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my fi and i are paying for most of the wedding and are a little tight with the budget. we wanted to invite many of our friends and co-workers, so in order to do so, we decided not to invite +1's for most of our friends. (we did +1's for the few of our very close friends, and those we actually have met/hung out with).
ever since the invitations went out, i've been hearing things like "did she make a mistake and not invite my husband?" "how come my husband/wife wasn't invited but that person's boy/girlfriend was?" and i've actually had some ask me if it was ok to bring their significant others.
now i know wedding etiquette says to invite the husbands/wives, but for the sake of budget and also being able to invite more friends, i didn't.
did i make a mistake? should i just allow them to bring their significant others? (meaning it would double the amount of tables... from 3 to 6!) what should i do? should i even care what they say?
thanks in advance for helping this frustrated bride!!! =)
It's so very hard for everyone to get thier budget under control, and cutting guests is the easiest way, but I have tried to avoid inviting people without dates, just because often you are invited to a wedding where you don't know many people besides the bride & groom, and then it's awkward being there alone. And people may be less likely to come if they don't have significant others with them.
But if you really cannot afford it, and you've already invited all of these people, you may just have to explain that you really wish you could have invited their significant others, but you just weren't able, and that you'll make sure to sit them next to other people they know so they will have others to socialize and have fun with.
To be honest.... I think you did make a mistake. I don't mean to hurt your feelings, but just put yourself in their shoes.... you're married and your husband gets an invitation to a wedding but you're not included? If that happened to me, I can guarantee you I would be upset (and Mr. Cupcake probably wouldn't go to the wedding out of anger that I wasn't invited). Even if that had happened while we were still dating (but obviously serious) or engaged, we are/were a unit and we go places together.
One exception to the rule that I have heard is that it is not necessary to invite co-workers with their significant others, particularly if you don't know/have never met their significant others and they would know plenty of other people at the wedding (other co-workers). However, I work for a small company and invited co-workers along with their significant others, because I had met them and just didn't feel right not including their SO's. I think if you're going to make this rule, it needs to be an "all or nothing" kind of thing.
I understand you have budget and space constraints, but unfortunately that just means that if you can't invite both halves of a couple, you shouldn't invite either. Is there a way to fix the problem before it gets out of hand?
while i side with cupcake (sorry!), i think at this point you would probably be best served on a case by case basis. handle each guest as they come, but keep in mind what cupcake said, because a lot of people (myself included) share this mindset. for those that are dating, i think an explanation will do, but for those who are married, it might behoove you to include their spouses.
Yep, I agree with cupcake, too. I would probably not attend a wedding that my husband wasn't invited to. I had a very small wedding, but still allowed plus ones for everyone. I just had to make budget cuts in other places. We didn't do favors, programs, or a lavish cake just so people could bring their significant others.
Hey Smiley,
I won't beat a dead horse here. I'll just give you another perspective. This event is your wedding, when you'll be joined with your FI as husband and wife. But you are trying to celebrate that day by "dividing" other married couples. That's bad kharma. I don't think you meant it that way... Just something to think about.
thanks for the feedback...
well it ended up being a debate over, do i want to invite 30 of my co-workers with no +1's, or 15 close ones with their SO's 13 of them whom i've never met (we're teachers, so it's basically all women and i have never met the husbands- even during our holiday parties and end of the year parties, it's always just the teachers).
and for the few +1's i invited, those are boyfriends/husbands i've actually met and went out with many times, and want them to actually be there at my wedding.
i understand being upset about being invited without ur SO. but if i knew that mostly all of my co-workers were going, i would be more than happy to go without the husband. and i know for a fact that 28 out of 30 co-workers that i've invited are definitely coming, even though i didn't invite their SO's.
so with that being said, is it still a mistake? will my guests understand? or do i invite the SO anyway?
thanks again!
If you can find the extra room in your budget by scrimping in other places (skip the favors, fancy embroidered linens, engraved invitations, etc...), then yes, I would extend an invitation to the SOs; however, please do not be guilted into going into debt just to have these people at your wedding. If my fiance/husband was invited to an (unfamiliar) co-worker's wedding and I was not, I would not be upset or angry-- I would just realize that times are tough, and not every bride has the means to invite everyone she'd want. I'd just give him a big kiss goodbye, and take the opportunity to have a night out with my girlfriends, or stay in with a good book. I can't imagine wanting to miss the wedding of a friend, just because my husband wasn't invited. I can socialize fine on my own without my partner, and he can do the same-- we don't only come as a matched set.
Don't stress too much about it-- yes, etiquette would dictate that the SOs be invited, but life isn't perfect. It sounds like your coworkers are used to going it alone at work events, so I'm sure they'll be fine. Just take it on a case-by-case basis, and explain to any invitee who asks that due to constraints, you were unfortunately unable to invite anyone that you hadn't already met.
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Personally, if I got an invitation with my FI, I'd be a little confused, but with the economy in the state it is and knowing the costs of planning a wedding, I would understand.
Ideally, you would be able to invite +1s and I can understand that people might be angry or hurt or their SOs weren't invited. However, I don't think anybody should give you a hard time. If people approach you, just explain your situation. If anyone is upset or offended, they should just graciously decline and leave it at that.
Smiley - I hate to agree with the other because you seem to be settled in your decision - but really I think it would be wrong to not invite all significant others. If you think someone is important to you (and wow! 30 coworkers, that's a lot!!) then their spouse should be important to you too. I mean I guess it is still your wedding and you can do what you want and what you are comfortable with -- but if my fiance was invited to a wedding, even that of a coworker, and I wasn't invited, I would find it strange, if not offensive. Hate to be so negative. Either way - enjoy your big day!
Unfortunately, I have to agree that you should invite the husbands/wives. I can understand saying that you don't want to invite dates, but a husband/wife is a lot different. Even if you haven't met someone's husband or wife, that person is still a very important part of the person you did invite's life. I cannot imagine going to a wedding where my fiance was not invited...
My fiance and I are on an extremely tight budget as well. However, we decided to simply cut the number of friends we invited so that they could all bring dates if they felt so inclined. We have a "B" list of guests to fill slots based on the number of guests who will not be bringing guests.
Yes, it is YOUR wedding, but at the same time be mindful of other people's feelings. They are your friends and you want them to have a good time at the wedding! you don't want them there worrying the whole time that they have made their spouse angry or feeling slighted, especially if you have invited other spouses.
Keep in mind that even if you invited your coworker's significant others, it doesn't mean they will all come, this may be especially true if at holiday work parties they didn't come.
Gosh, if you're close to these gals, could you ask a few of them how they feel? I still think you should invite SO's. But if they don't care, then there isn't really a problem. Just be sure not to do it to anyone else (family, other friends.) If there is an exception (which FTR, I don't think there should be) it would be in the gray area of coworkers.
If my husband wasn't invited to a wedding, even if a had a gaggle of girlfriends there, I wouldn't go. It just seems strange that you're asking me to support your marriage if you're basically not supporting mine.
I think it is perfectly acceptable to not allow +1s across the board -- the way my fiance and I think about it, we would much rather celebrate our commitment with someone we know and who knows/cares about us, than with some random +1 who we have never met. The way we have compromised to consider the comfort of our guests is to allow +1s for our out-of-town guests who are traveling (in some cases quite far) to be with us, since the trip is a vacation for them and we would want them to be able to enjoy sight-seeing/traveling with their significant other (even if they are not engaged/married). But for our local guests, we figure it is different since it is only taking them away from their significant other for a few hours.
When I think about it from a guest's perspective, I think I would completely understand! My fiance and I are not joined at the hip -- we love each other but don't need to do everything together. Sometimes we make independent plans for parts of our weekend because of various work or particular social reasons, and if he had a wedding to attend for a friend he knew and I didn't, I'd wish him a good time and spend some time with my other friends! And if a friend of mine didn't understand this predicament and took real offense, I'd have to wonder how close we really were.
While we wish we could accommodate everyone, the sad fact is that each additional guest usually costs a bundle of extra money (in our case, in our area and with our venue/caterer, >$100 per head). We are financing our wedding ourselves and don't want to go into debt and are already making a lot of frugal choices. Three extra guests is our entire stationery budget so scrimping on the margins is not going to make this problem go away. In the end, I think it comes down to whether you conceptualize your wedding as an intimate celebration of your commitment with those who know and love you, or as a big party. Either vision is totally fine! But they do come with different expectations.
I'm sorry, but it was a mistake to invite people you know without their committed partners. You may not regret it, but I guarantee some people will hold it against you.
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At this point, I don't think you can undo what is already done. Am I correct? If so, is there another way that you can simply explain your situation in case someone has hurt feelings?
Every bride has to create "policies" no matter how unpopular they are. For example, I have a policy that I will not invite a +1 if they are not a seriously committed couple, say of 6 months or more. Also, I am not inviting all children to attend. Therefore, some couples who have kids will have to get babysitters because we can't afford to feed all family members just b/c we want the husband and wife to attend.
If this is the ony way that you could stay within your budget then you should not feel bad. Instead, maybe you can say something like I want to celebrate 1 last time with all my teacher girlfriends together as a "girl group" just like we do at work. Just a thought.
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@ gradstudent, what types of married guests won't get a +1 for their spouses? Coworkers? Friends? Relatives? Will you keep us posted on the RSVP's of the married guests who are invited as singles? I'm curious to see how that plays out.
As a soon to be married couple, don't you want to meet other married couples (one half of the couple are already friends right?) and expand the circle of friends?
I side gently with the other posters here and say to find a way to cut the cost to allow for these 30 guests. If it's food that's 30/head, then 600 can be cut some other way from the budget. I'm sure you can get with the caterer and maybe alter a main course or dish or two served to make this happen. Instead of having a huge open bar, why not have passed signature drinks and wine and cheese? Or maybe cut costs with passed appetizers brought in by wait staff? You can save alot by doing little things that don't look like much but save alot. Heck I would rather prefer somebody to hand me something from a platter! I think it's elegant!
There are always ways to save. Even the florist can be budgeted down.
Just get creative. This isn't the time to divide or have guests whispering all through the night. I am just being honest, like a friend sitting down with you having a coffee. If we were friends, I would expect my FI to get the nod to come to the wedding as well!
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Smiley, I have to kindly agree with most others here that this was a mistake. My fiance was invited to a wedding and I was not included. As much as it really may have been for budget, I will always feel like it was something about me, or something about my fiance and my relationship, that they did not like. It left a really bad taste in my mouth.
I totally understand it doubling the size of your wedding, and I too am struggling with my guest list to keep numbers down. I hope you can find a way to keep everyone happy and still have the wedding you are envisioning. Good luck!
Does anyone else feel like this becomes a bigger deal if the husband is invited and the wife is left out, rather than vice versa? I guess that basically comes from, I don't see men as caring all that much. But I see women caring enough for the both of them. I think if I was the one invited, my husband would say have a good time. But if he was the one invited, I would be saying, how rude, "You're not going." (I don't mean to sound like I'm controlling of my husband, because I'm not.... But I would make a stink in this case.) And yes, I wouldn't go either, if he wasn't invited.
If I was to get an invitation for just me and not my husband I wouldn't go to the wedding.
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You have to invite the SO. Imagine a month from now your husband is invited to a wedding and you're not. How would that make you feel? Would your husband go?
I hate to be a Debbie Downer but I agree with cupcake and others who feel that you need to invite the +1's. You risk offending people and the "whispers" on your wedding day about etiquette.
I have to add something to what I said and what Erindesmar said. I understand having a budget wedding, but I think if you go through with not inviting people's S.O.s everyone will just think you're being cheap. I hate to come out and say it, but frankly that's what I would think if I was invited and my husband wasn't; either that or for some unexplained reason you didn't like my husband. Maybe I'm mean for saying it but I think that's something you should consider.
While I agree with most of the posts about the need to invite spouses, I think it also depends a little on the type of wedding reception. Are we talking about a ceremony followed by cake and punch in the downstairs of the church? In that case, I can see how not inviting a spouse could be a little more accepted. The reception will be brief and since it's clear that it wasn't an expensive reception, people will be less inclined to be annoyed that their spouses weren't invited. On the other hand, if it's a full reception with a meal and dancing, I think people are likely to look at any place where you put expense into the night and judge you for spending on that and cutting out all the husbands and wives. I also think you're looking at a huge problem if the wedding has dancing - who wants to go solo to a romantic night where they won't be able to dance with their spouse?
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I think in some circumstances it is okay not to allow a single person to bring a guest, but I don't think it's ever okay to invite one half of a maried couple and not the other. Sorry.
I wouldn't attend a wedding where only I was invited, and not my husband.
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Engaged and married couples are social units. For this type of event, you can't invite one and not the other. I've been invited to a wedding where FI wasn't invited, and I didn't go.
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I agree with the other commenters. I think its ok if you don't allow single guests to invite a +1 due to budget (or personal) reasons. But I do think that all long term significant others, fiancees, and married couples should be invited.
I would try to adjust your budget to allow them to bring their husbands/wives. If you can't, I would at least speak to your invited coworkers, explain the situation and see how they feel.
I hate to pile on, but I second Bellenga's thought that you could try to trim the needed money to allow people to bring their partners from other places in the budget. I do think there's a big difference between not allowing all single people to bring a +1 and asking people to go to a wedding without their spouse or serious partner. We aren't giving every single person an "and guest", just those who are in serious relationships.
I understand about trying to keep cost/numbers small, but I would be totally offended if, as a guest, I was invited to a wedding without my fiance. I think at this point, your best bet would be to cop to your mistake and try to find a way to rectify it.
Damage is already done and now it's time for damage-control. I suggest you speak to each of your co-workers individually and explain your situation. Apologize for not having invited their SO and explain that you wanted to invite as many people from the office without busting your budget. See where each conversation goes from there. Some people may be adament about wanting their SO there, some will understand after the explaination and not be offended. You should speak to them though and help smooth over any misunderstandings or hard feelings.
I was invited to a co-workers wedding without my FH, we were already engaged at the time. However, the bride to be came to me before the invites went out and let me know her situation. I let her know that our friendship was more important that having my fH there and I agreed to go stag. I was given a choice though and she respected me enough to speak to me before hand.
I think you should tell your co-workers/friends if they ask that you would like to have as many loved ones from the office or wherever as possible come, andIf they do not feel like they can be big girls and go to an event without their husband's (or wives LOL) then they can decline.
I can't believe people actually have the nerve to be offended. it's not like "OMG I CAN"T BELIEVE MY SISTER DID NOT INVITE MY HUSBAND!" I was invited to a friend/ co-worker's wedding without my fiance- a group of us girl(married,single,engaged) around the same age all work together and she wanted everyone there but could not afford +1. She didn't have to tell me this in advance-I figured it out all by myself because I have this trait called empathy which allows me to put myself in another persons shoes and try to understand why they are making the decisions they make before getting all offended. We all (me included ya'll!) have to stop and realize that the world does not revolve around us, and that people are not always out to get us-and that in the grand scheme of our life is it so HORRIBLE that someone did not invite your husband to their wedding? No- in fact it is very low on the list of global injustices that happen to people. It isn't rude, it isn't mean, and it isn't anyones business. If you don't want to go-check off NO on the RSVP and move on with life.
I was delighted to be included in my friend's big day (without my SO) and we had a great time. Any "friend" who is offended will probably gossip about your wedding anyway, so it's better off if they are not there.
I agree with Chela429- while I think the most appropriate etiquette would be to invite fewer people and make space for their SO's, what's done is done. If you get people who are shocked/surprised/outraged/aghast about their SO not being invited, I would be honest! If I put myself in the hypothetical situtation of myself being invited to your wedding and my SO not being invited, it would be much easier to understand if I asked you and you just were honest with me about wanting to spend your wedding with people you love and you just have some constraints and couldn't invite everyone.
I definitely think it is wrong to invite people without their spouse. If they are married I think you do need to allow the spouse to come. That being said, if I were invited to a coworker's wedding without my fiance or, after we are married, my husband, I would still go. I would not snub a friend just because she didn't invite him. All the people who say they would skip the wedding say it is because they consider themself and their man to be a 'unit.' If that were really the case, neither half would have any friends the other half hadn't met. As close as we all are to our SOs, it is still important to be able to get by in public without them.
Like flamingred said above, it's not as though the husbands are missing out on a friend or family member's wedding. Honestly the husbands probably don't care if they have never even met you guys. So, yes, I do think it was a mistake not to invite the spouses, but since you didn't the wives should be able to handle themselves on their own and socialize with each other like they do at all the work get-togethers.
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it was probably the wrong thing not to invite the SOs. i would be hard-pressed to go to a function without my fiance. i do understand budget constraints, but i also know there are always places where you could save money. perhaps you can do as so many of the other women said before me and find some place in your budget to get the extra cash. good luck.
I think it's fine to invite a group of coworkers without their +1s. They will all be able to visit together, so it's not like they won't know anybody.
If they do ask you upfront, just say something like, "Ugh. The guest list was so hard for us. Due to limited space we couldn't invite all of our friends and all of their significant others. So, we had to make the really tough call to just invite our work friends. Thankfully, everyone has been understanding and are looking forward to a girls night out!"
I agree with the other posters that a spouse/partner should not be excluded from an invitation. Single guests can go without a +1. Bear in mind that a spouse is not a +1.
I also agree with Chela429 that you should call each coworker individually and explain why they were invited without their spouse. That said, if you don't speak to them, what if they misinterpret the invite and bring their spouses anyway? You could need 6 tables, but only have 3. That would be even more awkward.
I am going to add another little wrinkle to your dilemma.
I know WE etiquette freaks (LOL) may know that its not ok to respond with more RSVPs than your invite actually specifies, but let's be real...not everyone does know that. That being said, aren't you a little worried that your Co-Worker guests will automatically assume that their husbands or wives are invited and bring them anyway (or at least RSVP for two meals etc.)
And for my thoughts: I do think its bad form to do a solo invite where someone is married or in a committed relationship. I wouldn't enjoy such an event as a guest, even if I had gaggle of friends there. It's not an issue of having fun with the other people that are around you...of course one can. It's not being able to share those special moments with the one person that is most important to you.
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