved sharing our ceremony with my loved ones), doesn't mean I don't want to celebrate with them. I would never ever consider not going because of this!
I think the big problem here is that she chose to have a wedding several hours away. If she was a shy person etc, who wanted something intimate, then maybe she should have chosen something local, or kept her reception, intimate as well. It sounds like it's more or less destination for all the guests, not that a few are traveling because they are the ones who are OOT.
IMO, if a bride is planning a DW and doesn't invite the guests to the actual ceremony, she risks alot of declines. (Well it's proabably what I would do.)
I am having a large wedding and an even larger reception. My wedding will have several events and not everyone is invited to all of them. I don't think this is odd at all. I have been to many similar weddings. I don't think the host should be obligated to invite each and every guest to each and every wedding related event. Shouldn't you be happy that the couple considers you a close enough friend that they want to you to share in thier celebration? If it is feasible for you to attend and you want to do so, you should - but do it with a happy attitude! Don't harbor petty gurdges over who was invited to what. Just go, have fun and be happy for the couple.
I am laughing a little bit to myself, because I've seen other posts about inviting people to the ceremony and not the reception to save money and it's like this bride got it all wrong! SEriously, if she wants to have an intimate ceremony, fine. It would be wrong of you to get mad about that. But she should have not shared all the ceremony info on her website and maybe had the ceremony like a week before so it's less of an impact on the guests who are traveling for the reception.
While it is a little strange I can see their side. You might want a nice personal intimate ceremony without having to elope. But then you might also want to celebrate with everyone. Maybe the best of both worlds for someone.
Thanks for your input all! I figured its better to vent here and get everyone's thoughts - I think is ok for me to be find this strange as long as I never say anything to the couple (don't really need to be judged for being "petty", there are many such things people talk about on WB!)
I am going to go and have fun and I never said otherwise, and obviously they can will do whatever they want! Thanks to those who provided their (non-judgemental
) points of view, it was really helpful.
This is pretty common in eastern european weddings. The ceremony is very intimate and reserved for immediate family and a few close friends. THen a HUGE reception/party follow. I've been to many weddings like this where i was and was not at the ceremony and don't find it weird at all. If it's an inconvenience for you just politely decline.
One of my friends is Polish, and they had the ceremony in a small Catholic church in the morning, and then a big ol' reception in the evening. Only the immediate family and bridal party were present at the ceremony.
Thanks, this is really helpful. It is NOT inconvenient for me, there is no way I am not going, just asking for your thoughts/input which I greatly appreciate -it really helps put this all into perspective!!
my first wedding was a family only ceremony and the reception to follow friends were allowed.
We're having a wedding where alot of oveasea friends and family are flying in, we invited them to join all the ceremonies, and the other local 100 guests are only invite to recepetion.
I was invited to a wedding out of town. My parents were also invited. We traveled together, stayed together and were in the same hotel as several other couples (my mom's relatives, all about the same age as her and my dad)
My parents were the only ones invited to the ceremony. AWKWARD!
All the other relatives (me included) had to stay at the hotel an extra 30-45 minutes before heading to the reception. I thought it was weird.... I guess it can work, but it's all in the way its handled. This one was handled poorly so it left a bad taste in my mouth about that.
I have certainly heard of people inviting guests to their reception only before and not the ceremony (space issue, time issue, etc?). I know, it's a little different (and not how I would do it) but to each her own. :)
-Bella
It's one thing if you're choosing to have a local private ceremony followed by a blow-out reception, but to make people travel 6+ hours to go to a "party"? Yuck. It is insensitive & as a guest I wouldn't even consider it a wedding. I'd much rather go to the wedding ceremony than the reception.
If the bride doesn't want a large ceremony then go to city hall. :)
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